Life Through My Eyes

Basically, I am me, Stuborn, Ignorant, Shy& Quiet at times, you need to talk all listen, as my friend found tonight, I often understand what your feeling more than you think I do. Chances are, I've felt that way sometime in my life. I always lend an ear no matter what may be going on in my life. I do get depressed and it can get bad sometimes. I am an Ex Cutter, I still have urges and always will. I have a distorted body image and distored eating. I believe that even if the truth may hurt, you need to face it, instead of living a lie. I also am guilty of loving so much, that as long as the person is happy, I'll find peace, even in the hardest of times. I am well you could say very loveable, I get along with mostly everyone ( when I want to of course). I'll admit something though, I can be a bitch. I also think very lowly of myself, whether it be a good thing or a bad thing. I have friends in my life but very few, that I would tell all this too. I may love them all equally but I do fear telling them things. Which reminds me, I am scared, of things that would hurt me, of uncertainty, basically, I've learned to protect my heart. Blocking many people out in the process. I want to let them in, but that fear plays apart. And, as a poet, I pen my thoughts, yet they seem so cylincal, that I try to keep them to myself. Thinking back now, I don't even know who I was a year ago. Swallowed up by depression, pain, suicidal thoughts, they still are present at times but, I can say that I've learned to cry, or at least if I punch myself it doesnt bruise. You'd say I'm very mature for my age, but I'd simply say that I've experienced pain early on. I can still remember crying on Christmas Eve just praying that Santa would take all my gifts away and give me friends instead. You can call me whatever you want, Emo, Bitch, Pyscho, Ostracized, I'm all and more. Another thing, I have health issues, if I dont pay attention, I could go blind, possibly die, I've been through 6 surguries, and none of them scared me. I wish I could say that nothing in life scares me, but I'd be lying and I dont like to lie. People seem to think I'd make a good pycologist and wonder where do I learn all these simple yet complicated life leasons. I learn through my experiences, though they may have been negative, it has helped make me a better person. I may seem wallflowery, typical girl but in truth, I'm not. I don't care how my hair looks, if I have makeup on, whether my outfit is in style, I'd rather embrace who I am instead of hiding, like I've done for too long. I can say, that tonight's the night I start to build a door into my wall. And let who I love in espically Dan, he's helped me come this far, and I know I have so much more to go. Because in life you're always learning, and though it may not seem like it I've learned so much about my self in the past few months. And yes, my heart was broken, but I've moved on and forgiven, because, how can you be truely forgiven if you cannot forgive yourself. But, its now 3am and I half lost my ability to stay up any later than 2 due to my IIH. I hope you enjoyed peeking into my soul and I wonder who actually will read this all.