||FROM THE MIND OF A MALE SERIAL KILLER||
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Walls of insanity have been shattered as
the prancing screams reverbrate through my psyche.
The need for flesh drips through the floorboards
of madness, sending shivers of pleasure down my spine.
Lullabies swoon through fictitious lies, blade bared
as the warm blood flows through the jugular of temptation.
In my virtual reality, my gleaming scalpel slices
through delicate strands of deslusion;
seeking out the weak to disembowel erratic impurity.
I hungirly lick my lips as the seering pain leads to LUST,
the mesmerizing atmosphere decked in a visceral holocaust.
I press blood-stained lips to her throat,
feeling the arteries pound in hysteric rhythm.
Such a helpless little lamb......bound and gagged
before her god.....a chilling smile stitched across my face.
My excitement grows as sweat drips from an angels
corpse; pleading for life in the jaws of death!!
Her neck is warm, soft, tender yet vulnerable
to the violent entity within myself.
"The tasteful melody of her frantic screams...
that hopeless look in her eye's.....
the electric tremors of her porcelain skin at my touch...
:: d e l e c t a b l e::
You will never understand how much hearing
their feeble cries of pain gets me off.....
feeling their warm, pulsing organs molest my senses,
lust as hollow as my heartless soul"
My eye's greedily skin my preys convulsing carcass
with an infernal, ravaged touch; tasting sweet terror.
Her ruby lips drip blood, wired shut and torn
yet her pain seeps between the blackened cracks.
Duct tape crossed her eye's, sooo beautiful...
but i tore them off, slicing away her eye-lids--
i couldn't let my broken doll miss the hatred in my stare.
Like the previous victims,
the sorrowful voices intersect my lunacy:
Screaming.....
gagging......
choking.....
d
r
i
p
p
i
n
g
beads of blood on sensitive nerves.
A spell-binding
desparation lies soaked in the intestines of fate,
oh how i revel in my little lambs pleas to live!
Symphonies of pain fracture my crystal glass
dimension as my victim lies at my feet in hysteria.
Shards of glass glow in the light of hatred, her
throat slit in a hazy premonition of immortality.
The walls of my shimmering, icy chamber are slashed by the
pumping of crimson affliction, zig-zagged in thick retribution.
Urination invades my senses as fear mounts
in twisted exhileration,
her soft, tender flesh melting from bone as i devour her life.
Strings of visceral hang from my jaws, a hunger urge
growling to be sated in a cannibalistic twist of vengeance.
The stench of glimmering horror invade my nostrils,
my deadly stare piercing deep into mortally terrified eye's.
The chilling howls of hallucination were snuffed
by the animalistic brutality of a schizophrenic state.
I feel my sanity slipping away into the darkest depths of
mentality; a scalpel grinning in sadomasochistic pleasure.
I shiver in esctacy as i gut the disease ridden corpse and
reach a sporadic, brutal climax; merging reality with fantasy.
I lick the festering flesh, feeling the elasticity of anguish
between gnashing, filed fangs; hating myself for what I've become.
Cobalt stallions prance through my prismatic brain,
where everything is peaceful and unnattached from violence.
A celestial universe hovers above rivers of glittered blood,
soaring upon the tortured cries of vile butchery.
My eye's grow blank and void of existance, medicated and
set at ease from the morticians shiny blade.
Another victim has been claimed and swings from
life's hook, bled dry of all it's gory essence.
I bathe myself within the opened cadaver,
ribs encasing my body, intestines at my feet.
Duct tape crosses her eye's in shadowed "X's",
lips pulled back by razor hooks to reveal gums and teeth.
The mocking grin completes my dolly, such a pretty toy,
her nerves severed, barbed wire twisting in rotting flesh.
Life fades in the blink of an eye, emotions
laid to rest yet gliding beneath the surface.
I shudder in extreme pain and regret,
slipping back into my protective illusion.
Now off into the night i slink,
reality converging fantasy,
riding through a fabricated purgatory.
Never shall they catch me
though at night, sometimes, i wish they would......
