Gone the grey water
with its yellowish foam: ice
prises on its lid.
Spackle backed toads squat
fatly in the reeds, widely
blinking yellow eyes.
Downriver, kids poke
starbursts in the ice. Step out,
back; shriek at the cracks.
A contest entry
- Down by the river Haiku by Swan song.
900 points, ended January 22, 2008, 17 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 13 of 13
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LOVELY
I remember playing on the rivers edge when I was a kid, brings back some happy memories for me!!! I really enjoyed this Dear Esther.
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Good.
This sets a beautiful wintery scene in the readers mind and successfully hints at the mood of the place. Also not long winded which I liked. A descriptive work of art.
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I think this is alot darker than its lets on. "yellowis foam" and "yellow eyes" make me think of jaundice. I attach a sort of nihilism to gray. And having naïve people (kids) horrified by the result of their choices seems very existencial.
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Always a treat when well expressed imagery transports you to the scene. All my senses are engaged.I am still here, giggling at the kids.
I'll be surprised if you don't at least place with this.
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I was born on January 17th. I am a capricorn. I loved this poem. Look at that gorgeous simplicity. It's stunning.
I love the notion of grey water. I think of grey water in terms of recycling...reusable, reclaimable water only because I live in the desert & they are always thinking of ways to try to save our aquifers.
I haven't seen reeds in ages & I miss Bangladesh for that very reason. In Bengali, my native tongue, toads are called 'bang' pronounced "b- ang" (as in the word angst).
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I loved the descriptions this piece had. They were simply amazing. The image you put into my mind... They were so vivid, with these short lines ~ I was very surprised.
I'll give you some props for that
~ Wonderful job!
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Haiku's can be wonderfully effective in creating detailed visual images when used correctly; this is one of those times. You build a strong atmosphere and then end it with a sudden and chilling but ambiguous end. When I read the title I was expecting a detailed poem about a 24 hour day but was delighted to find such an elegant Haiku. Thanks for writing, I very much enjoyed reading.
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"Gone the grey water" .. I like that line alone, it has an interesting resonance to it and it is very telling of that frothy, slushy quality of the season. Haikus are lovely and so are yours. You should write them more often.
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The first stanza is just breathtaking. Perfect overall I'd say.
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Great haiku, wonderful frozen moment. Vivid and powerful images.
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and some applause!
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OH THIS IS WONDERFUL!!!!
I love the sound of this...the sheer sound this poem makes. So condense and focused. Much like the starbursts in the ice, I suppose (amazing use of language there, and throughout). The repetition of color use, with the yellow foam, mirroring the toads yellow eyes…sort of a landscape of stars or comets, stars bursting, or starbursts, for that matter. The wonder of it. I can’t stress enough how much your choice of words, your use of language and sound is just spectacular here! So professional, but not in the stuffy sense—in the artful sense: every word is nestled in the right place, every image presented at the right time. It all works so well together, each holding each up and illuminating one another. It’s simply perfected. Also, I love the word “spackle.” I have been obsessing over it lately because this singer I’m currently repeating uses it in a line “Spackled some butter / over my whole grained bread” anyway, I just love that word and it works specifically well here in your poem.
I just can’t think of anything to say other than I love it….I have even combed over the line breaks and find that each one works perfectly. The only thing I can suggest is in the last stanza…”Downriver, kids poke / starbursts in the ice. Step out, /
But the stepping out and back—the kids are doing this as well, right? Maybe find some other way to make the connection, the flow, of that sentence rather than having the period after ice?
Kids poke starbursts in the ice—step out, back, shriek at the cracks. Or a semi colon after ice? Gosh I don’t know I always ask other people for punctuation advice because I’m awful…I know, I know, I should be better with a degree in English, but I say I’m just too creative for rules. LOL. But yeah, it’s a thought.
otherwise, just perfect...I love it! I always adore wintery poems, too.
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this is just a wonderful little vision of an icy january- i love the sights and sounds
of the piece and the beauty inside the beauty of it-
the ice and toads are especially vivid to me as is the delight of children
lovely stuff
m
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