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comfortably numb

closing the shades
to the windows of your soul
images of hurt don’t disappear

the raised bottle
touch your lips as you swallow
drowning sorrows in total eclipse

smoke rings linger
softly exhaling  your hurt
euphoric, as you’re comfortably numb

give me a chance
feel my caress on your skin
know that I’m here and you’re not alone

let me make you
comfortably numb together
I’ve come here to be your drug of choice

 

 

 

Author notes

This is a free verse poem but those of you that know me know that I have to complicate things. Do you see the structure? I’ll send 100 points to the first one that mentions it correctly in the comments.

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Comments

1 - 25 of 25

  • Blue Rew silver member
    January 24, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I note your syllable counts. In the first three stanzas, they remind me of a Haiku or Tanka with the five/seven starts. But the last line is nine.
    Then the last two stanzas go to 4/7 counts. Hmmm, it creates a pattern that pulls at the reader along with what is being depicted. I like the intimacy you present as much more than sex; sometimes it is a saving grace. Blue

    PS-should be touches in "touch your lips as you swallow"


    • Amera gold member
      January 24, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Well my free verse sucks that's why you won't find any in a contest. Funny you found this.


      • Faeryn
        January 24, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Amera, you do NOT suck at freeverse!


  • amaranthine lover gold member
    January 23, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    still a rad awesome piece dear sis

  • Cinnarry gold member
    January 19, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    sigh...I knew there had to be a catch. dang squishy, here I was all excited


    • Amera gold member
      January 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      humm... no bunnys? I'll send you a bunny fund.

      • Cinnarry gold member
        January 19, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        I already bunnied you in previous comment, it would not let me bunny you anymore. LOL@you! I'm not sending them back!


  • Kelli Marie
    January 18, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Sometimes it took the bottle, to get me to accept the caress of a man. How wonderful a write this is. Even flow, softly lit with tenderness. Beautifully written.
    Kelli


  • Desire gold member
    January 16, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Wow~~

    Wonderful piece You have penned~~
    and I kept seeing a 4-7-9 Syllable count...
    (in a chain)
    Wowzers...even with a free verse...
    You are structured
    You did it...You did it

    the raised bottle
    touch your lips as you swallow
    drowning sorrows in total eclipse

    Love this one

    Thank You for sharing Your Talent also Voice~
    Many blessings to You in all You do Sweet Soul
    Best wishes too
    and much love~ Desire~*~


  • Ithica silver member
    January 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Dang it!! I knew I should have read this right after you posted this morning, but I was too sleepy to read, so maybe I wouldn't have gotten it anyway? Oh well! But I think you should have entered it in the contest... It's a great poem!

  • Cinnarry gold member
    January 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    see elf? you can do it


  • Faeryn
    January 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    wow! this is amazing! you should do more freeverse, Amera. you amaze me.


  • PerVirtuous
    January 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply


  • BellaD
    January 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Wonderful!

    Of course, you are just as talented when writing free verse. Beautifully written.


  • StarEyes
    January 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    LOL, I saw it also, but I wasn't on before this...sa la vie.....hehe. And I still don't know why you keep saying you aren't good with free verse, because you are!! This is great!!! I love what this one says!!

    Keep them coming!!!!

    and love

    Nyetta


  • Perception
    January 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I liked this one, although it had some very dark scenes in there. I think it was well written, and well thoughout.

    Also, the title (PF) drew me just because it was a pink floyd song. Eh well. :-/

    Great job!


  • cricketjeff gold member
    January 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Really very good! Of course being you free verse isn't free and this flows very well. Since someone has undoubtedly gained your points I shan't put the structure. Now write it in rhyme and I'll give you 3 clappies AND send you the 100 points you gave away


  • januaryrain gold member
    January 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I too clicked this in the feature box because of the title... comfortably numb, great job, I love it


  • wingsofgold25 silver member
    January 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Well done

    This was a very well written piece to me would be a very difficult style to write. (free verse is realy nit my style) but I reconise a good job when I see it.
    I congratulate "rockerchkpoet" for being the first to reconize the structure. I agree with her you should have entered it in the Contest. A sure winner in my book.
    I was just browsing and saw the title decided to check it out. ( Glad I did )
    Best of luck


  • IT Refugee
    January 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I love how you captured the moment in images, and made me feel like I was there with you. Doing all that while keeping to the structure is amazing to me.


  • seraphim shock
    January 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow.
    I clicked this in the feature box because of the title... comfortably numb. It reminds me of Pink Floyd and the Wall....
    As I was reading this poem, it seemed to sound like the Wall did, desperate and tired and lonely, but at the end you made it so that you can be numb together, and that the loneliness can be lessened a bit. I loved that...

    I especially liked the part where you said :

    "smoke rings linger
    softly exhaling your hurt
    euphoric,"


  • luna-midnight gold member
    January 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    awww thi is a beautiful poem! amazing job, and love the way the title fits in with the poem =)
    everything is wonderful
    stephanie
    =)


  • And Hyetal
    January 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Your structure is a poem of 5 stanzas, each triplets. There is 4 syllables in the first line, 7 in the next, 9 in the last, each stanza.

    Yaay for the poem! You really should have entered the poem... This would have won it for sure.



    Always,
    Cassie

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