maybe transportation isn't needed.
[i never asked why i cared,
but i just felt it coming on like trains wailing
in the air's frame of seperation.]
because you set the suitcase next to a door;
by a room covered in mid-morning greys;
two fingers tapping on the stairs
abstaining an explanation;
i was only pushing out.
and because i let the
stolid look on your face
set my feelings aside.
i gave birth to our sufferable silence
told the belly of the bulge to quietly wait out the worst.
and she was stunned into my palms
and she was grapes in my skull
my voice was a puff of smoke
& a sick translation of homeless venture.
Author notes
inspired by this picture.
http://tn3-2.deviantart.com/fs22/300W/f/2007/317/6/b/6b956ef3634a08c2.jpg
please let me know what you think; i loved the idea of this contest its what i've been looking for.
In a list
heaven knows im miserable now.
Comments
1 - 20 of 20
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powerful at the end of this
so powerful
well done
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I really like what you're doing here! You do a great job of using imagery here. I am particularly fond of the stanza in brackets and the final stanza, you do a great job of letting your scenery speak for you rather than laying everything out for the reader. Without being explicit, I know exactly what's happened, and that is fantastic.
I know this is a huge nitpick, but the linebreak at "coming on like / trains.." seems to be out of place. It's not where a reader would naturally pause in reading that sentence, and as such it gives that stanza a disjointed, unnatural feel. If you're going for that feel (I think this piece works either way, it is ultimately your choice, there is no "better" option), then you should probably commit to it more elsewhere. If not, then the spacing could easily be fixed to make it sound natural. (a lot of my ideas on spacing and rhythm, incidentally, are derived from Howl by Ginsberg, which uses linebreaks incredibly well to create a unique sense of timing).
The only other nitpick I've got would be that at points your phrasing seems semi-awkward. Why do you say "I gave procreation to" instead of "I gave birth to"? While it works grammatically it just feels really weird to read, and "gave birth to" works fine in its place. "wait out the worse" needs a frame of reference - worse than what? You probably meant worst here. "well abstaining" and "stunned into my palms" both seem awkwardly put as well - even though they work grammatically, the words aren't typically used like that, and rephrases ("abstaining well" would work, I think) seem to fix any flow problems you've got.
At any rate, this is an excellent piece. I'm going to keep an eye on your work, I feel like you've got great potential.
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i really like "mid-morning greys"
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this obviously means allot to the person who wrote it,
witch would be you,this has amazing imagery and
the words just make me shake <3
keep it up,this is like nothing else. -
That is insanely amazing. I realllly envy you these words! Mid morning greys. The imagery in this poem is like....a drug.
And the way you string the words together; stunning.
you are verrrry talented..
Verry impressed.
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Wow. First let me say you have wonderful imagery and metaphor use here. I am challenged, even with assistance from the picture, to figure out what you are saying though. I feel I am close to understanding but not quite grasping it.
John
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can i just say this was quite amazing. the part with the suitcase and then "the belly of the bulge". just very wow. it makes me sad and it's very beautiful.
well well done. -
I agree, the last stanza was the most powerful for me, especially this line, "i gave procreation to our sufferable silence
told the belly of the bulge to quietly wait out the worse."
amazing work my dear!
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the last stanza was so incredible
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you are ridiculously talented! this poem is beeeautiful, wow!
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i don't know how i missed this.
it's so amazing.
'my voice was a puff of smoke
& a sick translation of homeless venture. '
wow.
wow.
wow.
!
<33
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this is a truly beautiful piece of writing. i loved this along with the picture. you illustrate so perfectly. i read this an then looked at the picture. this made it mean so much more. i saw and felt everything here. i wanna be like you when i grow up.
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coming from you, thats a flattering comment :-D
thank you very much for reading
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Lovely picture. I think pictures can hold the best inspiration for things. What I found both intelligent and extremely clever about this poem was it's use of diction. The last stanza implying abortion/pregnancy went will with your word choice in the other stanzas.
"abstaining an explanation;
i was only pushing out."
'abstaining' reminded me so much of the 'talks' on Abstinence, and 'pushing out' is a great reference to giving birth.
One thing I noticed is that you sometimes capitilized the first letter in the sentence, and sometimes you didn't. I don't have a preference either way, though I do think you should stick to one. Either capitilize them all, or none.
The beginning line and the title go great together. -
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sorry about that :/ i just took the caps out thank you for your honest opinion
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christ.
almighty.
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This is so nice, its painting a portrait, and then breathing blue-gray life into the girl that sits in it. Absolutely gorgeous. I read the poem, and it was so...laundromat, like it just had that snowy-grey-dusty-bone feel to it. Traveling through miles of sketchy tundra to find something.
Thats another thing I really loved about this. You didnt really give her a reason, their were just wisps of her life and waves of personality. She had eyes that shimmered but you didnt know why, so beautifully written.
"and she was stunned into my palms
and she was grapes in my skull"
That was lovely. I'm not sure if this poem was you talking about creating her, or her looking back on a girl she hurt or changed or was leaving behind. Either way, stunning words, I love the simple cool words you used for this "connecting space" is perfect. You are connecting between image and thought and life and girl. And the girl you have made a connection to by existing in words is connecting her own spaces. With the spaces I fill =P. Luvit.
xoxo<3X
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you should so totally win an award for commenting.
shit in fact i dubb you star girl BOSS QUEEN of commenting!!! ily sugar dollie ♥!!!
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-well abstaining an explaination;
explanation?
i think this has to be one of your best, as far as i've read you.
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man im so glad you have a good eye for spelling. i look like a dunce when it comes to spelling lOL
thank you very much chick ♥
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