I tried to be perfect for you,
But that perfection was not mine
'Cause I was just a perfect mirror
Of how you've evolved in time.
I tried to be perfect, so you
Would only see what's good in me,
But that perfection had its flaws
'Cause I was not all you could be.
I tried to be perfect with you,
But people did not notice me
'Cause I was just so monochrome
Next to the colors you could be.
I tried to be perfect like you,
But that perfection raised some questions
'Cause I am just a perfect version
Of all of your imperfections...
Author notes
OK, so take it as you want: cliche, or not, I absolutely love this poem. Fresh off the...notebook!
A contest entry
- Masking the Imperfections by Fairies on Fire.
519 points, ended February 2, 2008, 18 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Pimp up my prewrites by leander.
650 points, ended February 21, 2008, 108 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - What's in your head and on your mind... by Nyxs Daughter.
450 points, ended February 27, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Whatever you want by Krick.
500 points, ended March 22, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poetry only by Dahlia Tremaine.
425 points, ended April 1, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Ultimate Goal by N e a r.
20000 points, ended June 2, 2008, 946 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrites But NO "fresh" writes by ecrivain01.
450 points, ended June 6, 2008, 77 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PW Party by Blooming Poet.
425 points, ended July 23, 2008, 117 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Largest Contest On AP!!!! by xxRainbowDawnxx.
3000 points, ended August 26, 2008, 1708 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Looking forward to your opinions...
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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I enjoyed reading this - it's neatly constructed, and the last line hammered out the point elegantly.
My poem "Perfection" is somewhat different, but I feel an affinity between the two.
Thanks for posting this,
Sarah
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in my humble opinion. cliche' is cliche'. i agree with some comments like ALL OF OUR WORDS ARE RECYCLED... from the mouths and pens of greats... and not so greats... i loved it. i think the perfect repeated. was brilliant. and i think it made your case and point stronger. you go . with your bad self. thanks for sharing!
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I kinda can relate to this poem, but I agree you should step outside the box with your word choices, it would help.
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I absolutely love it too ...
which doesn't mean it's going to win the contest, as it's far too early to know things like that. However I will say that it's a very good poem.
Thanks for entering. -
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^_^ Your objectivity is much appreciated!
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I am stunned.
This is bloody brilliant.
I can't say this is not cliche ~ some parts and emotions are common. BUT NO ~ this one of those writes where cliche is fresh... It's hard to explain. Lemme try, here... The way you write this seems like you are the creater of the said cliche. This does not mean this is a bad poem. I agree with indiviuality when it comes to his repsonse of the "cliche" part as well.
Again! I must show you my favorite lines... (I usually never point favorite lines out, but your poems deserve them fully.)
i) "'Cause I was just so monochrome
Next to the colors you could be."
Mind you, when I read this, my insant reaction was my eyebrows raising and eyes widening.
ii)"'Cause I am just a perfect version
Of all of your imperfections..."
I would love to know more about this piece, sincerely. I would like to discuss it with you through IM or however it works. I do not quite understand the beginning or the core emotions, whether this is a poem of you trying to be perfect for someone, the person seeing you as perfect, or the person loving you for being human~ perfectly imperfect. I am so intrigued!
Thank you for your entry, and good luck!
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The last two lines of your last stanza were mind blowing as I think that so many people fall into that trap!! Fantastic writing here and best of luck in the contest
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ah cliche, i hate it when peeps come in and say things like that for everything is recycled and so we should. i like the repetition here, it adds to the poem, you should try some forms like the villanelle or the pantoum which use such devices a good poem.
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I really enjoyed this!!! Your imagery is wonderful and I can relate very well to your words. Good luck in the contest.
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Personally, I think you used the word "perfect" and other words with it (imperfections, perfection, etc) too often. There are synonyms for the word, y'know. It would have been a lot less bland had you used some.
Decent poem overall!
-Cristina -
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Thank you! You were very helpful! I'll get the dictionary and re-write
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thesaurus.com is also a good source!
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I love this!
A brilliant write that you have penned here.
I am sure that you will do well with this one.
All the best to you in this contest and thanks
for sharing it here!
Jeremy0826 -
I liked the last three lines, the rest was okay but nothing compared to the last three lines.
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love it
may be a tad cliche..but eh who cares..you have great flow and you made it interesting..which is what a good write should do...thanx so much for sharing..blessings..namaste..
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This is a very nice poem. I've enjoyed it. I feel that the cliche worked for the poem... although you have a few who seem to disagree but whatever. The message was clear, I love that. It means I can comment on your poem sooner than later. lol
Nicely penned -
Well, this poem is maybe a tad bit cliché, but I like the message you have managed to radiate within those lines.
It will definately make the person you wrote it for think about it for a few moments.
Thank you for entering the contest, I wish you the best of luck!
Leander -
I'm not really a fan of rhyming poetry but within the genre this was nice. Actually, the line that struck me was the last one, this has poignancy that I didn't expect.I suspect that one will be stuck in my head for a while now
Good luck ! xxx -
It's amazing. I love it. I relate well to this write, seeing how in my past relationsips, I attempted to be someone I wasn't in order to get someone to like me. I realized, though, that in the end, I was outshined by their natural exhuberance, and I was brought out to be a fake. Sorry, I'm rambling. Either way, you are an amazing poet. Don't stop doing what you're best at. You really do inspire me. *adds you to favorites*
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you never stop to amaze me!
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i love the last stanza. love it.
great job. it's slightly cliche', but i think the wording is done well enough that it becomes something original.
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