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Lesson Learned

Stuffing my backpack with new years goals,

and yesterday's tools.

My shoulders are weary not eager to carry more.

 

Blaming the size of the pack, I open it up,

seeking a simple reorganizational task.

Much to my surprise, screams and pleads

awaken my demise!

 

Projects and people, duct tape around their

mouths. Regrets, lessons, grudges, advice,

and offenses. 

Weary looking people I am not willing to acknowledge

or dare I admit, forgive. Shouting priorities please!

Let us out of here!

 

Slamming the flap shut, I wonder how in the world

did this mess occur? I am "in control" the

self appointed manager of "goals."

 

Kicking it over with just a tap of my foot. Out

they all came, grumbling with mournings of relief.

The look on their faces reflected mine, confounded and confused.

That day, I lost over 800 pounds! I didn't put one

step inside the gym, and ate cake before bedtime!

Slept like a baby wrapped in fur. 

 

What was the lesson learned?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

Contest: What was the lesson learned?
and
what part of control had me wait a whole year to unload
that damn backpack!

A contest entry

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • Recluse Writer gold member
    February 1, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You have me mentally checking my backpack sizes...dang I gave the biggest one away when I recently moved. It may have come in handy after all
    Well penned but I do agree with Trista in ALL she says in comment. Please take head and turn this into a far better write than it already is!
    800lbs must have been a few in that backpack
    Thanks for directing me here
    Be well and be Happy...rest your shoulders dear poet!
    Linda


  • trista gold member
    January 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is one of the most creative themes I’ve seen in quite a while. It’s so easy to picture everything you’ve written, and it’s easy to relate to. I think I could stand to learn this lesson myself!

    Bear has given a very thorough critique, so there are just a couple other things I want to mention. In L1: “New Year’s goals” I think should be capped and with the apostrophe added. In L6, “pleads” is acting as a noun, when it’s actually a verb...so maybe consider “pleas” or something on that order instead. In lines 12 and 13, “please!/ Let us out of here!” This sounds like a direct quote, so I’d suggest using quotation marks around it. And finally, the last word in a line gets more emphasis, so be careful ending with words like “the”. (L15) I think it interrupts the flow as well...

    Outside of those few touchups, I think this is a wonderful entry. The message has a lot of impact, and done in a very creative way. High marks for imagery, theme, and lasting impression. Just a little work on the flow and grammar, and I think this would be an even more sensational write than it is.

    Thanks so much for the entry, and good luck.
    Best wishes,
    ~J.


  • Arkbear gold member
    January 14, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Welcome back!

    Comma after *weary*

     

    Slow the Reader down so we can absorb all of your dramatic lines ~

     

    :)

     

    *reorganizational*.....this word interrupts the flow ~

     

    *Weary* is an uncommon word, and should never be used twice....time to break out your thesaurus!

     

    :)

     

    *self-appointed*?

     

    *(put) one step*??...place* maybe?

     

    I enjoyed this entry a lot.....but there are some flaws which need a bit of editing to make this write shine ~

     

    This Theme is so creative, and I applaud you for bringing it forth in the POW this week ~

    Imagery is spot-on....loved it....but remember to keep your writes in Poetic verse, and not Free write....as it can easily become a Short Story which is not allowed ~

    No editing now that a Judge has touched your work ~

     

    As far as ending with a question......this is something which can only be done with talent.....and you have done well ~

     

    You did forget to place the PO' in your AN...but you have half of it, so I won't deduct anything this time :)

     

    Very nice job Poet....good luck to you and your entry,

     

    Bear ~

     

    Title   9.75

    Flow   9.8

    Depth   9.95

    Theme   10

    Feelings   9.7

    Grammar   9.4

    Presentation 9.4

    Uncommonness  10

    Sit & Ponder Affect  9.8

    Ability to follow Rules  10

    Bears Score: 97.8

    Very cool score!

    :)


  • islekine gold member
    January 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    I did the same thing this year...

    Funny how long it takes to get rid of some of it!
    Best wishes in the contest!
    Write on!
    *PEACE*


  • cutiepie gold member
    January 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Now don't you feel better Good luck in the contest


  • Poetic Tasha Moderators member
    January 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    ha that was great!
    loved the concept....i unloaded about 185 pounds this year heheheh and i never been happier!

    Tasha


  • LadyDementia gold member
    January 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Hehe a great piece. I wish you the best of luck with it in the contest


  • SilverButterfly gold member
    January 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    girl you keep crackin' me up with these writes!!!
    I absolutely love your humor

    that backpack sure took a beatin' huh?

    I didn't know you could stuff that much stuff in a backpack!! I want one of those..where you buy it?




    GBY
    SilverButterfly
    (Mary)


  • SilencefillsMySoul
    January 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    very cool. Thank you for this.


  • Arizona Sunset
    January 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    need help kickin it? loved this take on the prompt best to you in the contest ~blessings always~ Trisha


  • a.changed-soul.
    January 11, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    awesome very interesting, read every word ( wow surpised to hear that ) of it... very good drop, stuffed with emotional I see, ready to let it free? : ) awesome job, I'm going to be the judge here for a moment...Ears2hearyou, you did an excellent job, you win the contest xD lol You wish I was the judge xD Awesome job!

    ~Nikki~


  • Soulful Woman silver member
    January 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This was very good for the prompt. The feeling of complete freedom is awesome..
    Great job. Good luck in the contest.
    Soulful Woman


  • AddictiveTRUTH
    January 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    This is a wonderful entry

    best of luck in the contest I love this entry, think you did well with the prompt.

    ephiphany♥

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