||A HEADS UP, there is some disturbing content in this piece. This is a VERY, VERY PERSONAL poem for me and it's about the abuse my mom's (now ex) boyfriend put me through for years......i was silent, and never really told||
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Darkness closes velvet shades, blocking out
eternal life that has slipped from a feeble grasp.
Shadows wind through my twisted mentality as i collapse
in tears; crystal glass shattering in frail hands.
I tightly hug a teddy bear, crushing it against my heaving
chest and praying life will be ok.
Quietly i rock back and forth, demons whispering.....
quiet.....
eery.....
tempting....
enveloping the lunacy within my afflicted soul.
The halls in my psyche, white washed and
tainted, splattered red with blood from mutilated
flesh, my arms bared to trauma.
I swoon through REM sleep as a parrallel universe
answers my desparate pleas;
a fantasy realm saving me from aphotic ghosts.
But still, beyond the mist of beautiful illusions
i see his eye's, tearing through the mystic skies.
On the ruffled wind plays music of glittered enchantment,
the rising and falling melodies, lullabies played from a sapphire
glass box......
singing.....
twirling....
dancing....
smiles from above turning to satanic grins;
eye's of perversion seek to destroy,
such a hallucination of the worst kind.
Fantasy mirrors a universe of despair,
his hands mimicking demonic intentions.
Innocense butchered, no angels left here to save me
and no one here to listen.
As he stares at me my visions turn violent,
envisioning my throat cut to save me from this place.
Purgatory opens up to take me in, feathered horses
in my dreams whispering thoughts of suicide.
Beasts rake my flesh, leaving me sobbing and bleeding,
Oh how these icicles encased my misery,
wishing the ice would freeze my heart,
leaving me in a winter world away from hurt.....
away from abuse......
from the screams, the molestation, the hatred, the violence.
Birdies betray the child and confide in the mother,
like a happy childrens' book where animals can talk.
But now the birds are silent, no chirping, no singing...
just watching as he hurts me, watching as i cry.....
they watch as i tear myself apart at night and
then like that.....off they fly
....silent......always silent.....
Author notes
BTW, THE PHRASES: "i see his eye's, tearing through the mystic skies" AND "smiles from above turning to satanic grins" ALL REFER TO MY MOM'S BOYFRIEND (now ex)(IT HAS NO SPIRITUAL CONNECTION)
I can't seem to get through the hurt that man put me through. I have told my mom that he was sexual towards me and all we ever did at the time was fight about that man. I CAN'T TAKE IT.....I NEED TO HEAR HER SAY SHE'S SORRY AND APOLOGIZE. MY MOM IS NOT A BAD WOMAN.....just a really hurt one. She has apologized to my brother mostly for all the pain he went through with him but not once has she TRULY apologized for WHAT THAT MAN DID TO ME......sometimes i wonder if she even cared BUT I CAN'T SEEM TO MOVE ON......it's like i'm waiting on it......just for her to say I'M SORRY FOR NOT BELIEVING YOU when at the time, SHE WAS WILLING TO KICK ME OUT OVER THAT MAN
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Option 4. ~Write a prose about some personal trauma
that left mental or physical scars in your
life...
We Lit A Flame:
1)) Write to your past or your future. Not in a letter form- be creative. You do not have to use "you" and "I" -you can also describe an incident.
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Option #2 - If you are not comfortable with the above option, write about what you are most upset about now and how it is affecting your life; or something that upset you the most from the past, and how it is affecting
the quality of your life now.
A contest entry
- GET NOTICED!!!! by Nighttime angel.
625 points, ended January 13, 2008, 88 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Dark Heart of Agony Contest by SchizoChic.
450 points, ended January 13, 2008, 27 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - tell me about your shitty life. by halapalu.
300 points, ended January 18, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - xxxSCARREDxxxFORxxxLIFExxx by voodoo ink.
1025 points, ended January 27, 2008, 18 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - DREARY by Joe Bloggs.
300 points, ended February 3, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poetry and writing workshop in honor of people with disabilities. 1600 points! by kareneisenlord.
1400 points, ended January 29, 2008, 44 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Self-reflection: Write to your past OR choose an option by we lit a flame.
