your better years were a short stop to nowhere.
i've come to a part [another essence]
that fed itself.
a limb suspended in quartz liquid
like pearls on fire
and a wake of glorious froth
a binge of the fetal comrad it held close.
i am not going to give you a road to walk down
nor will i pay a price for keeping you near
a faint tilt towards a gold child
placing your hands over my heart
climbing the ribs
& sucking the air from my lungs.
[the words removed; form a cradle for you]
latley i can't tell for sure
if you are me or if i am myself.
Author notes
im using the word eccyesis.
this is what i came up with.
please critique. i need some emphasis on what i need to change.
In a list
A contest entry
- AtZ by lie.
525 points, ended January 21, 2008, 2 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
i see that you've come to resist me;; im a pit bull in time.
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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cmon, this entry makes it hard to judge!!you have used so many excellent words in such a large fashion, yet compressed them into just a few lines..i have to say, i loved this one, and thank you for entering this
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This is absolutely amazing. I don't think you need to change a single thing.
Whether taken as a metaphor, or a literal vision, the poem has a lot to say.
I think, sometimes, we feel out of place in ourselves; like there's two dueling inside our heads, or something. That's what this piece made me think of.
I love your take on the word - it's truly innovative and thought-provoking.
Awesome poem- that's all I can really say.
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-a binge of the fetal commrad it held close.
comrade?
-i am not going to give you a road to walk down.
i really liked that.
-last two lines tie it up nicely.
very well done.
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i really really like this. if you want a critique i can only come up with nit picky things..
at the beginning, make nowhere one word. it looks nicer.
and maybe instead of suckling, just sucking.
take it or leave it, those were just things that came to mind. umm seriously, this is really neat, i might come back and comment later, read it again
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the sheer audacity of the minimalism displayed here is phenomenal, i just cannot believe you have decided to challenge the conventions of what a poem 'is' or indeed what we 'are' by flipping the reality back on itself waving towards it and asking politely, "are you reality?"
or maybe you are reserving a place for a contest... i just don't know anymore...
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