The flash in your eye when no one is near
the sound at night that makes you cower and fear
the gust of air when the world is still
the time you awake to find neither strength nor will
When you see the sun in a different color
when the moon at night has a hue of blue
when the presence of another if felt but not there
when for no real reason you shed one tear
With the light shining through while no source is used
leading you to your destination needed to press on
for these feelings may help you or hurt you
these unknown causes come from the SHADOWS.
A contest entry
- everything and anything by x Bright Eyes x.
525 points, ended February 4, 2008, 84 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
what event comes to your mind
Comments
-
nice write, it drew me in and kept me interested.
-
well yeah I guess they are kinda right you were talking scary and then there was hope for a line and then you went back to scary
-
A very moody piece. It seems well constructed except for:
line 3's end may work better as "strength of will"
line 7, should that be "if" or "is"?
and lines 9 through 12 only throw me for a loop, because I was used to there being rhymes at the ends of nearly all the lines above.
The last 4 lines are good, don't get me wrong, but I think you might re-work them a bit to make them really "shine".
maybe:
9. with the light shining through from no source known,
10. leading to your destination, needed to press on,
11. for these feelings may help you or hurt you, Lord knows,
12. these unknown causes that come from the shadows.
Or... maybe I'm way off base here.
In any case, good luck in the contest!
Write On!
jIM
Adding your comment:
