A thousand chimes of pain
Ringing in the ears
Screaming for eternity
Screaming with hate
Wonder and ponder
How it came about
Stuck in the abyss
No way to escape
Gnashing and screaming
Cursing and shouting
Roars of hellish agony
Coming from burnt lungs
Lucifer;
The Light Angel of Hell
Watching over his dominion
Grinning with pride
Growling and laughing
As their chorus of anguish
Ripples, courses, drips
Into his beautiful ears
The lush sound of women
Beaten and bloodied
The gaunt sound of men
Ravaged time after time
Sufferings of forever
Numbers of googol beyond
Paradise forsaken
Heaven rebuked
For love, my love
For you I burnt my flesh.
For you I smell my skin
Dissolving to nothing
For agony and day after day
And night after night
Of mistakes remembered
Of things I’ve done wrong
Damnation of the highest order
Demons of the greatest strengths
Abaddon, Lucifer, Beelzebub
To trample me about
For I sold my soul to Satan, love
I sold it in exchange for yours
And now you’ll go to heaven
And I’ll love you from below
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round Two [Top 16] by Tangled Angle.
450 points, ended January 18, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I do feel the only reason it seems wordy, is through the vague-ness of the piece. With more depth, I feel extra use of words could be evened out.
You have used some beautiful phrasing - as well as the title. My only advice is to loosen up on bulk use of personal nouns.
D.I.D [Sulfs]
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I really like this one. It has such a great flow...I love the thought to it. It is very deep! Keep Up the wonderful writting!
Brittany!
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I really liked the title, slightly abstract when related to the piece but it works well.
My main problem with this was the lack of punctuation in certain places. While it works in moderation, it can also hold a poem back.
The only other thing (which Tyler mentioned) was that it does seem a little wordy, but nothing that some editing can't fix
I, too, really liked the idea of "chimes of pain" it has such a lovely metaphor to it.
Good luck
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Absolutely amazing.
Its dark and romantic at the same time.
Only you could accomplish that.
-Aimee teh poetz of nothingness.
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An amazing write, scared me but still amazing! I love the diffrerent refrerences to Lucifer that you make, its very refreshing to know that knowledge was actually put behind this. Seriously great write.
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Wow, Asa, this was great. A lot of the times, I never understood what your poetry was about, but this one was very clear.... and I loved it. Amazing job!
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AWESOME..woot moocho points for you
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The storyline is rather vague, this is kind of wordy, and the concept is somewhat cliche; it reminded me of a few other entries. I like the ideas though, I especially liked the first two lines. "chimes of pain" - the irony is that chimes sound pretty, but pain is ugly. It reminds me of how love is like the pretty sound of chimes, but then the heartache is like the pain. Interesting metaphor.
Well done, and good luck this round.
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