his lips --
walls, a secret
on my ear chamber ... ... no
hand to mouth, 'she's pregnant;' checking
echo
Author notes
love was my focus
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*
JUDGES I hope it wrapped better;
original, L3-5 :
on my ear chamber; per-
tinent, checks 'she's pregnant' as mid-
dle name
*
*
good luck should't be
please go past fixed emoticons and the applause to your jot,
though using petals of rose could work
A contest entry
- chanson: songs of love and wine by Nicolette.
900 points, ended January 20, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
wistful wise this not that
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I like this and you've done really well with the changes you've made. The syllable count is perfect and I love the way you've played with line breaks and pauses here - great! Those words "she's pregnant" do carry many pauses and interjection within them and you've done so well to display it here.
A very fine entry - thank you for entering.
~ Nicolette
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Uniquely formated. Definitely out of the box.
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thank you for noticing
Luna Tique Fringe with a nice eyeing
oh ha-ha, "Definitely out of the box" was more than I realized, as imagination got reigned in to keep all word dimension in each line intact. I tried it again with that neatness needed and then expanded ~
expressiveness a learning experience,
also called
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Very interesting... the break was certainly unique.
Well done best of luck to you in the contest.
Delila
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more happy you esteemed the piece than me
Delila I had to respell my poem more conservatively per se
thank you for incoroporating joy with my tweaked emphasis, but it made it too weak according to standards for cinquain that's not just Carolyn lol. I reestablished the tiny story with whole words everywhere through line format, but took advantage of ellipses etcetera for indications to quiet down the read.
It was fun to proceed with both but I'll pay attention to one from now on,
also called
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I agree with my co-judge that this is a lovely cinquain, but please consider editing the breakup of words as that is actually not "allowed", e.g. "per-tinent" and "mid-dle"...the syllable count is applicable to "whole" words in a specific line.
~ Nicolette
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encouraginly I'll write again
Nicolette I would like to work with you
oh I feel terrible by that I didn't build up anything but what has to be torn down really. I'll try to creatively recapture this which was so enchanting in a mixed up way for me, now according to what you allow.
Please be patient for me to see it resituating,
also called
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I like your original and unusual approach. The way you break your words at the end of lines gives a hesitant, broken yet smooth feel very much like someone whispering very close-up into an ear. I also appreciate your fourth line with its change of speed at the end with the broken word. This is a very interesting piece that you have penned.
Thank you entering the contest. peace ,,,Moqui -
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keep watching to see if it won't be rough to say even though from heart
Moqui Takoda thanks for your eyes and response
I'm pleased you enjoyed the version that has to be changed for technical counting with integrity of integers. I'll keep it around in AN for comparison, to see if there's any mainitaining of the nuances you caught by the cut ins and outs. There was no coincidence it made me smile either. And lastly, my greatest challenge in repairing the poem is passing on the beauty of the final lines I currently find too with their stringing, in a new way.
actually I'm glad to keep trying, it was such a moment to savor
weighable though,
also called
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