Scrolled across a painted papyrus,
the moment our lips met; were sheer beauty
as the murur of philosophy,
that plants a fleeting kiss
of a feathered quill.
The canvas of my soul
is drenched not in paint,
but the ink of dreams and a caress,
the scent of crushed pines
is your perfume, which intoxicates me
each time I set to paper,
and the words just drip
from the lips of your tip,
as the torn fabrics,
of a broken mind.
Whence romance was a mere seedling
blossoming in the womb,
to become a fluttering breeze
and the burden grew wearing,
such that I turned away
fearing to let the tales sink in.
I forgot the weathered parchment
but now I set both feet down,
and I follow your footsteps;
forgive me, my muse.
Author notes
Last minute, twenty-mins poem. Sorry, you WERE right, it's better to write asap. Hm, the theme clicked. I don't know true love, or atleast thats what i thought, but hey, obsessive love is the strongest!
JUDGES: I made a correction omitting a 'the'. I'm not sure if I'm suppose to do that after posting the poem but still, just thought I'd tell you!
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round Two [Top 16] by Tangled Angle.
450 points, ended January 18, 2008, 12 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Criticism Is Very Much Welcomed -- I Am Here To Learn
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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That's my boy
Love you son
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This was a great take on the prompt, unique and interesting. I really think that everything that needs to be said has already been said. I enjyed reading this, it flowed nicely, the rhythm didn't stick at all.
All in all a great job
Good luck. -
I'm cool with contestants making corrections after posting; basically what Heather said.
I thought you did an excellent job. Interesting take on the given prompt, meaning-wise I see the connection. For anyone to see how this connects with the prompt would truly have to get a decent interpretation.
Unique.
Good job. -
Your phrasing is stunning - twenty minutes or twenty hours - I think this came out how it was meant to. The imagery, as well, such stunning and seemingly simplicity.
The length - it seemed so short and so captivating, I was honestly waiting for more but I do feel the end ends it well and this piece - as a whole - does seem a little 'here and now' but it works well.
D.I.D
p.s I think editing is fine until a judge marks there territory [double check with Tyler]
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Man, if this is what you write in twenty minutes I shudder to think what you are capable of, my young friend. I can not believe the depth, the beauty, the metaphors, the quality of poetry that someone of your age is writing.
this is beautiful in all aspects...the ancient weaved and made alive again by a young mind. Excellent!
~ Nicolette
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"and I follow the your footsteps;"
Did you mean to put "the" and "your" in that line? Sorry if it's me having a rather dumb moment.
I envy your talent...a twenty minute poem and you come up with this? Amazing. This time last year I probably wouldn't have cared for this piece at all because I did not understand free verse and therefore didn't like it, but now I can see the beauty of it, I even started writing it recently (hence why I'm in the contest too!).
Every line is filled imagery, beautiful wording and just...well yeah it's great.
Good luck in the contest and take care x
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Eeek, LOL, not you having a dumb moment, it's me having a dumb typo! Thank you, I'll fix that!!
Hehe, I've always written freeverse, though rhyme isn't so bad either --- hm, come to think of it, I still hate it because I stink at it....
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