Slick-
she stood in all her glamor,
with a freshly powdered face.
Lips as red as ruby slippers,
and eyes that burned fierce,
lined with dark charcoal.
Short, springy curls,
chocolate and wild,
blew softly in the breeze,
as cigarette smoke
formed her halo.
She was a real Marilyn Monroe-
in the clothing of James Dean.
Sleek-
black vinyl kept her warm,
tight denim hugged her curves,
and stilettos, dark as the night sky,
cradled her delicate feet.
She stands in some old doorway,
just to keep out of the rain,
watching that cigarette smoke curl,
and waiting for someone
to come her way.
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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Descriptive
"Black vinyl kept her warm,
tight denim hugged her curves..."
A nice final cut to the descriptive element of this peice, I think you did a good job at creating an element and developing it into a final stationary piece that holds the readers attention at the end and makes them wonder: Where will this go? I hope you put this person to work in another work connected to this one, cause she seems a beauty. Good work. -
tight denim hugged her curves,
sounds sexy...well for me that is
and the overall read gives me the impression of someone offering *ehem* services..
hahaha...
cheeky write.. -
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Thanks so much! Glad you liked it- this is one of my own personal favorites.
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LEGEND!
Great work! I cant make any bad comment! There is nothing to say but WOW!
You were descriptive and creative! Well done
Keep it up talanted poet! -
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Thanks so much!
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Kickass!
This poem was kickass! It was very descriptive, and painted a very clear image in my mind. I like how it is sad without really telling why. Job well done with this excellent write!
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Thanks very much, Jeb. Always glad to see your positive comments.
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Brill!
Awesome - I love the real gritty tone and the slight dark atmosphere, gives the poem real substance
The description in the peice is also really good - very evocative and easy to understand/relate to.
Btw - one slight typo (line two - glamour)
Love the poem, and love your style!
Well done keep up the great writes
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Thanks so much!
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I liked the visual you painted with this , as well as that you left it opened to interpretation of whom or what she really was. You said enough for the reader to make an assumption, yet you never came out and actually said it....leaving it at that she could have been anyone [from a prostitute to just a rebellious young girl that was defying society with that "in your face" attitude. I am sure we all have run across someone like that. Unfortunately we do immediately make assumptions [and they are never favourable ones].
Enjoyed reading this and being led to thinking....
reenie
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Thank you so much for the fantastic comment. I'm so glad that you enjoyed the piece, and took it exactly as I intended.
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