I see dark I feel dark as i fall.
It consumes me as I fall taking no chances.
I hear weeping sounds around me , I ask them to stop but they don't.I curl up into a ball hoping my falling has ended.
Then i feel the earth upon my body as I fall, I open my eyes and see trees, birds,and the sun, I smile as I look upon it all then i realize that the world doesn't work as so, The death,The pain the hurt,we all cause. Its killing all. I close my eyes and wrap my hands around my body and fall into a black hole we created full of the demize,the hate will the demize and the hate ever end?
A contest entry
- I by N e a r.
2300 points, ended February 3, 2008, 220 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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I like the way you told this more like a story than a poem. Dark and powerful; I like the way you showed the reader what you think of this world.
It would be easier to read if you included line breaks and structured it a little more. A background would add some eye candy to the reader as well.
Thanks for entering your write at A N Y T H I N G ~ G O E S ! Good luck!
M a r l u x i a
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Welcome to allpoetry
Your last line ended up being all turned around. I would suggest formatting this as a poem, with short line breaks. Each line in this paragraph could be two or three lines of verse. It would improve the flow and have a stronger impact on the words. Giving more meaning to the reader.
I encourage you to keep writing to read and comment.
God Bless
Tammy
Site Greeter -
Very dark and sad, seems very personal. I do agree it is lacking some structure, but the content of the poem has potential.
Welcome to AP! Hope you keep writing
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This is a great write. Considering the fact that the rest of it was so well put together, including the diction and flow, I am assuming that the incorrect spelling of the word 'demise' was intentional.
Welcome to AllPoetry. I hope that you enjoy your stay here.
Write on.
~*~SP~*~
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Holy Panckes
this is pretty good I like it. Anyone who reads this will have no prob getting the point. I think if you learn how to put your poems into some kind of form or sturcture you will go far. please don't stop writing though because you tell a good story
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This comment sounds oddly familiar
haha
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Great piece, you get your point across well. Can we change our ways?
Speaking of change, as great as your poem is, it lacks some basic structure and a lot of grammar. Perhaps you will improve upon it? Even so, great write, great job.
-Nick
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