600 points, ended February 8, 2008, 41 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 37 of 37
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FAVROITE!!
i am in love with this write, its brutal and beautifull. i love the imagry of the victim's mind. the best pain you can find on a piece of paper is pain experienced, and yours is exquisite. thanks for sharing such darkness from your soul.
Oh, and i might as well throw in an offer for mutilation too. (no harm in asking)
U want me to f*ck this guy up?
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*grins*
you mean mutilation as a means of murder??
And yeah....i'd love to help you.
Actually, back when my mom was still with him, i took a picture of him, pinned it up outside and took an axe to it. I brought my radio out and turned it all the way up to drown out the axe. lol. It was good therapy
(and btw, i'm not in any danger of hurting anyone, i see myself as the victim of murder, NOT the killer). But guess what? I've come to grips with the fact that i'm fucked up -
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of course as murder! though then again you cant really enjoy a dead mutilated person, its when their still alive that its amusing.
anyway, i understand the fascination with murder, so im not actualy worried about any real psycho shit. and being fucked up is all well and good, its the people that DONT accept it that got the real issues. -
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Sooooo.....if you could actually go out and murder someone, knowing you would get away with it....how would you do it?
And agreed, no fun when they are dead though....watching them thrash in a state of death throes is pretty amusing as well you would think, eh?
That's true.....although i'm not sure that accepting it is the best thing but if it's something you can't change, why stress over it, right? I'm huge into the idea of being murdered.....i never understood it as a child and i still don't now, but it has always been with me and the feeling has intensified as i've gotten older (i'm 20 yrs old now.....) -
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Hmmmm...
im partial to blades, so id probably carve the victem with a wide selection of knifes and other cutting tools. from the arms in, starting shallow and getting deeper, ending at the neck. im more into the psychological aspect of pain, and along with my love for knifes, this makes for the perfect murder for me; slow and intimate, and so much pain you could taste it.
exactly, if theres nothing you can do, then stressing on it and not going with it is just gonna wear you down and get you depressed. i say screw that, being depressed takes WAY too much effort. understanding it is another thing entirely though, you got me on that one. ive never understood how i am the way i am, and dont think ill ever really find out, but i dont mind, im pretty much ok with myself most of the time. -
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Hell yess.....i definitely agree with you. And knives are one of the hottest instruments of murder you could choose (knives/scalpels/etc). You know, now that you have mentioned the psychological aspect. I bet i could make the most HORRIFYING movie ever invented without there being an actual murder (it would be a short film, not a long ass one.....but just a film with an attacker and victim). Obviously blood, but no extreme gore and the murder shown possibly off film, i bet i could create something that would make most people leave, walk away, or mentally disturb. The main graphic thing would be the sexual content and the words spoken......add in rape......torture (minus the gore) and the rest of the movie be a mind-fuck. In other words, the killer whispering threats in her ears.....just....there's so much. Soooo fuckin much. Even add mirrors on the cieling so the victim can see themself in pain....have a camera video taping the whole ordeal. Shit, i have so many ideas. The killer licking blood off of vic, etc.
And yeah......soooooo.....i think i have asked you this, but you should do another write and take my life in it
yes? -
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yes.
id love to kill you. though ill have to think of a particular mindfuck for you, seeing as youve already had too much fun killing yourself. i know youll enjoy it, so ill just have to find a way to enjoy it more.
and on the movie idea, im great with mindfuck, but not particularly great at original tourture ideas, but together, id bet we could create some of the greatest shit for normal people to be discusted over. a straight up, friggen blast!
thanx for the great and truly disturbing conversation, i love talking to people that dont get finicky at the first falce word, easily offended people annoy the hell out of me, and sadly youre one of the first that arent. i hope we stay in contact, and i promise you a murder that will have you coming back for more...
*sadistic smile* -
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LOL
i made a mistake, OBVIOUSLY open-minded people don't irritate me, i mean close-minded. haha, wow, that was gay -
Yeahhh.....i CAN'T fuckin wait to see what you come up with and you know, sometimes the most simple of murder methods are the scariest. In other words, you can cause massive amounts of fear JUST by dragging your blade over your victims body while whispering in their ear HOW you plan to kill them. Just the feel of the blade against their flesh and the helpless feeling of being bound and ever vulnerable part of their body displayed is enough to scare even the most cold-hearted. The body's natural response is fight-or-flight syndrome, SURVIVAL. Hell, however you plan to butcher me, i can garuntee you would scare the living shit out of me. When i write like this, the poems i mean, i scare the ehll out of myself.
