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Moontide Abyss

I hear the moon calling

to her lover,

the sea.

 

She speaks in dainty beams

of opalescent light--

a beacon, gazing

and listening

to his roaring replies in the surf.

 

But sometimes, when she's just

a vulnerable sliver

scratched in the sky,

curving like the bow of Artemis,

   I listen more closely

     than even the ocean

 

        and only I hear

           a satin-silk whisper.

                        

                       ~Did you know that I need you, dear,

                       more than anything else?

                       When you may feel me,

                       gently guiding the rise and fall

                       of your breath,

                       you can't know that without you,

                       I would be a rock among rocks;

                       empty in the emptiness,

                       resigned to be alone...

                       So the leagues between us, love,

                       truly aren't so very wide.

 

She speaks to the stars,

not to her busy lover,

but I know that he hears her...

 

and as I stand

with waves tickling my toes

and sea foam up to my knees,

the moon above illuminates

an angel's epiphany.

 

If I could be the moon,

then you would be   my  ocean.

You feel me,

but you can't know

how you fuel me...

and maybe the distance

between  us  isn't really

so very wide,

after all.

 

But to me it's still a chasm,

growing wider with each step I take.

 

I turn my back to the water,

remembering a bridge

and a jagged crack.

  Saltwater teardrops hiss as

  my toes brush baking grains of sand.

 

One by one, the coals fall between us

into eternal shadows

disappearing into darkness

before they burn out...

    if they ever do.

The smoke makes me dizzier

than the drop below,

 

but the moon doesn't mind fire--

it's all the same,

and it is not the sea.

 

You know, crossing this gap

might be possible,

if I imagine your waves

    soothing the flickering coals,

and I see cool seaweed fingers

    enveloping my feet

    with a kiss of salt.

 

 

 

We could be together...

 

and across this bitter divide,

there would be just one set

of footprints outlined

in the white ash,

because you picked me up

to carry me

   in your cool waves.

 

Author notes

Blech.

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 9 of 9

  • Exodus gold member
    January 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I thought this flowed beautifully until the excerpted bit (~Did you know that I...). It seems a little like going from a poem to a letter, and while it's beautiful, it does drag the piece down a bit. The comparison between you, them and the moon and ocean was a bit cliche but I think you managed to hold it up.
    As for the free members bit, you use to be able to have italics, bold and underline but I think that's only a paid member thing now.
    Good luck.


  • Dragomiloff
    January 16, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this is so absolutely beautiful...me bookmark :]


    • Catauthor
      January 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks! I'm so glad you liked it. Best of luck in the contest, though I don't see why you'd need it with "Duncan," which is marvelous.


  • Naridill gold member
    January 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Brilliant imagery - as well as stunning phrasing. I love this, unique and still in the stem of a cliche them that just kicks out the everyday notions to it. You've crafted a tempting re-run of emotional connections.

    I disliked the out spaced bit [~Did you know that I...], it seemed very bland and rushed compared to the rest but needed to be there.

    Awesome entry.
    D.I.D


    p.s I think free members are just anti-italics

    • Catauthor
      January 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the comment! Yeah, rereading it, I see what you mean about the "~" bit. I'll change that a bit when the contest's over...Thanks again!


  • Tangled Angle
    January 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like the contrast you used with the water imagery and then the burning imagery. I think the transition was kind of sudden, and didnt really develop or evolve, it just kind of happened. I think it would have seemed more realistic if there was more development between the two ideas. But the ideas themselves, I did like.
    Cool title.
    "If I could be the moon,
    then you would be my ocean." kind of cliche,
    but overall this was really profound.


    • Catauthor
      January 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks, Tyler. I await your scores with bated breath, I assure you. I'll work on fixing the idea development and cliches after everyone's been scored.


  • shirk
    January 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Oh please. This is amazing. "won't contend" with flatline my butt. I like this a lot...I'm very intimidated.


    • Catauthor
      January 16, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the comment...intimidated, yeah, right. Good luck (not that you'll need it)!

1 - 9 of 9