i.
it's crowded
some mornings.
you keep
an unborn son
in your neglect.
and the window
whites the room,
your head
aches.
you piss
on the dream
of an angel
singing in the voice
of a different person
different place,
coming
to watch you
graze.
ii.
he was
littler
than you,
so much less
and fewer
than any soldier
you had ever
seen,
and this
you knew as
a failure.
iii.
no one said
things that
weren't secrets
and they were
always yours
and not his
to adopt.
Vi.
he couldn't be
half
of any child
you'd ever
meet
and that's enough
to keep him
small
waiting
in the hall
for dinnertime
when you'd appear
tall
and all
the things
you thought that he
should be.
you passed the food
and the child peeps
that he's faster
on his bike
than he was
last week.
a mother would smile
a father just eats
and excuses him-
self early.
v.
the sink is nasty
and
some birds
hit the window
like
god.
A contest entry
- Nicolette and Mary present; a season of long breaths: a collaborative contest by Cat.
3500 points, ended February 2, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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This one runs deep. I like that. It isn't just shallow images (not a reflection on anyone else in this contest at all), but there is meaning tied into each line that at the end .. makes you gasp a bit.
Nicely done, and good luck
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I agree with Mary's assessments and her comment on this poem. This poem has that "lingering" quality I look for in a poem...something that stays with the reader. To me this poem shows... and the two of you achieved something very worthwhile with this collaborative effort.
I liked this piece... I've always loved the vignette form and you've done a good job at writing in this form/style. I too was wondering about the line "the unborn son you keep in your neglect." Even a comma after "neglect" would still allow the visual or thought to be highlighted the way I guess you wanted it to be. I especially liked the first two stanzas of the 4th vignette - sharp and vivid emotions and visuals you've created there! The ending (v.) is very good too and a powerful way to end this poem with. Your voices really harmonize so well here - it's hard to tell them apart!
A very good effort by the two of you - well done!
~ Nicolette
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Thanks for your comment Nic. It's greatly appreciated.
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a mother would smile
a father just eats
and excuses him-
self early
I thought that bit especially profound- i think this stanza just sort of paints the entire piece ... the differences, the indifference- so sad really-
i noticed in the first stanza you have:
the unborn son
you keep
in your neglect.
standing as a sentence when it isn't.. a reversal of lines will make it so.. you keep and unborn son in your neglect would fix the issue
i really like the final stanza too.. a sharp, crunchy ending..
overall a fine piece with some hard-thought images through out.. and good collaborative effort..
happy to find this here
m -
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Thanks so much. I'll certainly take your advice.
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incredibly powerful. something so terrible you cannot turn away. sometimes i think being loved less than you should be is the most painful thing in the world.
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the ending.
wow.
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i saw nothing wrong in this. the ending was absolutely amazing. i'm sorry, but i can't suggest anything in here. don't think it needs much. reminds me of a movie i really want to see. i think it can either describe a disabled child, or any neglected child at all. i felt both in it.
fantastic.
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oh, there is one thing. not sure if it makes a difference. but for this stanza:
he was so
much smaller
than you,
maybe just make it:
he was
smaller
than you
dunno. see if you like the flow better. -
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Thanks so much. Glad you enjoyed.
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