ANd i totally agree.....you have a sick fucked up mind as do i, and i think it could turn out to be the most horrifying production ever. It will fuckin by-pass Saw and Hostel, those are gore-flicks but what we would do wouldn't focus so much on gore but more the negative parts of humanity. Rape, mind-fucking, butchery, mutilation, etc
AND YEAH! I totally hope we stay in contact, because i LOVE these conversations and i'm glad you are open enough to have it. Our minds seem to be very similar and i agree, open-minded people fuckin piss me off. Everyone has their own interests, so they can shove-it! -
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LMAO
i didn't even catch that open minded thing untill you pointed it out. nice one. lol.
so i got a question for you: ive got a pretty good idea cookin up, but its fantacy instead of reality. all your stuff ive read is realistic, so i dont know if youll like it, but i play a great deamon.
teaser: the title is death synthetic, and you get to die over and over. plus, im going to personalize it a bit to add to the creep factor too, if you dont mind.
saw is an ok movie, and i hate hostel, that movie was only half thought through and poorly put together, all it was was gore, and any time someone started to think, the director must have yelled cut. now that i think about it, i cant remember the last movie that i found properly twisted. fight club maybe, but thats not horror, just crazy.
By the way, out of curiosity, where do you draw the line? i mean, being the way we are sort of blurs the line on moral issues, so what is considered too far?
me, the only things i cant tolerate are the use of children or animals for these things, but other than that, pretty much anything goes.
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Thank you for your comment, I love all your writing... I am a huge fan of Serial Killers, And one day hope to become the next Jack the Ripper
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ha.....
well, if you've read this poem now you know SOME of what has happened to me. LOL, i can't wait to stand at your feet as life flashes before my eye's
*grins*
i'm such a twisted fuck and i fuckin love it ^_^
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I am speechless. To call this 'incredible' would still be an injustice- I cannot choose a favorite line- all the lines flow together so smoothly and perfectly. You've laced feelings with images and metaphorical concepts that are frighteningly accurate as well as heart-wrenching.
My heart goes out to you- best wishes,
Cordelia
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Thanks
so much.
I'm not good at writing poetry and i'm not talented at it, but i've always struggled with sharing my emotions with people in such a way that THEY TO could feel it....
-_O
So this was my attempt! Thanks again for your comment -
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What do you mean you can't write..?? You can't be reading what we are girl...your awesome!
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An intense and powerful sad piece, full of imagery and excellent word play. I am sorry you had to go through that and you are still waiting for your mum to say sorry. Sometimes sorry can be the hardest word to say. I hope things improve and you are able to move on soon. Stay strong
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O.O
GAH, i just realized i never saw this comment. ha.....yeah, it's rough but it's just another phase of life. I mean, i have faith that we'll all get through it eventually. This experience just takes time and healing.....
And thanks for the comment, I LOOK UP TO YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING!!!! SO IT REALLY, REALLY MEANS A LOT.....O.O
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This was absolutely stunning and exquisite in the anguish it portrays. Not exquisite in a wonderful way, but exquisitely painful in the betrayal and loneliness and unbelievable horror that this put you through and still does.
The tears are swelling up in my eyes for you; how alone and abandoned you must feel. All of the imagery in your poem, and the loss of innocense that you portray is almost overwhelmingly sad and excruciatingly hurtful. Somehow, you managed to express the unexpressable loss and devastation that this put you through; and yet there is so much more.
I also went through an experience similar to this when my mother took up with my stepfather when I was three years old. I don't think it was to the extent that you have - my situation was more one of psychological and emotional incest that bordered on becoming physical, although there was profound physical, emotional and psychological abuse.
Then, the victim is often blamed; that just pours heaps of salt on the festering wound - one that will never heal. Their denial is one of the most difficult things to handle; for we are left alone - out in the darkness of nothingness and despair, wondering - what did we do to deserve this? And what did we do wrong?
The way you wrote these feelings down and more, with all of the amazing imagery; that I could so relate to beyond belief. Like;
"I swoon through REM sleep as a parrallel universe
answers my desparate pleas;"
I escaped to "parallel universes" as a child also, and still do.
