The sky cries out, and my hair dances across my face wilting in my tears
Every vodka kiss that ever laid a hand upon my lips is screaming out my name
Dance with us child, dance in the moon light that's drenched in your grief
To what depth am i willing to go to feel the warm flesh of his lips on mine.
Weary nights with the gun in hand
Candles burning, thoughts searing my mind
Hide behind, a pretty face and a simple deadly smile
Darling please, oh please won't you stay for just little a while
My finger twist around my decision
Trigger happy little girl
Music pours out of my head with every drop of blood
My life is taken into the crimson pool
Fire dances at my feet
This one love i've come to meet
The sweet shall devour my soul as my path winds into burning despair
Just to see his face, just to feel his lips once more
Welcome to my beautiful hell
Author notes
killing yourself to be with the one you love may be cliche but going to hell for them may not be
Please tell me what you think
Comments
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To what depth am i willing to go to feel the warm flesh of his lips on mine.
Weary nights with the gun in hand
Candles burning, thoughts searing my mind
^ i love those lines so much. great job.
heyheyhey im back on allpoetry!
-erin -
The end line was a little disappointing [I am really an end liner] it makes or breaks the poem, I feel this piece didn't do it compliments.
You have some beautiful phrasing and nice word choice. And although the rhyme is simple - it does fit nicely but some has an awkward tone to it.
D.I.D [Sulfs]
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While I think you could have used a better starting metaphor than "vodka kiss" in the second line, I really enjoyed how that line read.
I agree with Tyler on the rhyme; while I don't mind reading rhyming pieces you have to be careful that the rhyme is only an aid and you're not basing the feel of your piece around it.
The other thing is that I think you could have finished with a bigger bang, really stunned the reader into speechlessness. As it is you're stating the same fact that's been the under current through the whole piece.
Good luck
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Thanks for you comment, your words are very true, i should have done almost a million things different
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i'm not crazy about the rhyme, or the concept; it is rather cliche.
But, I did like the few metaphors in there, it does show that you put forth some effort to be creative. I wish there was more metaphor, more symbolism, and more depth.
Sometimes the imagery created by the metaphors are symbolic to the emotion. Images created by words are powerful.
You could possibly slip past this round, if you make it next round; just remember: metaphor, line breaking, and profound vs. cliche. Profound is a result of originality usually.
I apologize if I come across as a know-it-all, but really I am just trying to help you out. Good luck.
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Thanks for you comment, i know this poem needs some serious work, i dont think it's very good either and the ryhming even makes me mad, if it wernt for the contest i would just delete it. But if i somehow make it to the next round i will not turn anything poor as this again
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