This is our masochistic pleasure,
This is a massacre of our hearts
This is [an ingenius] progression that's more like dissection
And paints me up with scars.
This is a whisper between our souls
A quiet, timeless connection
This rises above all your apathy
This rises above all your inane corrections.
[As you would often tell me how we're not meant to be
But the cosmos shine on you and me.]
This is ambivalent and ebuillent words
Through your mouth, your diatribe
This is your voice masking your feeling
But I decipher them in your eyes
This is a cinch, my finger touching your lips
As I prune through the braille in your mind
This is the inhertiance of [ a million semblances of a teratoma]
This is as endless as the digits of pi.....
This is a figment of my imagination.
A contest entry
- The Word Bank from "H" "E" Double Hockey Sticks by Abby In Chains..
15750 points, ended January 27, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
"This is" is a distraction, since it is also the title it is severely redundant. I wish we had more time with the contest so I could direct you better ... Going to the first stanza for instance:
This is our masochistic pleasure,
This is a massacre of our hearts
This is [an ingenius] progression that's more like dissection
And paints me up with scars.
With the title as This Is I would have suggested
This Is ...
Our masochistic pleasure,
a massacre of our hearts;
an ingenius progression that is
more like dissection through
painted scars.
Your poem has much depth to it, but it needs to be tightened, as well as eliminating unnecessary words.Best of luck to you in the contest!
~Steve
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