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The Sea Of Glory!!!

The sea is a wonderful thing
the wind piercing your ear as the waves become clear
The life you always wondered about underneath the sea of corralled slumbers

a life full of imaginary wonders
the things that bring you comfort like the beautiful sunlight
and even at night the stars are so bright
it makes you think about the deep blue sea
so many things to admire for you and me

A contest entry

May need improvment tell me what you think!!!

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • trista gold member
    January 20, 2008

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    Hi and welcome to the PO contest.

    I really enjoyed reading this. The thoughts are very gentle in tone, reflective, and pleasing to the ear when read aloud. I am a bit curious why you chose to rhyme the last 4 lines of the poem but not the others? There's no "rule" saying you can't do that, but generally I like to see one or the other. I’ll consider that a personal preference though, so nothing that will affect your score.

    As Bear said, you seem to cut this off just as I was getting into it. My best suggestion would be to bring some of those thoughts you've mentioned to life with more imagery. For example, I would love to know what kind of life you have always imagined being beneath the sea, and/or what all you admire.

    Another thing to note is the repetition of words: "wonderful", "wondered" and "wonders", also "sea" used 3 times. Repetition can be used to give emphasis or sometimes give a musical quality to a poem, but generally I suggest trying to vary your vocabulary. Don't be afraid to break your thesaurus out!

    I read your entry earlier, and I am so happy to see the changes you've already made, not only making this easier to read, but also following (most) of the rules. Not having POW and your theme in the author notes is an easy one to miss, a slight deduction, but hopefully just a step on the learning curve should you join us again ~ which I hope you will do. Thanks so much for a lovely entry, and good luck to you!

    Best wishes,
    ~J.


  • Arkbear gold member
    January 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    So pretty ~

    Hi there Poet!

     

    Welcome to the POW contest!

     

    Ya know, I read your other reviews, and I am glad you took their advise and took out the background, rather than remove your piece from the contest ~

     

    First off, I am not a fan of all CAPS on each line.....however, with the structure of your format and Tone, I can not say it is all that bad.....and that is rare for me :)

     

    I believe you have set a good example of how to *Show & Tell*...with a terrific balance between the both ~

     

    I must be honest though.....I was really getting into your thoughts and visions.....and then you cut me off like a bad signal from T-Mobil....hehe ~

     

    I think this is one heck of a pretty entry.....and I do like the way you ended this......as you brought forth another factor into your Theme and placed your *love* within your own thoughts as well ~

     

    There are some things which I could suggest....ie......punctuation....length.....but you have done well without my help.....and the more you join us in the PO' contests, the more you will see what we look for......and don't enjoy in a write ~

     

    Please bring your talents back, and good luck to you and your entry ~

     

    ....and one thing which is most common for so many Poets.....you left your Theme and *PO' Contest* out of your AN.....which is a very small deduction....but sometimes those small ones can keep you from a trophy ~

     

    A lovely write indeed.....a little short....but lovely,

     

    Bear ~

     

     

    Title   9.75

    Flow   9.15

    Depth   9.6

    Theme   9.8

    Feelings   9.75

    Grammar   9.35

    Presentation 9.8

    Uncommonness  10

    Sit & Ponder Affect  10

    Ability to follow Rules  9

    Bears Score:  96.2

    Well done!

    :)

    ....and remember, no editing once a Judge has touched your work ~


  • cutiepie gold member
    January 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh, this gave me such a rush!!...the feel of warm waters bathed in light beneath the cool blue...amazing. I will also ask as the others below a small favor? If you "left align" this poem it is easier to read and also take it out of capitals Just a couple of the rules you might have missed Good luck in the contest and great to have you aboard


  • islekine gold member
    January 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Just a word of warning...

    Change your background to WHITE.....and take your poem out of all capitol letters! The judges won't like it..
    I quite sure! Well done piece....just gotta follow their rules....Best wishes in the contest! Also...spell check!
    *PEACE*


  • LadyDementia gold member
    January 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Lovely imagery and a great background...I agree with below..read the rules before the judges come this way Good luck in the contest


  • DrunkenRam
    January 19, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is indeed a nice poem, I like the style, and yes it provokes thought.
    However, Read the rules for the PO contest, this is the best background I have ever seen, but not allowed for the PO.
    Hate to see you lose points for it.


  • raggyann
    January 18, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    oh this is sweet and i love the back ground

1 - 9 of 9