Author notes
Eots: I don't really know what options this would land under, but i'm going to go with: describe a murder scene. All of my writes, for the most part, are about a made up serial killer that i created, but the majority of them are sex murders (in other words, they are brutally gruesome, but the killer normally rapes teh victim before taking her life). This was one of the few that didn't include erotica
Author Name: Synthetic-Nightmare
14) Another dark option: write about vampires, or the supernatural, or something just plain gruesome. (i chose gruesome)
dark/schizophrenic
||Synthetic-Nightmare|| (my name on here)
OPTION: through the eye's of a serial killer
Cerebral Assassin: I entered this piece into your dreams contest because this is images i've seen in my sleep since i was really, really young. I frequently have constant dreams where someone dies from murder (normally brutal such as knife slayings ::throat slittings/guttings) . Is there a lesson learned??
Honestly......i can't say i've learned much of anything except i'm one hell of a fucked up individual. Haha.....but they also serve as inspiration to POETRY!!!!!! ^_^
In a list
A contest entry
- Something real by hey charlie.
300 points, ended January 31, 2008, 35 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Every Night Is A Lesson by Acidanthra.
550 points, ended January 15, 2008, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Scare The Shit Out of Me by Shikamaru-Nara.
450 points, ended January 19, 2008, 4 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Blood And Guts by CherryOnTop.
1200 points, ended January 20, 2008, 23 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark~Like~Me by Dak.
550 points, ended January 24, 2008, 44 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Horror, Dark, and pain filled by Stormy Days.
450 points, ended January 29, 2008, 21 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - illusions of death....options ....options..and more options by completely mad.
600 points, ended February 20, 2008, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I Want Gore, Erotica, Laughter, Love, Anything Great by So Strange.
720 points, ended May 16, 2008, 54 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Mind is a hurricane. by DestiniesTwined.
450 points, ended February 28, 2008, 31 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Metaphoric Madness....Round 2 by The Squeeze.
340 points, ended March 10, 2008, 10 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Sweeney Todd - The Demon Poet of Fleet Street (Contest) by iamlost.
1050 points, ended April 15, 2008, 7 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Demented Minds Arrive by Eots.
6000 points, ended February 5, 41 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - infectious.insanity. by Loki.
850 points, ended January 17, 34 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - making you scream by snakeprincess742.
400 points, ended February 12, 23 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 63 of 63
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First, to get it out of the way, here are some mispelled words in the piece:
reverbrate in line 6 should be reverberate
deslusion in line 12 should be delusion
hungirly in line 14 should be hungrily
seering in line 14 should be searing
desparation in line 54 should be desperation
exhileration in line 63 should be exhilaration
esctacy in line 73 should be ecstasy
unnattached in line 78 should be unattached
existance in line 81 should be existence
Alright now that that is over, what I think of the piece:
I am no stranger to gore, nor violence, if I haven't witnessed it first hand, I've lived it through my poetry. So where this has frightened readers and exhilarated readers, it merely leaves with a blank spot in my mind. Don't get me wrong, the poem is good. I like your word choices and usage. The idea is good, and under the right circumstances it could be great, but there are some things that could have gone better. I don't bring them up with the hope that you will change this piece, but merely to give you some insight into your readers mind for the next time you write a poem like this.
It's too long. I understand the want to drag it out and make the taste last, but this is not where you want to do that. You could have easily had three separate poems here. When someone reads a poem, it's a lot like having sex. You should have foreplay, a climax (or 6), and a transition down at the end. This started at climax and stayed there straight to line 91. Try giving it some peaks and valleys, bring the reader back down and then take them back up. That's the best way to keep a reader through a long piece.
Too many misspellings. Any serious reader, who would actually appreciate the art behind this work, is going to trip all over the misspelled words. I would suggest looking into Mozilla Firefox for it has a built in spell checker. Just Google it and you'll find it.
Word variety. The word "Blood" appears 5 times in the piece. "Flesh" appears 4 times. And there are a few others that are repeated a number of times. Try Thesaurus.com to give some more variety to the piece.
There are some starting pointers that I hope you take in a kind light. Believe me, I wouldn't spend this much time commenting on a piece if I didn't feel that the author had potential.
