I can see out, but who can see in?
As I peer out, my box of pain shields me as I fall apart
but still I can see the imperfections of my reflection
Yesterday everything seemed so clear
but today I know not if I am on the outside
looking in or the inside looking out
and as I travel this dark underbelly of my mind
I fear to be lost, for my vision to fail me
Maybe tonight, my prayers will be answered
its shines with such veiled light under my pale face
my innocence, acid washed on the dark side of silence . . .
the stillness in response, reaction and reply
I cradle my emotions . . . I pitch and sway in the balance
the damp air dresses me in her stillness
tides of affection held in time . . . with reaction waiting just under the surface
I seek simple solace, found as memories fade and lose vitality
as they pass swiftly, with the waning light, a mist crawls all around
shrouding me in its safe silence . . . my dreams awaken
I will find the strength to lower my blanket of shame
as I hand over this battle of depression
These confessions of numbness can cease
as I admit weakness and look ahead to this, my road in life
each bend containing perhaps happiness and love
if I have but the courage to move ahead, past strife
as chronic emotions fall like raindrops, the tears gather
in liquid dew blossoms, the haze will clear
and I will finally see the beauty of tomorrow . . .
A contest entry
- Contest~Your Choice by Dak.
600 points, ended January 16, 2008, 26 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I will find the strength to lower my blanket of shame
as I hand over this battle of depression
These confessions of numbness can cease
as I admit weakness and look ahead to this, my road in life
each bend containing perhaps happiness and love
if I have but the courage to move ahead, past strife
as chronic emotions fall like raindrops, the tears gather
in liquid dew blossoms, the haze will clear
and I will finally see the beauty of tomorrow . .
Its prayer like in its elegance.
-
nicely done, full of emotion.
something to consider: to me it seemed at if some of your lines were a bit too long and could have worked better had they been split up. some specific lines include:
"looking in or the inside looking out" perhaps consider breaking the line at 'in'
"I seek simple solace, found as memories fade and lose vitality " this could work better if the line was broken at the comma
there were a few other lines, but I'm sure you get the point. Obviously it's your poem so it's your call, these are only my suggestions
anyway, nice job here
Axel Gold
-
Fantastic piece, the first two lines had me worried the piece was a flop..but it soared from there...very well penned..great imagery...depression is ugly, and brutal..I've lived through it...hated every moment of it...wonderful write expressing it..thanx for sharin...grats on the trophy
-
I'm glad you got this fresh write in, just in the nick of time too. I love the metaphor, personification and imagery in your writing. Thank you for entering this into my contest, and allowing me to view it. :]
Adding your comment:
