I feel the need to destroy something intangible.
Intangible, negligibly. My unbearable, the thing
that I cannot stand in front of. I am caught
like hydrogen, forced to give of myself to the passerby.
Sitting in front of me,
A math problem smiles all the charm
that I used to think existed in my small town world.
I want to throw my memories away.
This unbearable vexation eats at me
raising my pH levels
until I consume myself: so biodegradable
I am recyclable.
Tomorrow, it starts again.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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Tomorrow what starts again? I'm not sure whether I like the repetition of intangible, or really dislike it. I like the use of unbearable as a noun, but to follow it with the word "thing" is to undermine the value you just created. Your use of hydrogen is good. To throw organization out the window, I think you should alter the syntax of the title: pH of level 1. It separates the "uh" sounds in "of" and "one," which I like. Back to a semi-linear critique... I don't think you need the line "sitting in front of me," What does it do? What happens if you take it out entirely, the relation between the math problem and the speaker is still the same, only the spacial description is gone, and you don't worry about such things anywhere else in the piece. "Small town world" is cliche, there are plenty of ways to say it. Perhaps something to the tune of: "in a small world where discovery's park is a small pond" Nah, didn't quite work, but you probably get the idea. Why are you consuming yourself? Doesn't seem possible. I don't like the use of "vexation" here. It's a loaded word with little setup. The last line is cliche.
Overall, I like it, but feel that a bunch of little tweaks would do a world of good.
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