Spiralling fingers steer life's pedestal
as brooding lies smear our deceitful identity,
sinner's hands soaked in blackness
as the birch that lies crooked,
under the wings of vitality's storm.
Life flashes in the instant of a moment,
that decision of marked conscious,
when inner desires come to light
as voracious lust imparts a careless wound,
that opens and closes
when faced with fear.
Humanity's needs break under pressure,
and the fiery truth, is sodden cold,
one's life and choices, are never his own
but needled through fate's actions.
Yet even so: we need to force our own soul.
A contest entry
- Quickie: Control by Laura-Critchley.
450 points, ended January 12, 2008, 6 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Criticism Is Very Much Welcomed -- I Am Here To Learn
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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This is very nice- i like your spacing very much with the "that opens and closes when faced with fear"- that really pops out at the reader..
i do think this piece is much too heavy with adjectives
with a total of 6 in the first stanza alone.
i notice you are open to criticism which is the only reason i point it out.. i think a good pair of sharp sheers would tighten this poem up.
nicely done- congrats on gold
m
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Stunningly deep and meaningful. Wow, what do they feed you there in Pakistan. I love this... wonderful spiritual and universal!!
~ Nicolette
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This is a great write. Congrats on the gold.
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Very lucky timing as I was just about to judge...
But, after seeing that I'm very inclined to leave it till I get the full 10. -
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Oops! Lol, sorry! If you choose to cvlose it, first just edit it and close the date, then judge so that anybody who ssees it knows its closed. Sorry if it was troubling..
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Oh, no, no it's quite ok =)
I was just considering closing it and when I came to the contest page I saw a new entry!
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