What quiet albatross- the heart
when burdened as it may,
should fly in limpened skies of blue
until another day.
We’ll hearken heaven’s visual
while falling out of space,
accept God’s invitations
with risk of losing face.
Would then you reach behind you
and see the clouded sun,
or claim it light as if it were ...
and view how far you’ve come.
Author notes
Based on the scriptural promise of faith vision through Abraham ... "I have made you a father of many nations." He is our father in the sight of God, in whom he believed-- the God who gives life to the dead and calls things that are not as though they were." Romans 4:16
In a list
A contest entry
- SILL OF SILENCE - A competition with a difference by FransB.
1425 points, ended February 5, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - inspire me........how far have you come? by doesne1care.
465 points, ended October 7, 36 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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Beautiful
I think this poem says so much and I really like the last stanza. You deserve the Gold for this. Michele
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Love this, have read it over and over but always it asks me do I spread the word enough and when I do do I reflect enough to see the wonders done to myself since finding faith? A very reflective write this. Well written and with nice gentle rhyme form too. Well done!
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It takes great skill to hide significance in a simple form - this is easy to read, but it takes time to understand. This reminds me of the Magnificat, in which the humble are closer to God: "He hath put down the mighty from their seat and hath exalted the humble and meek." You handle the paradoxes very skilfully.
Good things come in small packages; I'm very pleased to see a gold trophy on this poem.
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Well chosen metaphors allow the mind to travel further in the scape of awareness that lies beyond the plane of words. We have words to make things work in this world, we have math and art to describe and please, but past the scope of corporeal means of expression and communication there is truth that words fail to describe. Congratulations on the win of the contest. This poetical reflection of innermost feelings deserved it. Take care,
Chris
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You title is striking, and 'blends' well into the content of this poem [and vice versa]. Using the image of the albatross - especially at the beginning of the poem sets the scene well, with many images that is associated with this bird. I truly enjoyed this. You present three stanzas with suchsensitive depth. Words such as: 'burdened'; 'limpened'; 'hearken'; 'falling'; 'risk'; 'claim', offer insightful understanding associated with the theme: endopathy. These give this poem character. While I enjoyed this poem, its final stanza reached my heart. The questions are thought-provoking and while you offer 'answers' at the same time, they do not place pressure on the one that must make a decision. To me this is part of endopathic guidance. Back to the poem, you have succeeded in providing an entry [and you were even willing to address changes] with three stanzas of which the content I describe as a 'soft touch to understanding'. Even if this poem had not been entered for this competition, it will be meaningful to those that read it. Once again, thak you for your entry. Frans
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So glad you enjoyed and I really like your interpration to this endopathic process
thank you, fellow poet!
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Celestial and Deep
Reference to the albatross seabird is clever in many respects. It can be alluded to Coleridge's "The Rime of the Ancient Mariner" and it also harmonized beautifully with the overall theme of this poem.
Your play on the word "light" indicated how well thought out this poem really is. It's inspiring and sweet. I love the softness of your tone and the power it elicits.
This was very beautiful!
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A deeply spiritual poem ...
textured in meaning and motion, with lovely interrelatedness in metaphor and sound. Brilliant expression of abstract thoughts, with seamless rhyming. Timeless poetry.
About the punctuation, the following suggestions:
* Either use punctuation throughout the poem, or not at all.
* Capitalization is important when using punctuation. I know Windows capitalizes every new line -- and so did some of the old masters -- but personally I prefer coherence between punctuation and capitalization.
* Personally I do not like the small dash between words (albatross-the, first line). Either use spaces before and after the dash, or use a semi-colon, or nothing at all.
Allow me to demonstrate these suggestions:
As If It Were
What quiet albatross - the heart
when burdened as it may,
should fly in limpened skies of blue
until the end of day.
We’ll hearken heaven’s visual
while falling out of space;
accept God’s invitations
with risk of losing face.
Would then you reach behind you
and see the clouded sun,
or claim it light, as if it were ...
and view how far you’ve come.
These are merely suggestions, Poetess: please use whatever you find appropriate.
Thank you for entering and good luck in this contest.
Myra
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Thank you for toiling so over this. I have made some changes you suggest with a variation in form to make
the original 'feel' I intended. Hope it appears better
without taking away the meaning.
However, I may change again seeing it on another day...lol.
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I love the separation ...
into stanzas. All I can add now, is that there is always a small letter after a comma, except if the following word is the name of a person or a place. Also: the ellipsis is THREE dots and ALWAYS three dots, never two, or more, in grammar. There is a space BEFORE an ellipsis, and if it is used in the middle of a sentence, there is a space following it as well, e.g.
It is easy to forgive ... when we are willing to.
It still remains such a beautiful poem. Thank you for your patience.
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Okay. Made some more changes in effect to your comment. Thank you, Myra.
The ellipses rule ... I never knew.
I think that's why I tried not to
use them often.
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You entry is appreciated. What wonderful thought to convey. Frans
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this is fantasic!!!
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thank you! I appreciate it
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Great, once again
Your poem has a great verbal and visual component. Verbally, like all your poems the meaning and implications are revealed a layer at a time. Like unwrapping a present! You have this uncanny ability to write things that seem like something new every time I read them. As if your poems open some inter dimensional rift and many words exist in one place at one time in parallel universes. OK, that may be a slight exaggeration, but I think you get the point.
Your poem also has a visual component. It is shaped like an hour glass . . . or more like a horizon point from which light rays shine out toward the reader. Like looking at sunset on the ocean and the sun is illuminating the sky and reflecting in the water.
Very well done.
The message too is profound. Light ahead with God's invitation and the clouded sun behind you. And how far we will have come in that time. But then, nothing is very far for God -- for God everything is here and now, present in all places at all times each as accessible to Him as any other.
You are so very in touch with your spiritual side and it shows in poems like this.
CaliOkie
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Wow, my fellow poet, You have a way with your comments. You bring out the 'revelation' in a way that I cannot. Maybe because it's the voice (yours) that needed to mirror a purpose akin to my intention. Thannnnnnnnnnnk you so much for such a pointing out of things. You 'get it'. That is how I prosper. Thank God for folks like you!
"Your poem also has a visual component. It is shaped like an hour glass . . . or more like a horizon point from which light rays shine out toward the reader."<------ this was a great review of the melding of senses required also for the contest!
I won't forget it. Merci! Warmly, CookieZeal/D
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A wonderful combination of image and rhythm, as ever, from you. Just wondering - 'would then you' - I kept reading it as 'would you then' - is that just me? Probably! An inspirational piece, short and sweet.
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I like your poem. It is very thought provoking for me...hearken heaven's visual...falling out of space...this seems like someone who is stumbling around trying to find their way. Seems like their senses are jumbled up particularly because you say, "hearken heaven's visual" listen to...visual? And "the clouded sun" makes me feel like the vision of truth is blocked. There is a hopeful tone in the last two lines in which the light is claimed and progress realized. Just me, thinking out loud.
The contest seems like an interesting one. Perhaps I'll enter if I get inspired to write something that fits! Keep writing. Well done.
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hmm... I loved the flow, its definitely fun to read! I just dont understand all of it. For instance, "Once Fallen out of space."
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Hi. Thank you for reading! I tried to briefly follow the contest steps. It was challenging to me, I must admit. It's a psychological kind of stair-stepping using a mix of senses to realization. Hope that helps a little and, I've since edited...thank you again.
Warmly, CookieZealF
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