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Burning Bridge

How many times has it been

that we've been faced with this situation:

You on one side, and I, on another.

You're so far away,

and yet, I connect.

So here it is before me,

this burning bridge,

white hot coals making their marks on my eyelids

firey yet in the stygian world around.

Without a step I feel the burns;

this pain I'm willing to take for you.

But then my eyes open in realization,

rememberance of all the times I'm with you,

and although your arms are not here to hold me,

I feel...  You.

This emotion surrounds me,

becomes my being,

until I no longer must walk to you

stepping on a burning bridge.

My heart allows me to do what no other can...

I think I'll fly.

Author notes

I'm proud of this one, but I know it might need some work. Give me suggestions of what I can make better.

Dedicated to my one, my only, Jordan. I love you. ^^

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • February Moon gold member
    January 26, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    "This emotion surrounds me,
    becomes my being,
    until I no longer must walk to you
    stepping on a burning bridge.
    My heart allows me to do what no other can...

    I think I'll fly."

    This is STUNNING! I want to tattoo those lines on my forehead.


  • Exodus gold member
    January 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I agree with Heather on the point of personal nouns, there were places were you could have chosen to go a slightly different direction and avioded the clutter of so many, and didn't.
    As a reader who already knows the prompt, we know from the first stanza who you're talking about and I think you emphasized it a bit too much in the rest of the piece.
    The ending was simple but worked well. I agree that you could have taken it a different route, but this one worked too.
    Good luck.


  • Tangled Angle
    January 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I honestly think you have a lot more potential than this. The emotional aspect you nailed, but I wish you would have been able to balance that emotions with metaphors. I think this was more straight-forward than creative.
    You had metaphors, but they were more in-the-box with the prompt.
    The ending is kind of cliche,
    the title is okay.
    I prefered your audition poem more than this one, still this is good, and shows that you deserve to be here.


  • Naridill
    January 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very emotional. I can read with the emotions you poured into this. I was a little put off by the extreme use of personal nouns, as there is alot of alternatives and it seems the easy way out there.

    The ending was beautiful, captivating and just set the mood for the ending. As for the title - I feel more thought could have been put into it, but it does fit perfectly.

    D.I.D


  • Violent Serenity
    January 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    awwww... omg that is beautiful!! i melted! *looks at the puddle of cado goo on the floor* ... hehe i love this my friend, great great write, and keep it up. &>


    • And Hyetal
      January 12, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Oops! *puts Cado in a bucket* Hope that helps. ^^

      Thank you for your comment.


  • Death of the Author
    January 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I think flying is definitely the best idea haha And I loved this...I don't know how but you just made the poem build and build and build to the perfect climax.

    Without a step I feel the burns;
    this pain I'm willing to take for you.
    But then my eyes open in realization,

    rememberance of all the times I'm with you,
    and although your arms are not here to hold me,
    I feel... You.

    That is my favourite part...excellently written. Good luck in the contest and take care! x

  • SoulWhispher
    January 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    well done daughter, this is a powerfull write with such great emotions, you have done a wonderfull job here, blessings Dad


  • x-Black-Butterfly-x gold member
    January 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    wow this is such an amazing write and holds so much emotion and affection within it. deep heartfelt write sis well done


  • Darkrunn
    January 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Wow, wow wow wow wow! I love you so much!

1 - 13 of 13