Intense,
your dark eyes
captivate;
lumps of coal
catching fire
every time you smile
[I wish you’d stop,
it’s starting to hurt]
Iridescence blinds;
as smoke to fact,
though I trust you’ll be there
to reciprocate
the sentiment -
[if the thought of diminishing
hasn't crossed before me]
I promise to ask
for only one thing;
a bucket of water
[and make it quick]
Who’s idea was this anyway?
Oh. I forgot
Love
Etching steps
in nothing
[but memory]
Footfalls
invading
personal space;
lifelong dreams,
littered along a highway
Shrivelling
only to be
reborn
[Doubled in conviction]
or at least,
that is the hope
Is that the smell
of pain-softened success,
[or just the soles of my feet
cremating?]
Ashen skin,
to plain ashes;
in the time it takes
to lose a heartbeat
If I fall now,
Within
these
last,
few,
f
e
e
t
is desire enough
to carry me broken,
legless and crawling
A ghost of an idea
removed from it's shell
[vulnerable to nothing
except it's own shadow]
If not...will you remember?
Will you remember
the trying...
or the failure,
the heart afire...
or the embers aflame
will it be
affection
or will it be
forgotten.
Author notes
I don't want to write a really long author's note. I hope people like this, I spent hours pouring over it and if there are parts you don't understand (that I would normally explain in here) then please feel free to message. I fear I have stuck too rigidly to the prompt. I also fear this is absolute cliched, boring crap. Oh and that it looks rubbish as well. Anywho, thanks for reading.
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round Two [Top 16] by Tangled Angle.
450 points, ended January 18, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - 100 poems, more points to come! by katie-jo.
900 points, ended January 18, 2008, 42 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 32 of 32
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And this one should go too. ;)
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Too tired right now ...
to really do this justice, but I think you've done a fairly good job with it. You need to fix this:
Who’s idea was this anyway? (Whose idea was this)
Who's means "who is".
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This is a beautiful poem, and I like all the creativity of the the form. The wording is lovely. Excellent work
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i can't believe that you've only been writing for 2 years or so. let me just tell you that you are a very deep and talented individual. i, at 19 years old, couldn't even pen something like this. bravo :] i loved it, most people might not fully comprehend it, but i do... and i relate to it strongly with my recent situation with the holder of my heart. good job, and good luck in the contests that you've entered it in!!
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Nope, you were right, you obviously know more about me than I do
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It might be 3 years now, I can't honestly remember!
Thanks for your wonderful comment and applause
x take care x
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Wow
Well after reading some criticisms below, I have to say that I disagree! I really liked the format of the poem - I thought it worked well! But then again, I'm no expert on these things
This is a beautiful poem. I had to sit and reflect after reading it which I don't often do
I particularly liked the line
"lifelong dreams,
littered along a highway"
Not sure why, it was just a pretty awesome metaphor which worked brilliantly.
You're extremelly talented - I only wish that I could write half as well as this.
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Thanks for your wonderful comment and applause, I'm really glad you liked it ^^ take care x
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I feel the need to point out (in relation to your response to Heather's comment) that there isn't a "correct" way to format your poems, but the format you've chosen, if the reader isn't use to reading poems written like this, can be a little messy on the eyes.
I agree with the issues on the title, but you already know that so I'll move on.
I think that over all you had great metaphors and lovely language, but there were a few spots where it seemed to fall a bit flat, but nothing that revision and practice can't fix
Good luck. -
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Thanks
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"f
e
e
t"
-don't ever do that again, please.
It just wasn't necesary.
I thought the title was okay, but it could have been better.
There's a lot of passion in this. I like the metaphors. You did stay true to the prompt, but perhaps a little too much. This falls more on the profound side than the cliche side, in my opinion, so don't beat yourself up over nothing.
I thought you did a pretty good job.
Good luck. -
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I wanted to emphasize the agony of those feet, but evidently do it very well.
Yeah, the title I struggled with (I normally don't :S) and seems most people don't like it.
Thanks for your comment x
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Firstly - the title annoyed me - only because its been done too many times. But in saying that, it does fit perfectly.
Overall - I like it, its phrased really nicely and the imagery is stark, which sets the mood nicely. I can grasp the personal attachments and small triggers that really are relative when looked into further.
The format was a little iffy but I feel that was your personal choice to add the 'extra' effect there.
D.I.D
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I struggled with the title and it was the best I could come up with.
I am glad you liked it, sorry it wasn't...correctly formatted but I am new to free verse so this is something I will hopefully improve on.
I love your picture by the way, so cute ^^ I have three cats
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I absolutely love this poem. It is fabulous. I can't believe you are worried about this being bad but I think it is lovely.
