loved each other
in sturdy swoops
and playful pinpricks.
Woven forever
by practical fate.
Author notes
A second draft.
Please comment/critque!
peace to all ~flight
A contest entry
- the rusted bucket; a personification contest - with nurse chilly by Cat.
800 points, ended February 17, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
honesty
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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i really like the idea of the piece- you have some tense issues which seem to confuse the story a bit- but like you said.. first draft so im sure you will clean this up..
thanks so much for entering
m -
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Is this second draft any better?
peace to all ~flight
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I'm not sure on some of your oddly placed punctuation, such as the elipses and apostrophe, being only the one?
but some of the lines in this are pretty good and I think you could really get a tight piece of writing with some editing and sorting out the line breaks
well done and many thanks for entering the contest
G.x
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Is this version better?
peace to all ~flight
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I dunno, the thread seems a bit strung out...
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Do you have any specific idea to help reel back in?
peace to all ~flight -
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I've got a notion, but nothing specific...
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