She's a living car crash,
distorted, painful, wrecked,
an image of pure grief,
just your average teenage tragedy.
All those who pass long to shut their
eyes to something so broken.
But they are drawn to her by some magnetic force.
They can't imagine the pain she feels,
no matter how much they wince,
no matter the weight of their hearts,
despite the amount of prayers for her they say.
The anguish anyone feels is nothing compared to her own.
But she sickens them all the same,
even if it is wrong.
Human nature doesn't take a liking to the ugly and fractured.
They just hang their mouths open in apalled shock.
They can't mind their own buisness and just look away.
Every inch of her is bruised,
her body is black and blue.
The only other color is the redness of her bloodshot eyes.
Her hair is bushy, notted and unkept,
like a messy birds nest.
White scars shine against her dark skin,
spelling out the words let's just be friends
again and again.
The sleeves of her loose black t-shirt are ripped and frayed.
All those times she whispered those three little words you can't take back
she never heard them in return.
She's just your typical walking disaster,
the image of a broken heart.
All she longs for is for someone to nurse her back to health,
willing to take the time to make her whole and beautiful again.
That's the only reason she still puts up with the abuse.
She knows one day when she puts her heart on the line it won't get hurt.
She'll finally find her Mr. Right.
One day she will find the boy she wants,
the one that is all she needs.
Author notes
Here it is, sorry it took so damn long. My muse took the long time to go on vacation.....so sorry.
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round Two [Top 16] by Tangled Angle.
450 points, ended January 18, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
let me know how you like it =]
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I do agree with both judges
I feel the emotions, though beautiful and stated poetically, I feel there is quite an excess in emotions and feel some slight snipping - even to make to poem shorter to loosen the drag.
But apart from that - for me, if you do pertain to Helen's wishes and add some tasteful yet abstract metaphors, you really could bring out the best in yourself.
And definately for a piece with lack of muse [we all know what it's like] this is nicely done.
D.I.D [Sulfs]
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i think this was fantabulous!
it had spectacular imagery and it doesn't let the reader get distracted and move onto something else, well it didn't me and im easily distracted!
great work
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Before I go any further than the first stanza there's something I really must point out. The words "teenage tragedy" have become almost as big of a cliche as "crimson tears". Just so you know in the future, don't be afraid to be a little more abstract. Make your reader think about what you're saying rather than handing it to them.
That said, I think you've got a lot of emotion in this piece, and feeling is certainly incredibly important when writing a poem.
Yeah, I think my main comment to you would be; don't be afraid to use abstract metaphors. Don't litter the piece with them so much that you're choking it, but don't hand the situation to the reader quite so much
Good luck. -
even though i am and have been emotionally abused; i have been fortunate enough to not be physically abused. my cousin is abused, and she doesnt tell anyone. my other cousins were abused.
this is a powerful concept, cliche or not.
i wish you were more creative. i like your random metaphors, but i wish you would have kept a consistent metaphor-theme. like, say i wrote a poem about the ocean.
the waves of loneliness
erode an abandoned shore,
whose sands are saturated
from time's tides that pulled
grains of hope
into the restless ocean
and every trembling trepidation
found in the epicenter
of Poseidon's sighs.
The universal concept is the ocean. (the sub-concepts are earthquakes and Poseidon).
This poem is about the how loneliness can grow in time, and therefore erode away the hope someone has in finding a lover or being with a lover. The trembling means there's an earthquake, caused by sighs (the epicenter). The sigh is to show the sadness the character feels.
Poseidon, in Greek mythology, is the god of the ocean. he can generate storms, tidal waves, and earthquakes.
Try to do something like that in your future poems.
Know what I mean?
I hope this made sense.
I know you have potential. I wish you good luck.
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Oh, I get exactly what you mean, and I will try to use that next round. Well, if I make it I mean
Thanks for the comment and trying to really teach me something here. I'm glad you think I have potential. I know this poem isn't that great, especially compared to other entries. But I hope you consider me for next round I know I'm not as talented as others, this poem definitely showed that (haha I always hate my work after I enter it in a contest) but I am willing to learn and to grow.
Thanks again, and good luck judging!! Thats hard too! lol
Love Always,
Caroline
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thanks for your comment..
Ah, I knew I'd have some typos. I had to shove my older sister off the computer for the mere five minutes I was given to enter this. She was like "I'M DOING HOMEWORK" and I said "NOOOO I HAVE TO GET THIS IN" lol well thank you for pointing those out.
And, yeah, that line was giving me some trouble....now I think it sounds better?
Good luck to you to!!!
Love Always,
Caroline -
Hey, I was reading and I saw that you had a few typo's.
In the beginning the word grief is spelled wrong.
The sleves of her loose black t-shirt are rpped and frayed.
sleves should be sleeves
and rpped should be ripped I'm guessing?
Also, I noticed:
She's finally find her Mr. Right.
From the end of it I'm guessing that it should be she'll instead of she's?
But I just thought you might want to fix those.
I also saw some things that seemed a little awkward, like this line
All those times she whispered those three little words you can't take back
not one were returned.
The not one were returned seems a little... not worded right?
But I personally enjoyed your take of the prompt and wish you tons of luck!!!
♥'s
sosha
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