I would like to give you a challenge though. I want you to write me a poem using metaphor. Write about a flower being picked, but with the underlying tone of a rape or murder. Look up the parts of a flower and figure out what they relate to on a human. The rest should be a cake walk for you. If you happen to write it before this contest closes, you can enter it here if you like. If not, would you be so kind as to send me a link to it.
Thank you for entering and I wish you the best of luck.
-Loki
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I love this!! It's such beautiful work, and I definitely imagine a serial killer as the speaker, quite vividly in fact. Excellent write!
∞ Anneliese ∞
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Very nice... you are pulling me into this deeply. Dammit... I hope I can just keep it figurative.
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LOL
If i have drawn you in and entranced your mind with this piece, than i have DONE MY JOB!!!
*grins evilly*
lol, figurative? LMAO, has it given you any ideas?
thanks much for your comment hun,
*hugs*
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-claps-quite beautiful my dear quite beautiful such talent in hell i love this the words draw me deep into it i can see it wall like art no so much more like blood covered my body truly beautiful
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Very creepy and chilling...It has a style and intensity that I've only seen a few times. My only thing is that it's longer then what I called for, but it is good. And I will take that into consideration when I judge the contest. I didn't see a problem with punctuation; however I hardly use punctuation because honestly I never know where it goes.
But over all it is a good write and I liked the use of metaphor. THank you for entering. Best of luck. -
OOHh- so happy that I came upon your site! This poem is freakin' amazing! It is terrific, just wow..
I am speechless...(always a great thing!)Great job
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Ugh, atrocious.
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haha
one more thing, i apologize if i come off sounding rude.....but you don't really make a good critic. I believe in constructive criticism and you just plain suck at that! ^_^
Instead of just saying it sucks,
you should give me a few good pointers/tips on how to make it better WITHOUT being a fuckin asshole.
If you can politely do that, i will be strongly impressed. Once again, i'm not trying to be a bitch, i just want that to be for future reference. It's a way to get in your own input and actually have it listened to, who knows!
Maybe you might ACTUALLY help someone -
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Firstly, let's make clear that I don't care what you think of me at all.
Secondly, you can start making this, ahem, "poem" better by fixing the spelling mistakes and overuse of elipses. You can also stop abusing apostrophes and colons (sorry, ":: d e l e c t a b l e::" just doesn't cut it).
Lastly, I don't care whether I impress you or not. I read through this and wanted to kill myself because it wouldn't end; not because it was dark, but because it kept going on and on and on and on. -
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ah!
there we go!!!! MUCH MUCH BETTER!
and for your information,
you have now impressed me!
That was what i was looking for.
Thankyou sooooo much for clarifying that!
When i get the chance, i'll go back through and edit this, fixing the mistakes.
And i honestly don't think you are a bad person, i just wanted to make it clear that i have aspirations of becoming a better writer and your original comment didn't help me,
but THE ONE I'M RESPONDING TO IS MUCH, MUCH BETTER!
thanks a bunch
*hugs*
take care
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LOL
ok.....
anything i could fix or add to it to make it better???? ^_^
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Twisted and delicious once again. I like how dark and intense it is, and how you use poetic devices to bring the story through.
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Thrilling.
I fully enjoyed this. I couldn't find a part I DIDN'T like. Yeah, a bit twisted it may be, but it's fucking amazing. <3 I LOVE the beginning two stanzas or so. The comparison is amazing.
VERY excellent job; don't let anyone tell you different.
:]
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thankyou so much for your comment!!! I'm glad you liked it, this was an extremely fun write, lol. I'll give you points for your comment once my computer stops fuckin up on me! ^_^
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Thanks for entering my contest. Great work on the poem. It's very good.
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your very welcome,
thanks for taking the time to comment! ^_^
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Woooahh. I love it
You have a wonderful way with words, like
"slices
through delicate strands of deslusion;"
It's really beautiful, despite the harshness of the topic. You are a very talented writer, thanks for entering! -
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HEY!
Thanks so much for your comment on my poem
i would have responded sooner,
but i've been busy,
haha.....
personally,
i don't consider myself talented at all!!