Thank you for entering and all the best in the contest.
kate-flamingo -
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Thanks
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[or just the soles of my feet
cremating?]
I loved that part. It was great how you wrote a serious poem, but were still able to put a little bit of humor in there. This is a wonderful poem, and you're going to GREAT in this contest! (I saw your comments on the contest page... Why do you think this work of art is bad? )
Thanks again for the comment on my poem!
Always,
Cassie
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Yeah I wanted humour to be included however dry it may be lol. Thanks for your uplifting comment take care xxx
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Hey!!!
Wots all this, a new era for the "mix"... a new year brings a new you.... your talent grows (I'm doing my best to embarrass you!) and grows with each poetic verse, what a creative write this is... top draw my friend... keep 'em coming. U.F.I.
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Lol, glad you like it x take care x
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I don’t even know where to start. First, let me assure you I’m not just kissing your butt because you hoodwinked me, lol.
Holy heck, kid. I don’t know where you go from here but I’m friggin’ excited to find out. There are so many lines in this that stopped my breath. It is obvious from your poetry that you feel things very deeply, and that passion is contagious in your words.
“your dark eyes
captivate;
lumps of coal
catching fire
every time you smile”
This gets off to an awesome start. The imagery is really strong and original there, and the metaphor well-chosen. And it only gets better as we read on, when you come back to the idea of burning coals and all that it means to walk across them for someone.
”Is that the smell
of pain-softened success,
[or just the soles of my feet
cremating?]”
I love that you used cremating there. The word has such stronger implications than burning or whatever word you could have easily used in its place without much thought.
Other lines in this that made me do a double take:
“Iridescence blinds;
as smoke to fact,”
“Etching steps
in nothing
[but memory]”
“Shrivelling
only to be
reborn
[Doubled in conviction]
or at least,
that is the hope”
Just wonderful. The phrasing throughout this is gorgeous.
And the form you’ve shaped with your words is also worth mentioning. Those agonizing last few f..e..e..t.. Very smart. And the imagery in the following stanza is extremely powerful. (This probably isn’t worth mentioning, but I thought of Anakin Skywalker right there, lol. Well, it sort of fits.)
In case you haven’t gotten the idea yet, this was an absolutely amazing piece of free verse... and really shows off your versatility, which I hope you will continue to exercise. Bravo!!!
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Wow! What do I say?! Thanks! And thanks again! And again! Haha I am glad you liked it and thank you for such a wonderfully detailed comment. Especially glad you like the last few feet part ^^
Take care!
and
THANK YOU!
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Nix the authors notes - be proud
Just one eensy weensy question mark at the very end would tidy it up just fine. Good write my friend.
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Thanks for your comment, and though it may be breaking a grammatical rule I prefer the full stop, but it is just a matter of opinion!
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WOW.... I've seen a lot of your work, but I don't think you've ever really wrote like this before...I like the beginning a lot... VERY beautiful and descriptive!:
"Intense,
your dark eyes
captivate;
lumps of coal
catching fire
every time you smile"
^^^Those are some pretty cool lines there... Have you ever written freeverse before other than this poem? It's very hard for me... Anyways, your writing is not "rubbish" (lol you're so British!).... I enjoyed this, as odd as it was.
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I have written a few free verse: Morning Glory, I, Performance and Wings of a Butterfly. But yes, I am very new to trying it. It's very hard for me too...yeah that is a rather British attitude
Glad you enjoyed it thanks for the applause x
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no no no this is so definitely not cliched...and I would tell you if it was. I honestly love it. It is lovely. And I don't give that word to too much.
hey, I thought you said you weren't good at free verse! liar
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Aww I am glad you like it. I am not good at free verse...it makes my head hurt and poetry shouldn't do that Thanks for the comment and applause! x
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I think you are too hard on yourself personally.
You pulled together such wonderful images... I can't really pick out my favorite... or I might be copying the whole thing.
Mine seems so long compared to everyone else's, lol. But I think your's may be my favorite so far, no bull.
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Aww thank you very much. There is nothing wrong with yours being longer! Yours tells the story in the perfect amount of words (to me anyway). I am actually really glad you like it Thanks for the applause! x
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aye. Do I even have to say anything?
For someone who didnt even like much free verse until a few weeks ago I have to say this is pretty amazing. Even if you were a regular free verse writer - it's amazing as well.
You have some lines in here that are great - just one being:
Ashen skin,
to plain ashes;
in the time it takes
to lose a heartbeat
I dont think you need to explain anything in your author's notes either. In fact, remove your AN because this is anything but boring, clichéd crap.
Never ♥
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Thanks, it isn't, but I appreciate the help and time and comment and applause!
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