Letter to an asshole

Dear *****,

I’d like to begin this with a salutation
Fuck you.

I know it’s been a while since we’ve talked
That’s probably because I refuse to associate
With someone so disgusting and unbearably selfish
But I think this time apart has been a good thing.

I remember when things began
You were hesitant and so was I
Although I may not have had the same hesitations as you
It’s just sex you know,
Simple companionship on a lonely night.

And it was, in the beginning, fairly simple
And fun too.
It was exciting to keep it a secret
Just between me and you.
It was enticing to know
That there was no place we couldn’t go
To satisfy our needs.

And I enjoyed myself with you.
But then something happened
I let my guard down for the tiniest second
I forgot that I was supposed to be machine
Not a human with a heart beating whole in my chest
I forgot that we were nothing but two people
Fucking.
And in that instant, I wanted more of you
More than just the fix for a need.

I hid it from you, and I lied to myself
For many months I struggled
Tortured between the possibility of having you all
And losing everything at once
Why is there never an in-between
In these pitiful stories of half-assed romance
Pathetic stories of longing and woe and desires unmet

I told you the way things were for me
I hoped you would see it my way
I said that I couldn’t keep going
On this one-way track of
Sex with no kindness or love
And either we make something more
Or we end it right now

You hm-ed and you sighed
You avoided a response as much as you could
I practically forced you to give me an answer
In which I was told
That because I didn’t want children
At the ripe old age of 20
That was not compatible with his life plans
And he couldn’t be involved in a relationship
Because of the military obligation that will begin
3 years into the future.

I didn’t understand
Why the concern for children
If you weren’t ready for just a girlfriend?

After you told me no
And we agreed it would all end
You asked me how I wanted it to be
As if saying that I wanted to love you
Would have made any difference
Except to weaken my pride further
And prop yours up some more

You walked me home
And you hugged me
Like you could never have let me go
And for the first time I may
Have let you see me shed
A single tear
And then I walked away from you
Without looking back

Two days later I told you this was stupid
And you agreed that we should talk
I went over to your place
And as usual you were flirting
And making sexual advances
And it was only after I said don’t
And turned away from you
That you were willing to date me now

And you fucked me again that night
Got what you wanted.

Things went on pretty much exactly as before
Even though I was your girlfriend
We never did things in public
And aside from my close friends
No one ever knew
How convenient for you

Then one month in, you’re upset somehow
Suddenly you dislike having sex
Without the marriage vow
It isn’t proper and it isn’t right
The things we were doing
Most every other night.

And then when I said wait
I’m ok to stop that part
Besides we never do anything
Except be alone together
In the darkness of your room

I made suggestions
And compromises
And then you attacked me for not being catholic
And interrogated me about my family’s religion

Again we were to have a talk
Again you avoided it
I went over, and two days after telling me
That you thought premarital sex was wrong
You initiated sex with me twice
I was even on the rag.
Boy, I guess you’re pretty messed up

The next morning when you came back
From showering off your guilt
I looked at you and asked when we would talk
And you replied with
“I knew you were going to do this to me.”
What have I done so terribly wrong to him?
Except ask for the answers he had promised me
The night before but never gave

The rest of the day you avoided
And didn’t respond
Finally showing up to tell me
That you only started this all with me
Because at that point in your life
Things were all rather uncertain
And your compass was a little off
But now you want your life to be perfect again
And therefore I was not necessary to him
Anymore.

Simple as that.

Well, *****
Besides informing you
That you are in fact
A gigantic douchebag
I would also like to let you know
That even *** had never treated me worse

I’m sorry I didn’t fit into your
Perfect Catholic dream
I’m sorry that because I was ok with sex
It meant that I was a temptress
And therefore made you unable to control yourself
I’m sorry that I’m not ready to commit my life to you
Or change everything about me for your wants
I’m sorry that I’m not ready to be a baby chute
For someone who very obviously
Never cared about me to begin with

Mostly I’m sorry that I have not yet
Jacked you in the face
In front of all those girls you flirt with
Right in front of me.
Those strait-laced, upright
Honourable Catholic, Protestant, Methodist
Baptist, Evangelist, or even Lutheran girls
All virgins with nothing but
Babies and their future husband in mind

And though I can never forgive you
Not that you’ve ever asked for forgiveness
You’re Catholic, you can do no wrong
So why should you?
I will try my damnedest to forget all about you

So I’m saying goodbye to this
And I’m trying to pick up the pieces
And leave intact from this place
I’m not above saying
That I hope you suffer,
And I hope Alicia Keys is right
That it’s called Karma
And what comes around goes around.
And I hope Karma beats your ass.

I’ll see you in hell.
~*******~