^_^
Just emotional, haha
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i love the imagery
it makes the killing seem beautiful as well
as vicious
and twards the end where the killer is
fighting with their own mind it makes me
think about the events that lead the killer to
hate themself but know they cant be stopped -
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WOw,
thanks!
This was supposed to be a deep write as well as disturbingly eerie! ^_^
Hopefully that goal was met! -
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yes i think you got that pretty good
-jessi -
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LOL
Well, thanks! ^_^ -
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no probz
-jessi
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Great
This poem is truly a work of art. So much sadness in the eyes of the victim and monster.
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^_^
Hey thanks.....
i felt truly inspired to write this piece by many different places (the band Velvet Acid Christ actually influenced me as well). Glad you liked it
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wow....this was revulting...very great imagery here...you have a way with words i must say...
I really like this part "The need for flesh drips through the floorboards
of madness"....thank you for entering my contest..
completely mad -
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YAY!
Thanks so much for the comment.....
and reading
i love writing poetry that expresses emotions of the killer AS WELL AS the act of violence and morbidity itself.
Thanks again
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funny poem make satan laugh.
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lmao
WOW! I JUST STUMBLED UPON THIS COMMENT! That's aweseome
i'd say he should be bowing at my feet but i don't have a violent bone in my damn body, lmao
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it bothered me! congrats! lol.
the length was hard on my short attention span. i'm not sure what kind of weight this would carry if u made it shorter, though. -
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YAY! Well......
guess it's a definite good thing it bothered you
haha
thanks for the comment
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Great horror detail !!!
wow you really are good with description in horror! This is where it all lies. One can write any horror piece but to word it the way you did, the fear and mentality were perfect! As if one were looking thru the eyes of a real sadistic killer! Bloody DELICIOUS! The more blood the more applauses ! lol Good job
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YAY!!!!!!
THANKS!!!!!
I'm not that good at poetry or writing....
but i still have fun with it.
I love reading these types of writes
(murderous ones only i LOVE reading from the POV of the killer.....it's more chilling and eery that way).
Thanks again for your comment
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Grand imagery love this write only thing is the contest calls for 10 lines only
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LOL
OOPS! ^_^
Sorry about that, i'm normally pretty good at reading the rules of contests....
well, i took it out since it doesn't bide by the rules. Sorry!
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I aree with Dak reposting your poem would not be a good idea cuz this is amazing chilling it sent shivers running down my spin
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YAY!!!
THEN IT HAD THE DESIRED AFFECT!!!! Or is it spelled "effect?" Bahh......doesn't matter, thanks for your comment!! ^_^
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Very impressive. I would normally paste some of my favorite lines into a comment, but I don't think reposting your poem would be a good idea. The word choice is amazing, the devices are brillantly done, and this is exactly the kind of twisted morbid write I was looking for. Thank you for entering this into my contest.
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LMAO, thanks sooo much!!!! I'm really glad you enjoyed it AND THANKS FOR THE SILVER!! ^_^
Haha, i really, REALLY enjoyed writing this. lol.
I'm not talented though, just emotional
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Great take on the theme and good luck in my contest.
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thanks for your comment!
I meant to reply to this sooner but i haven't really had much of a chance. Thanks for reading
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Oh! this is a prewrite many times over, sorry, is this a prewrite comp?
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haha, thanks for your comment.
does "comp" stand for complete??
lol
cause if it does....YEP! I'm still working on it and fixing it up though
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Holy Fuck. No pun intended.
This is exactly what I'm looking for.
Preliminary Finalist! -
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YAY!!!! THANKS!
AND....OMG.....YOUR NAME ON HERE....
DAS ICH IS AN AMAZING INDUSTRIAL/ELECTRO BAND!
Awww fuck, kudos on THAT!!!
Unfortunately, my piece doesn't even come CLOSE to being as chilling as the piece that won gold on your last contest
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Nicely prompted - very intriguing write and intriguing authors notes. Your phrasing is exquisite.
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LOL. Thanks! ^_^
I hope you reached your limit for the contest!!!!!!!!! ^_^
And hope i didn't disturb you to much. BTW!
OMG I LOVE YOUR LITTLE ICON!!!!!