"smiles from above turning to satanic grins;
eye's of perversion seek to destroy,
such a hallucination of the worst kind."
I remember his face, leering at me sardonically with a fiendish grin from the full moon, night after night with no escape.
The end of your stunning poem is so sad, and gives me such a dismal sense of hopelessness;
"Birdies betray the child and confide in the mother,
like a happy childrens' book where animals can talk.
But now the birds are silent, no chirping, no singing...
just watching as he hurts me, watching as i cry.....
they watch as i tear myself apart at night and
then like that.....off they fly ....silent......always silent....."
That's probably the worst part; is the silence and denial - being left alone to deal with it,
alone.
I feel for you, I really do. I can't imagine worse than my nightmare - and yours is. God, I hurt for you.
Out of desperation I tried an online group called ISURVIVE for a while. I didn't really get into it with them - just scratched the surface. I read how much worse others have had it. I can't fathom the pain, or can I; because I was a victim of abuse also. I just can't even begin to imagine how it is for someone who had a harder time of it.
Thank you for sharing and for your courage for being so forthcoming with this and entering the contest. You are not alone, and we are here for you!
Those last words of your poem are so haunting, I feel like crying again;
"....silent......always silent....."
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Wow but you have certainly entered this poem in a lot of contests have you not? But I am honoured you chose to enter it in my contest for DREARY poems as well. This is pretty dreary in my opinion and depressing too, especially with so many errors. Good luck in all the contests.
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'Beasts rake my flesh, leaving me sobbing and bleeding,
Oh how these icicles encased my misery'
Love your phrasing - sets the mood beautifully.
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THanks so much for the comment. It's hard trying to describe emotion using words and imagery.....in such a way that others can actually feel it.
THanks again
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This brings me to tears, with the personal trauma and scars you hold from this pain of the past, but my, what a piece you have written, turning such emotional chaos into art...poet, I tip my quill to you...
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oh wow......
thanks sooo much for your comment.
I really struggle with explaining how i feel in such a way that others can feel it. I don't considerate myself talented at ALL though
just emotional, haha
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Wow If I could fold this poem up in my brain and take it where ever I could, I would.
oh its so... sad, and hard to get through. I was scared for a moment if I would end up crying... you got me pretty damn close darling.
I'm so sorry about what happened.
its not your fault. but I know that you know that already.
but the metaphors and details were splendid.
loved it.
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Awwwww, thanks hun!
that was a kind comment.
I look at the situation and realize that since it didn't kill me, it can make me a stronger person. It can also help me better relate to others who are experiencing similar trauma or reach those who are feeling suicidal.
The poem you wrote and entered into that contest was BRILLIANT. ABSOLUTELY EMOTIONAL AND AMAZINGLY WELL WRITTEN......have to admit, i was stunned
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I feel for you on this write Synthe!
Looks like you have had, more than your fair share of shit out of luck... Even worse is nobody around you would believe such things.
OK...If you ever need to talk about "KILLING THIS EVIL PIECE OF SHIT" please contact me first,
Take care...
~T.S~
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Thanks TS for the comment.
haha, yeah.....but we ALLLLL have shitty things in life happen, we all have stories and crosses to bear.
I certaintly didn't have it nearly as bad as other people out there but it was all still a traumatizing ordeal and something i definitely ahve to face. I've got demons from my past (including a few months ago with the mom's ex) which i'm battling.....but i can use it as a strength! ^_^
haha, and i KNOW i can talk to you on "KILLING THIS FUCKIN PEDOPHILE!" hahaha.....
actually, i have a police record now cause a friend of mine were writing letters back and forth on killing our abusers and i wrote in the letter i wanted to gut his corpse and slit his throat. Well, my friend moved and had lost the letters and her mom got a hold of them, showed them to the cops and the cops showed the letters to my mom and her NOW EX b/f. Yeah, it was pretty fucked up, they put me on file
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beautifully written, powerful, and definitely makes it to one of the shittiest lives ever. i'm really sorry about this horrifying experience. not only was the poem amazing, but the author's note was almost equally as moving. thank you for entering, and good luck
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First of all big hugs to you. I'm so sorry this happened to you. I'm so sorry that you went thru this alone without anyone who would believe you and take your side and stop it. My heart breaks for you my dear. I think it is a powerful moving piece that brings forth pent up emotion. Well done. Thanks for entering and best of luck.
