frosted birches
sparkle by the road . . .
brides on tiptoes
A contest entry
- Allpoetry Haiku Championship Contest by misticmoonlite.
600 points, ended January 22, 2008, 19 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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lovely comparison
frosted birches
sparkle by the road . . .
brides on tiptoes
ah yes -i enjoyed the lovely comparison in this wonderful haiku. the atmosphere of it is cool and beautiful. very well done!
i have a suggestion to offer you.
have you considered putting it into the singlular mode to give it a tighter focus?
a frosted birch
sparkles by the road . . .
bride on tiptoe
all the best on your haiku path,
myron.
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Hi, Myron, nice to hear from you! Thank you very much!
Yes, I've thought about that but decided to keep to what I really saw--rows of frosted birches lining up the road, as if I was watching a pret-a-porte show.
The first version was a 5/7/5--
brides twirl on tiptoes -
the twigs of frosted birches
sparkle by the road
Ha! The syllable counters loved it, but I didn't and decided to crop, but still cannot decide on cropping to singular. -
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yes, i agree with you that the revision works much better than the 5.7.5 version.
a haiku poet enters a vista and then looks carefully and closely for haiku. this is one of the reasons why haiku work so well - the tight focus and the little detail is where the haiku are.
that's one of the reasons why i think the singular often works well in haiku.
the other reason is that it's harder for me to imagine as many brides as birches. that distracts my attention away from the poem and makes me wonder about what the poet is doing. obviously in this case the poet is giving careful readers a metaphor. if on the other hand it was only one bride, i would be less likely to question this aspect of the haiku and readily accept that this is in fact what the poet saw (not what she/he imagined.)
i hope you don't mind my thoughts about your excellent haiku.
in haiku joy,
myron.
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Of course I don't mind, on the contrary, from such discussions I learn a lot; I need them, and thank you very much, I'll think about focusing on a birch. The ku is a bit poetic for a haiku, that's the main problem here.
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too poetic?
Hi Maya - i'm pleased you like this discussion.
is it really too poetic? i'd like to know why you think that.
i don't think it's too poetic as it concentrates on sense images. you use the haiku technique of comparison here - associating the trees with the brides. Basho did it in his haiku.
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Well, let's say a bit poetic then. My everyday haiku got published at Shamrock -- I sent them some nice poetic pieces too, but they chose the plum jam and the coffee break (which I wrote for fun).
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Oh, this is a pretty haiku, congrats on the bronze. The trees are just like that now, what a seasonal haiku!
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this is a cute haiku thank you for the entry and we will check back for any? changes good luck...mm
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Thanks for entering the "critiquing" haiku contest. Though L3 is a bit of poetic device, lets leave it alone and see how you do. (You can revise it over the next two days if you want but no revision is suggested.)
If you happen to work on it, place the revision under the original for the judges to see both. You can only revise it once.
Don -
Nice image--the contrast lends meaning to both of them. A nice sense of elegance, both natural and created.
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