she watches the telephone
and in foreign whispers
curses its silence
he said he'd call
she waited with the sunrise
in patient anticipation
but now the sun breaks in Japan
leaving her in a solitary penumbra
she no longer curses
deep within she knew
his promises weigh like feathers
Author notes
I might edit it... or not
A contest entry
- feather by Utok Bulinaw.
410 points, ended January 10, 2008, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 23 of 23
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Cool
Wow, this one is very nicely done. I really like your word selection here. Maximum imagery with the least amount of words is always my motto. Well Done! ~Peace~Gar -
Deep within she knew
but she waited with sunrise
sometimes its all one sided
life play
and you have put it nicely
this game of sunrise and penumbra
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OK, I kinda chuckled (I'm given to innapropriate responses). The irony of the final lines really makes this pop (his promises apparently weighing heavilly). Kundera's book really smacked me, as I have always been a floater. You are nothing if not tangibly anchored.
The poem works really well. The tension, the detail, the personality playing throughout. Nicely done, Mari.
Brian
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First time I read The Unbearable Lightness of Being, I was 16 years old. Then read it again few years later and again few years ago, same book, pages already looks yellow...and each time I read it my thoughts change colours too
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nice write
my only nit: the changes in tense kind of break up the flow for me. change or not...
she (watched) the telephone
and in foreign whispers
(cursed) its silence
he said he'd call
she waited with the sunrise
in patient anticipation
but now the sun breaks in Japan
leaving her in a solitary penumbra
she no longer curses
deep within she knew
his promises weigh like feathers
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Excellent
Very well expressed. Best of luck in the contest.
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don't edit it, it's perfect !
although the ambiance of your poem might suggest sadness, I felt joy reading about "the promises weighing like feathers" - suggesting that, with surrendering our expectations, deception vanishes in the blink of an eye ...
brava !
maa
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Thank you maa! I think I like this poem the way it is, not editing it
Thanks for your very kind comments
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I loved the title as well as the write. I could relate to these words at certain times in my life, felt exactly this way.well done, thanx for the memories, conni
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Congratulations on the trophy. This is the type of poetry that makes me think what would I do in the same situation. I've been there and done that a time or two. It makes me wonder if I made the right choice in the first place then just feel empty. Excellent work my friend.
Sincerely,
Leo Long
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Strange sooth... promises weigh like feathers. Promises tend to make the future more real or at least give a person a sense of direction or control. Still half of the promsies are only half hearted while others are only half stated while others are heard by people who need to hear them... even if they only blow by in the wind like feathers.
You've penned an intrigueing and haunting image.
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Congrats on the bronze.
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Oh my a Mari left for naught with teeth showing. Could just be a time thing or maybe a guy thing. --- Thank you.
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Penumbra
You love that word like I do the word "Moxie."
The word "foreign" takes on subtle undertones (for me.) Foreign, as in from somewhere else, but also foreign, as in uncommon, not typical. I see "whispers" and "silence" as the antonyms of "curses" and that makes for striking opposites...thus "foreign" again.
I still don't like that word, "penumbra." Never have, never will. But I won't try to persuade you..."you can lead a poet to the right word but you can't make them use it." ;P
Japan is an interesting choice for the locale, "The land of the rising sun." Was that intentional?...say yes. Hopefully others will see that neat little thing you did there. Besides the distance, that's a great reason to use Japan.
I still like, "the dawn breaks" instead of the sun breaks," I know nothing about poetry but in fiction it's pleasing to the ear to avoid the same word in close proximity.
Feathers here is a highly charged word, the similie is as heavy as the illusions that have been lifted from her.
You know, the poem isn't so much about hurt or disappointment as it is about accepting what we know is true...or think is true.
And finally...I'm sorry.
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this is so well done, the ideas carry the convincing weight of disappointment; so very well done here...PK
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but now the sun breaks in Japan
leaving her in a solitary penumbra
I wished I've written those lines myself. The impatience in this poem is vividly expressed. I like the ending too, reminds me of the promises I made for myself and for those who weighed beyond the world to me, only leaving a solitary heaviness inside (and made me curse too! lol). Thank you for entering Mari. As always, your poetry moves me.
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Wonderfull poem.
Promisses are so easely made but it needs just that little more to make it the unbreakable lightness.
Wim
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sorry hun I lost your number...
Such is the problem with "wants"
they tend to be dropped in the sands
as we walk along life's beach
more often than not, leading to empty feeling
and sadness
years ago, millions of miles of wire
strained to bring the voice I longed for
now the wires and air
are both
silent
Hugs...Eddy
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I always look forward to your poems/comments Eddy.
They are like complements to the poems you comment to.
And hey, that 'I lost your number' is a way too old excuse, doesn't work anymore
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This is an intersting write that is moody, frustrating (at least for her) and well written. I like the form of it.... free style with structure, Good luck.
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Well this is quite a heavy poem that you've written here dear mommer - even though it's about the metaphorical meaning of feathers...
I could here you cursing in portuguese already
Hope this isn't based on truth?
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I'll tell you what this is about if you come to Antwerp this month
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I'll suppose you will give it to him in portuguese.
Wim
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