Most people don't really know where Ipswich is, there being only one road in and one out. Also, family members are obliged to mate with each other due to there only being one road in and one road out and, therefore, no one with sat nav can get there.
Can I take you back in time?? to 1976?? (Ok, you are too young and grammar and maths are things of the past - but humour me in the name of history...)
On the rebound, in silk shirt and black velvet suit, I fetched up (metaphorically speaking) in the Knackers Arms (name changed to protect the very guilty and thick indeed). Sweeping aside the sawdust and looking down my middle class nose at the poachers (yes, string tied corduroys), I asked the barman for a gin and tonic. My beau, a shit faced yokel ten years my senior sniggered at my request. Before I could collect my Chanel No 5 and Sobranie Black Russian from what passed as a table, I was laughed out of that establishment. There followed the dialogue from the toothless gathering at the bar: "she's from Lunnun and she says where's the LOO".
The old harbingers of doom proceeded to piss themselves (no strangers to that, their corduroys announced loudly) with laughter at my expense. Literally, as I had bought the ugly old bastards a pint of shit and shaggster.
I can tell you Barry, knowing what a dapper and metropolitan, suave and sexy man you are, I will never set so much as a pert nipple in Ipswich again daaaaaahling. xx
Author notes
No note could render this useful!! xx
In a list
A contest entry
- CONTEST: Even More Memories! Tell Me About Your Past Tragedies! by Barry Hodges.
400 points, ended January 15, 2008, 17 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 22 of 22
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God foresaken hole!!
I had forgotten this one. The comments are the best bit... -
Tell me classy bird... are you married? I know we have only just met but I think it is time we go to the next level.
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Ah Gustav
So sad to say we are doomed to be forever apart for I am, indeed, married. Also, I need an early night, being in my 50s now...... xx -
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I do however, have to say,
that you look ever so Welsh.... There's lovely. A'rite? xx -
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If you're welsh, this is for you.
http://allpoetry.com/poem/2517518. A ballad of my step(on his face)father......
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Congratulations on the gold, I'll be ducking around with some Bollinger to christen the trophy!
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Thanks for the congrats
Bring on the Bolly!! xx big love, debs
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There was, and may still be, a pub in Cambus (a settlement near Alloa), where the barman is meant to have said to a punter who asked for a half pint of shandy: "Ye'll need a f...ing doctor's line fer that in here, son."
I myself went into a pub within sight of the Hillend Ski Slope in Edinburgh and asked for a ginger beer, to which the barmaid replied: "Is that no' an English drink, pal?"
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A ginger beer is more of a pansy Scottish drink I think which McFairies in tartan skirts like to suck on, in between bites of their deep fried Mummy's Bars.
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When we were at teacher training college back in the 70s, the lads had a drink called 'old lethal' which, from memory, was Newcastle brown with barley wine. You need a doctor's note after that one..... xx
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HE HE HE
Are you sure those trousers were stained by piss or something more thick and sticky? -
I have a funny idea that Barry, a man of exquisite taste and very sophisticated manners, will love this f*cking little tale of yours. Innit, loik? Arrrrrgh.
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This is wonderful, you poor darling, I love it from the sat nav through the Chanel no. 5 and Soubranie Black Russian to the piss-stained corduroys and the pert nipple. And indeed, a gin and tonic is the thinking persons' libation of choice in an uncertain situation. Chin up, and chin chin, chilliwoman, all is not lost !!!!
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cheers my dear
a little more ice, a tad more lemon, another bottle of gin. Meet you round the corner in a couple of mins... you sound like my kind of human!! xx big love xx chills -
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Is Gordons still the correct one ? It's so hard to know, in these days of changing tastes, whether the old icons still hold their place, against the manufactured liquid fire made from excess fruit in places like New Zealand. I'll bring Gordons, and Schweppes Tonic, the one with quinine, just in case we get mosquito bitten, and you bring some lemons from the tree in your garden. We may not be home for days, so feed the cat first. Cheers !
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OK Vic
I'm gone now - and yes, Gordons is still the gordons of choice unless there's a vicvodka cocktail on offer. I know, not funny....... NOT FUNNY AT ALL!! -
Oh Gordons
Is the correct one without a doubt. Get round here now!! Ah but - Cat is dead - what should I do with the body??
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I went outside
with my capstan full strength and some industrial vodka - you were conspicuous by your absence.. I'll not chat to you again........... (only joking sweets - big love - chills)
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Your first paragraph had me going there for a while as I thought you were referring to a place called Ipswich in Australia where brothers and sisters are their own cousins too. The mere thought of urine stained corduroy trousers made me burst out laughing. This is bloody great. I can see you've been following a certain persons's woe-filled travels around the world.
Best of luck - Von 
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Would you like me to dedicate a poem to you? My half-caste midget 2nd cousin got spit-roasted to death near your Mum's house. Twice.
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Barry I would feel so special if you did - I could print it and give it pride of place in my study Remember I live in Brisbane now we are a rich cultural mix and very cosmopolitan city
I shall look forward to it! Von
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Thank you
Barry and his ill fated travels are the very breath of life to me as I can no longer 'get out'... Whenever there is a new 'postcard' from dear Barry, I sit in my stairlift and whizz up and down and up and down and up and down and up etc. I swear to God, I will never visit my first floor landing again. xx
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