Once,
when cotton tongue clung
to mouth's roof in need of shade's refreshing,
but desert's dry meandering miles
had crumbled hope for cool--
until it fell
like tumbling weed
dipping within the hills
of soul's sandy expanse,
leaving behind broken bits of branch--
A vision flashed!
A seeming apparition passed
before eyes afraid--
the touch of rippling wind,
dimpling a stream above a single stone--
recorded fast,
in form of lasting word
upon a parchment fading.
But do I trust that visage sweet,
that similitude of salve
for which the heaving soul most longs?
Or do I doubt, and doubt again,
knowing of the heart's deceit,
and fearing that aged emptiness
made way for clouded viewing?
Author notes
PROMPT: An African proverb-- "Return to old watering holes for more water, friends and dreams are there to meet you."
In a list
A contest entry
- PIF African Proverbs by Cannonsfire.
550 points, ended January 11, 2008, 9 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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I'm definitely feeling your rhythm! How have you managed to condense such a complex, image-laden piece in less than 20 lines? I agree with the previous reviewers... this piece certainly has a vivid sensory appeal- especially in respects to sight, taste and touch. A few of my personal favorite lines include: "desert's dry meandering miles", "souls sandy expanse" and "dimpling a stream above a single stone".
Another observation I noted was your subtle use of alliteration which enhanced the literary richness of the piece.
Also, the question sign is damn GENIUS! Was the use of the question mark a deliberate attempt to emphasize the mystique of the mirage!!!!?
I love this piece... I really do!
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incredible piece you've composed here...
especially this stanza...
A vision flashed!
A seeming apparition passed
before eyes afraid--
the touch of rippling wind,
dimpling a stream above a single stone--
recorded fast,
in form of lasting word
upon a parchment fading.
the imagery you've placed here, puts pictures in my mind's eye...
keep on penning
mike, aka jonathan wikkins -
Love this so much! It ebbs and flows as seamlessly as the tides in the ocean! Smooth and free! Bravo!
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Neat
I like the usage of metaphore in this poem alot. I can sotr of relate to this.
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What vivid imagery to this one. I read the first stanza and literally felt myself getting cotton mouth
A great piece you've done here : D
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Wow............!
You show again what you have had and have never lost - a gift for verse.
This is absolutely wonderful. Your talen shines. Emotional, beautiful, thoughtful. You play the English language like a harp in soulful strains - now plucking pensive melodies - now strumming resounding chords major, minor, augmented, or dissonant with masterful strokes.
I love every line of this one, every word, every syllable. Fantastic writing!
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Thanks so much for your kind and quite generous praise. As always, it is very encouraging.
I'm so glad that you enjoyed this one.
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this is so full of grasping needs, of illusions and possibilities, of urgency.
My favorite play of senses:
"in form of lasting word
upon a parchment fading."
As if even the recording of such an event is intangible.very creative box stomping :)
Ken
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A sense of longing. A sense of need. would I return or should I not ...
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That's a wonderful quote you had to work with and you intepreted it so very creatively, made it your own. I can very much associate with the questions you ask here. Lovely poetry!
~ Nicolette
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This is just wonderful, I so enjoyed the metaphor you used to the prompt given and you took it to another level which pleases me. Thank you for a fine entry. Love, C
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Your proverb is: "Return to old watering holes for more water, friends and dreams are there to meet you"
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