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This poem is very powerful, full of sadness, anger and so many emotions. abuse is a terrible thing and happens way to often. I felt a lot of anger as I read this, because you had been put through this, and that your mother did nothing to help you. the worst is that she didn't believe you, that only makes what happened much much worse. abuse in any form is a terrible crime, one that people seem to try to sweep it under the rug, thinking thats going to make it just go away. I applaud you for speaking out and for telling your story and of the tragedy that occurred in your life. I am a survivor of emotional, sexual and domestic abuse, I can tell you the pain that I have to deal with on a daily basis is terrible. so many things I need to get out, wanting to just be able to move forward in some fashion.. but never seeming to be able.. feeling like I am stuck.
If you ever need to talk, please feel free to do so. I will be there to listen, never do I judge.
good luck in the contest.
kat
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Wow, thanks so much for commenting. I know my mom was going through some terrible abuse with this guy too. I think he was hurting her and scaring the shit out of her. I think it runs deeper than i could have imagined at the time. If she would just tell me now......that she believes me, just tell me that she apologizes and CARES......don't get me wrong, she's the BEST MOTHER I COULD EVER HOPE FOR. I love her more than anything....i just want her to know that i'm hurting.
I'M VERY, VERY SORRY THAT YOU WENT THROUGH SUCH TRAUMA. I've talked to you on her before and you are a WONDERFUL person. You didn't deserve to go throguh the trauma you were put through, and i hope like mad that you're doing ok with it now. I mean......i want you to know that if you ever need to talk, i'll listen. I agree......that a lot of people seem to just ignore a lot of hte abuse problems, there's so many tragedies out there and broken homes.
Thanks again for your comment, i'm here if YOU ever need to talk as well
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Poem was fantastic.
And I'm sorry you had to deal with that guy, i hope you're all good now.
if ya ever wanna talk, i know we dont know each other or talk very often- but im really easy to talk to. so keep writing fantastic pieces and good luck in the contest!
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thanks so much for the comment, you have a very caring nature and i think that's awesome! Yeah, he IS out of the house but i am dealing with the emotional draw-back now.....it's something my mom could help me with if she chooses to. I just have to get up the courage to ask for help......
AND I DO LOVE MY MOM!!
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This is well written Syn. You know where I am if you need to talk, or need someone 'taking care of' lol.
It's a powerful piece, sincerely heartfelt and angry to some degree.
No-one should apologises for anothjers actions, and for this guy to not admit to his faults/errors/whatever, is downright low and pathetic, imo.
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Thanks so much for your comment demon and haha, i definitely know where to turn to if i need him "straightened out." lol.
Yeah, it's taking me quite a while to get over the hurt.....
but abuse of one form or another has been constant through my entire life and all of a sudden, IT'S GONE.
THERE'S NO MAN IN MY LIFE ABUSING ME.......so now all it's leaving me with is picking up the pieces. I'm glad mom got rid of him ^_^
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Oh my friend......My heart is aching for you right now. No one should ever have to go through this and I am so sorry that no one believed you at the time. In my opinion that can do more damge than what the predator did to you.... Your last stanza here was absolutely mind blowing and yet gave such sad imagery... Stand strong girl cause he will fall in the face of God on judgement day!! This I promise you!!!
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It's been truly eating at me lately because my mom always seems to be apologizing to my brother for what George had put us through. She's CONSTANTLY saying sorry to him and when i try to bring up the pain i feel she just.....I NEED TO HEAR HER SAY I'M RIGHT. I NEED TO KNOW I'M NOT A FUCKIN PIECE OF SHIT THAT DOESN'T HAVE A HEART. It just hurts so much, i try to move on but then i have nightmares about it. I've woken up with my face wet with tears because of it.
But, YOU HAD IT WAY WORSE THAN I DID.......I HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE TO READ YOUR MESSAGE ALL THE WAY THROUGH BUT THE PART ABOUT YOUR EYE MADE ME CRINGE AND WANT TO CRY FOR YOU.
*bear hugs*
YOU ARE SOOOO MUCH BETTER THAN THAT AND IF MURDER WASN'T ILLEGAL, I'D MUTILATE THAT FUCKER AS WELL.......I really am sorry for what he did to you. I'm going to go finish the rest of your email
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