Paper-bag smiles fill
Empty seats,
And forgotten trash
Keeps warm the men of winter.
--
He burns my lungs
With sulfur
That he fights to
Retain from the cold.
Bent feet, and
Mangled ribs feed the
Furnace of soft hands.
Stretches of time when
I can’t remember the feeling of
Rocks,
Make the world taste less like salt
And raw skin.
Closed away in snow caves,
While chemicals feed from
The mouth of a beast
Attached by stitches to
My lips,
I beg the sun
To forget my name.
--
The frostbite numbed the pain
Of my “Cinderella story”,
Carried into hell by
A kiss of frost,
While the fire melts
The glass
Around my feet—
Perfect.
In two hours,
I’ll be a memory,
Smelling faintly of pumpkin kings,
Concrete blocks
And the dust of old stars.
Author notes
Umm....idk. Like...the whole thing...a cinderella story....reminded me of the prompt.
Having to cross the coals...(cider first off)
...like having to suffer for happiness?
Which was partially the story of the princess.
Hehe.
Disney is my anti-drug.
Idk if you'll like it or whatever.
My name is Danielle, SN - flatline....could you tell me if I need to edit?
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round Two [Top 16] by Tangled Angle.
450 points, ended January 18, 2008, 12 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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This is a really interesting piece. Each break seems to change the whole feel of the piece. The first two stanzas are like an authors introduction, the middle the story and the end a narrator's commentary on the whole thing.
Oh it's wonderfully written but the chance in feel had me slightly confused.
But I agree with Heather; your wording was wonderful and the title tied in great.
Good luck. -
i dont know what to say other than bravo
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My sense is that it may be a bit long, especially in the middle section. The opening lines and the closing 2 or 3 stanzas are tight, compressed, well-shaped. in comparison, other lines seem a bit less focused, a bit more prosaic. It might help to work through it, challenging every word to be sure it works as hard as possible to support the poem and increase its momentum. There is a good deal here to work with. Well done in general.
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The content is really strong.
And I agree completely with what Heather said, she's right.
Overall, good job.
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So if I edit, you'll relook?
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Sure, I will.
I won't re-score you though, if that's what you mean.
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Love the phrasing - your wording is stunning and this piece is enthralling. My only iffyness is between the first few stanzas it feels like you have cut scenes where the flow needs to continue more.
But apart from that - the title and this piece works well together and an intriguing metaphor from the prompt.
D.I.D
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