and this is how we feed our thought-bubble
trapped under the surface of an animal
scratching at windows in sunken car frames
didn’t you remember this song from the wedding?
so some princess in high heels comes in at midnight to kiss and tell
with her born-again smile and her born-again hell
across my sheets and over my bed
with her mother’s eyes and my heart still in her hands
the man in the yellow says, ‘I’ve seen better.’
and the man in gray says, ‘it won’t be.’
and the woman with the knife is getting even closer
and I’m not sure I remember how to lung-breathe
the girl in the black says sorry; again and again
and I’m not exactly sure who I am
the boy in the backseat says, ‘you’re doing just fine’
and the car crash victim lives a car crash life
I recognize my lover in a white dress
but she will not recognize my protests
and she can’t seem to see my hands above my head
or the fact that I am only half dead
Author notes
This poem was written from the perspective of a person in a coma; in case you couldn't tell.
A contest entry
- BE A VOICE FOR THE VOICELESS. by flaed.
1000 points, ended January 22, 2008, 22 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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There we go. I always pay people back.
I liked this, but I didn't want to like it. Like drinking straight vodka.
And the bright blue has messed up the white walls of this room. I don't really care, though.
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excellent
Personally I believe this is a very powerful and insightful poem. If I hadn't read the comment at the bottom of the poem I don't know if I would've known whether you were talking about ghosts or a person in a coma, but I believe that is what makes me drawn to it. It leaves me suspended from beginning to end, gets a person wondering.
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Thank you, genderideals for your comments. I prefer the criticism so I can improve my work. I get what you are saying, and I will try hard to improve for the next poem. It wasn't intended to be a rhyming poem, just a poem about the world, but I can see that it definitely needs a lot of work. If I had focused on one part of the poem, and added more than just a one girl view, and a lot of other things my work would've been much better. I appreciate the advice, and I much prefer this type of honesty to help me improve for the next poem. I will use this advice, and thank you a bunch. : )
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You're welcome and thanks for the applause on this poem.
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I love it. Creative, well-written, and great imagery too. A very enjoyable read...
~QoA
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i like it. this is a new topic. thank you
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