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Heart Stopper

The rumor is that when you first meet,
that your heart may skip a beat.
Sadly such rumors are slightly misleading,
for when I met her, my heart stopped beating.
Meaning when you’re in search for a loving wife,
just know that your meeting could mean the end of your life.
So while on this quest for something greater,
be sure to bring a defibrillator.
For when your soul mate stops your heart,
in the name of love, help it restart.
When you find she who is better than any,
know that your heart may skip a beat too many.

Author notes

PO' Contest
My theme is taking a common line (such as "when you first meet the love of your life, your heart skips a beat") and expanding it even further to take it from serious love to humor.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • trista gold member
    January 14, 2008

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    This is quite enjoyable to read, and definitely gave me a smile. Love is written about soooo often; it’s hard to find a different perspective to write from, so I think you’ve done well in that regard.

    The unfortunate thing is that there’s not as much emotional depth to the write, and it’s missing imagery, which I believe to be an important part of almost any poem. Even though it might take this further into “story” verse, I’d have loved to read more about your own experience in finding love and how your wife stopped your heart. Remember...the more concrete examples you give, the better your reader will be able to relate.

    I think Bear covered the grammatical aspects of the poem well already, so I won’t repeat all that. As to flow, between the word choice and the couple of lines that are noticeably shorter in syllable count, a little tweaking would be helpful IMO.

    I’ll let my score speak the rest...

    Thanks so much for your lighthearted entry, and good luck to you. I hope you’ll consider joining us again in future PO contests.

    Best wishes,
    ~J.


  • Arkbear gold member
    January 14, 2008

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    Welcome to the POW ~

    Try to watch out for the word *that* ~

     

    Comma after *sadly* ~

     

    *for when I met her*....*For when your soulmate*....*when you find she who*....this is a common area of penning which needs a touch-up of grammatical help ~

     

    I liked your Theme...but your word choices have hendered the Flow IMO ~

     

    I think this entry could use a bit more depth and the Imagery is lacking....but not a bad write :)

    Also...watch out for lonnnng lines, as it makes it more of a story, than a Poetic verse ~

     

    Good luck to you and no editing now that a Judge has touched your work,

     

    Bear ~

    Title   9.8

    Flow   9.15

    Depth   8.45

    Theme   10

    Feelings   9.55

    Grammar   7.75

    Presentation 9.4

    Uncommonness  10

    Sit & Ponder Affect  9.2

    Ability to follow Rules  10

    Bears Score: 93.3

    Nice job, and thanks for joining us in the PO' contests,

    Bear ~

     

     


  • islekine gold member
    January 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    This is funny...

    This seems to be an upbeat, amusing week...
    Best wishes in the contest...don't forget theme!
    *PEACE*


  • cutiepie gold member
    January 12, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    This was cleverly written Good luck in the contest
    P.S. You might want to get rid of the capitals at the beginning of each line


  • LadyDementia gold member
    January 12, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I love this, had me howling! Great piece, not read anything like it before. Best of luck in the contest...add your theme to your AN tho'

1 - 5 of 5