My lust
amethyst fruit,
when memories desire
togetherness; obsessions bear
dewdrops.
.
Author notes
I have checked and rechecked: em - ethyst is two syllables. But I'll give in - 'sound' over 'theory' - win or loose!
In a list
A contest entry
- chanson: songs of love and wine by Nicolette.
900 points, ended January 20, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 19 of 19
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A beautiful and apt metaphor, Frans.
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Memories
Painted so beautifully within your poem, which is written of so few words. So much said with sensually great taste. Excellent poet you are my dear friend. Thank you for sharing your gift with me.
Much Love
Many Blessings
Kelle Marie
stavykm
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Lovely Poem!!!
A lovely poem. You say so much with only a few words. Always nice to read about sweet sweet memories.
An excellent write with beautiful imagery.
Bless you,
Sandy
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My Afrikaans ear tells me that "a-me-thyst" is 3 syllables, lol - and I will go with sound here, Frans. So in that regard the syllable count is perfect (I totally agree with Myra here). A very fine cinquain you've written here, my friend and totally sensual, yet delivered by way of showing rather than telling. I'll definately look at fruit and dewdrops in a new light now!! Lovely work.
Thank you for this great entry.
~ Nicolette
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Nicolette
Thanks for coming back. While my academic mind says two, my heart also says 3 syllables. I have learnt something new by entering this contest. Thank you for the great opportunity and time you have given to comment. Frans
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Frans, this is a great cinquain. I like the 2nd and 3rd the most. It reminded me of a memoir not so long ago.
Thanks for sharing and keep writing.
HENSLEY a.k.a VIRGOAN
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Virgoan
Thank you for your kind comment - it motivates. Frans
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I agree "sound over theory". All poetry was originally meant to be sung or recited. Even Shakespeare didn't compose all his sonnets in total decasyllable. This is perfect!
Love,
Amera♥
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Good day friend, Your have penned a beautiful cinquain here. The imagery is quite lovely. Its beauty fills the senses as I read it this morning. A wonderful write. Best of lick in the contest. You take care, Sandy
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First of all ...
before commenting on any technical disputes, I want to say this: what a wondrous, and truly poetic visual you have painted here! For visual it is! I also loved how you had woven emotions into this, and powerful emotions too: lust, desire, obsessions, but contrasted with softer nuances of tenderness: fruit, togetherness, dewdrops. A wondrous tension of paradoxes here!
Now, about the syllabic count: I prefer to talk of sound units or onji, in the west we call it a syllable count. It all depends on WHO reads it and HOW traditional it truly is. As a matter of fact: there is NO traditional theme we can copy from one language to the other, for the syllabic count symply differs. SO: stick to SOUND and NOT theory!
And now, Frans, gold all the way for this lovely poem.
Edengroete
Myra
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Ah myrataal
you have upset my stance. I'll close once again to SOUND, and let the THEORY be! Thank you for your comments, these, as always, are truly appreciated. Frans -
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Wondrous correction!
No matter what syllabic count you implemented, this transition is just PERFECT: My lust/amethyst fruit! WOW. It is direct and strongly metaphoric, as the contest asked for.
Well done!
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This is gorgeous Frans and i love the cono in the comments
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Lovely, Poet. "amethyst fruit". Memories, indeed; my late sweetheart's birthstone was the amethyst. Lovely, deep, with tones & scents of lavender & lace. Good luck in Nic's & Moqui's contest. Wanda
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Night Hope
Blessing to you, you comment is appreciated. Frans
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Too much of your "lust"
and you'll have no memory.
I like it, Poet!
P.S. Line 2 "is am·e·thyst fruit" should be 4 ...get rid of "is" ...Jus' a suggestion, Friend.
~ Nicky♥
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PageTurner
Who am I not to listen to both you and Moqui Takoda - syllable counter does not seem trustworthy - but I like your suggestion - it gives the poem umph! Thanks. Frans
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You may wish to check your syllable count for second line. I like the way you move so smoothly from a lovely simile of the first to lines to a wanting, a recall of togetherness, and then to the moisture, the dewdrops of the final three lines. This is such a nice progression. I can almost see and feel ripening fruit, such as papaya, or mango, curling out moisture, tears in their wait upon the fruit stand bin. A poignant description of memories, is this.
Thank you submitting this fine poetry in the contest. ,,,Moqui -
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Moqui Takoda
I did this: Without the word 'fruit' it gives 3, and with the word 'fruit' 4. The total count is 21. What now. I am totally new to this type of poetry. Thanks.
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