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Down and Across

You and I 

lie on opposite ends of a chessboard,

half of which is now charred

by a fire

that has consumed our verses.


Whiffs of smoke

rise from black squares. 

 

Carefully, we move

diagonally, towards each other,

with fresh words. 

 

No arrangement is random. 

If you analyze the game carefully,

you'll realize that we're actually

scrabbling in love

 

and this randomness

is a disguised hint. 

 

Now the truth falls

down and across. 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

The charring refers to the black squares. Hence, we move diagonally on white squares.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • peru
    January 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    As usual WOW!
    You make simple things look so beautiful. And even if you had not mentioned the meaning of charring in your notes it was pretty much clear.
    I got completely involved in the randomness and scrabbling.
    Keep up the good work!


  • Exodus gold member
    January 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "None of them is random." or "None of them are random."?
    Something about that line just doesn't quite sit right with me.
    The other main thing here is that you've used "random" in the stanza before and then you use it again in "and randomness / is a disguised hint.", I think you could have chosen a different word here.
    I agree with Heather on the ending, the one you chose works well, but you could have been more daring with it.
    Good luck


  • Tangled Angle
    January 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Very clever, and unique.
    Simple, but really cool.

    I wish you would have made the charring black squares image more clear in your poem. You shouldn't have had to of said that in your notes....but it was a really creative idea.

    Overall, nice job.


  • Naridill gold member
    January 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very intriguing. The word usage was beautiful - metaphors and imagery are spot on. I am a little iffy about 'None of them is random.' perhaps 'none of these random' or such. The wording just seems off there.

    The ending is simple but seems the easy way out and I do feel that either more length or a more wordy ending could have enthralled this piece more. But definitely exquisite.

    D.I.D


  • Dragomiloff
    January 9, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    this is cool. The last line rocks.


  • Death of the Author
    January 9, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Haha "scrabbling in love", what a great line! Clever, nice take on the prompt too.

    I like this...lovely last line (and all the others, though I felt the second was slightly clunky and the repetition of word/words added to that, to me anyway) though...I feel you could add to it. Maybe it's because it was so good it left me wanting more. I hope you do add to it, but if you don't then good luck! And take care x


    • Raazi
      January 9, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Here you go!

      • Death of the Author
        January 9, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        Aww I hope you didn't just change that because of what I said, I'm no expert! But I like what you have done with it! Good luck again!


        • Raazi
          January 9, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          lol no. was working on it anyway.
          thanks for the feedback

1 - 10 of 10