The Ballad Of Frank Kilbride

I'll tell you the story of Frank Kilbride,
Who was contemplating suicide,
When he came to me for a job interview,
I decided to take the lad on - wouldn't you?

Andy Benson had started the firm Tudor Stone,
A con, quite frankly, way out on its own,
Andy's a Jew and a bit of a louse,
The product simply devalued your house.

Benson insisted he take a sales course,
Frank whispered to me in a voice rather hoarse,
"Gimme some leads and I'll sell you some deals,
I've a suit, a briefcase, a smart set of wheels."

Without Andy knowing, I gave Frank five leads,
Sensing his angst and monetary needs,
On Monday, he brought me three sales - not bad,
Then went up to Glasgow to bury his Dad.

Three days later he returned inebriated,
And completed the course ; albeit belated,
On the Friday I gave him a wad of cash,
He said, "Gimme more leads, I've got to dash!"

As a salesman I considered Frank quite "cute",
He looked the part in his smart shiny suit,
His one fault I thought : his Achilles heal,
Was talking too much when selling a deal.

There's a load of bullshit expounded re sales,
It's the listener who rarely fails,
Any road up, the lad did alright,
Frank had determination and fight.

He then perpetrated a naughty trick,
Looking back, at the time, I felt a bit sick,
I forgave him of course, he's a likeable lad,
He reminds me a lot of my poor old Dad.

He pinched loads of leaflets contained in a box,
Bless his Glaswegian cotton socks,
Changed the name and address from Tudor Stone,
To a firm he had started all on his own.

Then he was gone and flying high,
But we kept in touch (God knows why),
One year later, the roles were reversed,
I was working for HIM, (it could have been worse!)

Our lives have meandered parallel lines,
We've had our ups and downs at times,
One particular mirrored low,
Was getting divorced and doing our dough!

But we both found love and female support,
From Diane and Christine, really we ought,
To treat the girls better, but oh what the hell,
A leopard cannot change his spots too well!

There was one occasion that I can recall,
When my back was firmly against the wall,
He brought me some money, made me sign IOU,
In case I forgot, and then he could sue!

I'm joking of course, that's how I'm inclined,
A more generous lad you couldn't find,
If I wrote his obituary, here's how I'd start,
"You won't find a bloke with a bigger heart!"