“What can we do for you today?” she asks,
I want to look like that one,
The one through the mirror
Who happily bares her faultless, white teeth,
With a flash,
For all, from her wall.
Cut, gone, off, down,
Bits of me bounce off the wooden mirror,
Then die.
Smiling nervously,
The girl in the glass
Echoes my sentiment,
But more beautifully.
Her aura glows with
Rows of shining, fluorescent bottles
Beaming through like sweet jars,
Keeping the potions of the perfect.
“Anywhere nice?” she chews,
The blinding laser from her blades
Cuts across my eye.
You’re worth it,
The faultless teeth whisper silently,
And the spangles rotate spherically.
And the bubbles glisten attentively.
And the clock ticks perfectly.
And the pride festers accordingly.
And I open my eyes to the wonder that is now
Me.
Under the Sun,
Outside,
In reality.
Author notes
Ladame
Theme: perception in popular culture
A contest entry
- Burning Inside by JULzz- ROLaa.
324 points, ended January 26, 2008, 15 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Bad Hair Day by aboomer.
525 points, ended April 15, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - For all of you Brilliant young Poets...20 and under.... by islekine.
750 points, ended June 8, 2008, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A Happy Contest! by Peachy.
1400 points, ended June 9, 2008, 30 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think - in general?
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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great write, thanks for the entry!
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exellent!!!
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This is a great write.....
“Anywhere nice?” she chews,
The blinding laser from her blades
Cuts across my eye.
You’re worth it,
The faultless teeth whisper silently,....
I love this stanza....
And the spangles rotate spherically.
And the bubbles glisten attentively.
And the clock ticks perfectly.
And the pride festers accordingly....this one however
is horrible...never use the same word twice in a poem if possible..and "filler" words like "and" and "the"
as little as possible...check it out:
Spangles rotate spherically,
bubbles glisten attentively,
clock ticks perfectly
pride festers accordingly.
Makes it flow...still your words..without the fillers...Best wishes in the contest...my scores will come at final judging....Thanks for entering!
Write on!
*PEACE*
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That, in fact, is my favourite stanza, and also the favourite of many other readers
I use the words "And" and "the" to take the mickey - those words are never used as important, stressed words, and by taking them out of their usual context, they form an important role in the build up.
Thanks for your very thoughtful critique.
Sarah
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That's truly marvelous!
I love the last 2 stanzas ...
And the spangles rotate spherically.
And the bubbles glisten attentively.
And the clock ticks perfectly.
And the pride festers accordingly.
And I open my eyes to the wonder that is now
Me.
Under the Sun,
Outside,
In reality.
Insightful and really quite brilliant!
I like your style ...
~ James ~
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A few of my other poems are in a similar style: Injection, Mistake, Nursery, Can't Say No (they're my particular favourites that use this style)- maybe they might appeal to you. Thanks for being interested
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Contest: Picture Prompt: "I am NOT green and purple!" - so you say! by JP.Troy
Your description is wonderfully original and you have controlled the pace well to reflect the mood and action.
Cut, gone, off, down,
Bits of me bounce off the wooden mirror,
Then die.
Smiling nervously,
The girl in the glass
Echoes my sentiment,
But more beautifully.
The staccato rhythm that you employ here and in other standards really reflects the sound of the scissors and the commotion of the hair dressers shop. This evokes the scene brilliantly for the reader.
Her aura glows with
Rows of shining, fluorescent bottles
Beaming through like sweet jars,
Keeping the potions of the perfect.
I love the imagery of this stanza. I can see the colours glowing and dancing before my eyes. That is really what this contest is about...capturing the essence of colour. "Potions of the perfect" is a terrific description.
Your poem shows that inner voice in everyone that wants us to be seen other than we are. This perfectly reflects the theme of this contest. It particularly reminds me of my sisters frequent trips to the hair dresser in an attempt to look different. I can never see the point. But so long as it makes the "made over" person happy.
And the spangles rotate spherically.
And the bubbles glisten attentively.
And the clock ticks perfectly.
And the pride festers accordingly.
And I open my eyes to the wonder that is now
Me.
Under the Sun,
Outside,
In reality.
Thank you for entering this contest. Good luck.
J.P. Troy
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Very well worded and great images. And your last 2 verses end this nicely.
Quite interesting, too.
Thank you for your entry
best wishes
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very cool poem this is a nice entry for her contest... good luck...
lin -
It wasn't presented this way but I found this somehow gruesome. Good write.
HM -
There is no such thing as perfection but people still try to strive for it. Good luck to you in the contest.
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Perfection is in the eyes of the beholder. We all think perfection is something different; is someone else. Who knows, maybe others think what we have, how we live is perfect. grass is always greener on the other side of the fence, till you move there and then wish you could go back to where you used to be. Plastic surgery does not happiness make! Interesting thoughts shared in these lines.
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bronze
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Hello there and thanks for entering your poem was very good and very well written best of luck to you and thanks again for entering..
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i really liked the way you phrased the poem. the way its all understandable and the imagery it kinda has. good luck!
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Hmmm.. perfection is an issue we deal with daily. I like the second to last stanzam and the description you use. Thank you for entering
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