Water falls on rocks
yet do not break
travels without hurt
A brook never loses its way
nor its nerve
unseen gravity lends its hands
Slipped showers on rocks
fill backyard brook
rounded pebbles glisten
A contest entry
- CHAIN OF THREE-LINED Poems of Succintness ~ Winklings Contest # 35 by Lyndon.
1150 points, ended January 30, 2008, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 9 of 9
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I really liked the images, and the flow from stanza to stanza. Very peaceful nature write. I enjoyed reading it.
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You are too philosophical
for successful Haiku.
"Water falls on rocks
yet do not break
travels without hurt"
could become:
water falls on rocks --
flows downwards
with no turbulence
is a quick-fix which you may wish to work on.
Only 13 syllables - plenty!
Ron.
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Hi, I like what you have expressed here in this wise and thoughtful poetry.
Ron has asked me to try to find some ‘true’ haiku in this contest. I’m looking for haiku which show:
1) a juxtaposition between two sense images,
2) written with one break in the grammatical flow and
3) using clear, unpoetic language.
In haiku I’m looking to see and hear what the poet sees and hears around them. Most of the entries I’m reading are 17 syllable poems containing thoughts and opinions about nature, often containing statements rather than images. I’m not sure that’s enough to constitute a ‘true haiku’.
Your samples here are perhaps too overtly poetic and wise for haiku, especially the pholosophical first two.
Here is an example of what i mean, using your third haiku as a starting pouint. if you revised it and pruned it it could look something like this:
showers on rocks
fill a backyard brook
pebbles glisten
I hope you don’t mind my comments and opinions.
Yours in haiku,
Myron.
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This is such a lovely write. I loved the lines "A brook never loses its way nor its nerve". This is very well put, best of luck for the contest.
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There is a problem with hard ware or something I did not understand.I wanted to send a message, which I am not able to do from the morning. Thank you so much for your comments today.
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Wonderful...the grouping shows the gentleness and the power of Nature!
WOnderful Work!
Marianne
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this is very good chain, I am not very good at them myself,but try,good luck in the contest,it is a good one...MM
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This is beautiful, I really like it are you in this group . The Winkling's
REDWINGSPIRIT
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What is winkling group dear sister. I am willing to become a member of it. Thank you
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