CUTE!
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Nope, you don't have to worry about offending me, that's supposed to be the idea. It's hard to do, so when it happens it's a lot of fun. I just guess I get scared by different things than the average human being. Very psychotic and deprived.
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lmao
WELL......that's good to know. This write isn't really that scary i don't think but it's insightful in terms of how a killer thinks.
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Yes, yes, yes, I love the blood and guts and the taste of human flesh. This is a great poem. I love death!
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HJAHAHA, I LOVE IT TOOO!!!!!!
Actually, it deeply fascinates me.....
and it would be awesome to die this way
^_^
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My my.. You certainly are good at what you do! Beautifully written, very visual. I love these lines!
I press blood-stained lips to her throat, feeling the arteries pound in hysteric rhythm.
This reminds me, in a very weird out of context way, of Edgar Allen Poe. Maybe not the style or words, but the ideas behind the content! Once again you have probably grossed an indivisual out, or offended a sheltered youth... :) BRAVA! -
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LMAO
HAHA, i've probably offended QUITE a few people who have read these type of writes. Oddly enough, they've never confronted me about it yet. haha......probably didn't feel like wasting their breath ^_^
Thanks so much for your comment, and personally i don't feel like i'm that good at it......just have a wierd mind i guess
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Loved it
It scared me at first, but as I got deeper into the poem, I felt as if I almost became the killer. Great write. Thanks for entering my contest. -
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your very welcome and THANKS MUCH FOR HOSTING IT!!!!! ^_^
I'm not a very great writer but if it scared you at first then it had the semi-desired affect. This is NOT something i'm glorifying but the mind of a killer is an ILLNESS which i'm trying to describe.
I think it's absolutely appalling and horrifying that another person could take the life of someone else......but i'm also drawn into what DRIVES a person to committ these unspeakable acts...
thanks again for the comment
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HOLY SHIIIIT...
I've just found this one!!! WICKEDNESS AT IT'S BEST.
You have capture the essence of the psychopaths thoughts...and the methods of "KILLING ARE BRILLIANT"
Great stuff once again... And there I was, looking forward to reading your fluffy bunny entry...HEHEHE
Good luck in the contests,
All the best,
~T.S~
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LMFAO
HAHAHAHA, i was DEFINITELY in a dark mood when i wrote this one. It was sort of how i was feeling at the time i wrote it and i just took dark emotions and made another serial killer poem!!!!!!! This is also stuff i actually see at night in dreams and what-not. It's fucked up but....
makes for good poetry!!!!!!! *EVIL GRIN*
LOLOLOL
AWWWWW, no fluffy bunnies in this one. SORRY TO DISSAPPOINT YA!!!!!!!!
Thanks so much for your comment, means A LOT coming from YOU
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Ok I shall remove my poem now....lol. It pales in the glow of this...Wowzer...awesome write! I love the extra depth you've given this, it adds to the chill factor
A fabtastic piece...god I wish I could write like this!!! Best of luck in the contest with it hun
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OMG, YOU WISH YOU COULD WRITE LIKE THIS??
YOU FLIPPIN' KIDDING ME??!!!
YOU'RE STUFF IS FUCKIN AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'M A HUGE FAN of you're writing, you have sooooo much friggen talent, it's UNBELIEVABLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Most of your writing leaves me in MAJOR AWE....I MEAN, you put so much though, detail and time and STILL the poems are short yet chillingly gripping.
You've got the art of madness down and perfected ^_^
It's YOU who's got the major uber amounts of talent!!!!!!!! haha
thanks again for your comment -
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Coming from you that means a great deal Tho' I wouldn't go as far as to say I put a lot of time into them..lol They really do just pop into my head..in the words of my lad 'I'm a twisted, demented fucker'..lol But its FUN!!!
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wow, that was very impressive, it was like a mix of a horror fantasy and personal reality, you have a gift for the twisted area of writing
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lol, thanks much for your comment! ^_^
i don't really considerate myself talented since i can ONLY WRITE when i'm in a certain mood. I wish like mad i was talented enough to write on cue and have it come out good. But meh.....
anyway, thanks again!
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