i left you out in the rain so i could let the mold perch itself
within your finer layers.
i can't say it was the best decision, but the foliage around you made everything musty & antique. i held onto the fact that you could age; that you were destroyed in some way. that time cradles no one as its child, but could adopt a sense of slowing down; possibly stopping for one full century.
at the speed of starlight i swam in the oceans we used to talk about; i gave life to the lights in your hair; i tended gardens larger than the universe with human- like personalities & fish that swam around your hands & knees like silk puppets on dirty strings.
[but did you care?]
im not sure it was the kind of story you were looking for.
Author notes
title & poem inspired by radiohead.
i doubt this is what you want love. but its all that came out of me.
A contest entry
- Prose Prompt ; by Hell In Harmony.
300 points, ended January 12, 2008, 10 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
don't get any big ideas' their not gonna happen.
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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So much of this was surreal yet hauntingly real too in ways that chill. Congrats on the silver trophy for such a highly imaginative, creative piece. You would have won gold if it had been based on your looks though, judging from the pic on your comments lol. Tony
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um thank you
lol
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oh my goodness.
wow. <3
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"at the speed of starlight i swam in the oceans we used to talk about; i gave life to the lights in your hair; i tended gardens larger than the universe with human- like personalities & fish that swam around your hands & knees like silk puppets on dirty strings."
I don't know if you are aware of this, but I love how all of the words connect together with sound, it makes the write so smooth - it just flows. And it's not OTT so it works.
The "s" sound with speed, starlight, swam, oceans, used
The "t"ish sound with used, talk and about.
The "L" sound with life, light
The "ah" assonance with gardens, larger, and than
The "s" sound, mostly due to the pluralizations in the rest of that section. personalities, fish, sawm, hands, knees, silk, puppets, strings.
Yeah, the connecting sounds made it a very smooth read and at times emphasized the phrases.
I agree with the comments below; this is fantastic.
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i dig how this starts out so clinical yet grungy and turns personal and endearing finely interspersed with crisp imagery. kudos,
A
btw - silk puppets on dirty strings.
that line just makes the marionettes of the mind giggle with morbid glee
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"that time cradles no one as its child, but could adopt a sense of slowing down; possibly stopping for one full century.
at the speed of starlight i swam in the oceans we used to talk about; i gave life to the lights in your hair;"
i love this.
it's all beauty and shambles mixed into so few words.
you can see a whole story behind this and if you really read it, it almost makes you want to cry.
it's so daunting that you need to read it over and over again just to feel the ten thousand different things it's saying with every word.
lovely.
♥
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thank you my love child <3 muah ♥
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i like radiohead a lot, especially that new song "bodysnatchers"
i held onto the fact that you could age; that you were destroyed in some way
i really love that line. and these
i tended gardens larger than the universe with human-like personalities & fish that swam around your hands & knees like silk puppets on dirty strings.
i don't like using [these] in poetry but that's probably just a personal preference. the idea that mold would perch is incredible. you've got some unique and inspiring ideas in this. i would say the poem is a little bit raw, but i like it. -
wow wow wow baby. and you tell me people shun away from this?
This is amazing. This is YOU developing as a GREAT writer. I loved this, I love the fact that the back ground is green and the title is treefingers. I like all the references and god, it's AMAZING.
'i tended gardens larger than the universe with human like personalities & fish that swam around your hands & knees like silk puppets on dirty strings.
[but did you care?]
im not sure it was the kind of story you were looking for. '
my favourite bit. I guess I love the nature reference here and everything. It's so beautiful and calming yet it screams at you. I'm in a very weird mood today.
'i left you out in the rain.'
mmmm. bookmark for sure.
<33
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To start off I really like the title and I haven't even got past it yet. People often throw titles out there but they can really give a good start to a poem, like yours.
[Continues]
i left you out in the rain.
so i could let the mold perch itself within your finer layers.
i can't say it was the best desicion, but the foliage around you made everything musty & antique. i held onto the fact that you could age; that you were destroyed in some way.
CLEVER. I loved the futility and helplessness as if you were saying, though not directly " If I can't take you down, at least time can."
I liked that idea.
i gave life to the lights in your hair;
Comes alive in my head
I like the ending but I think you should have drawn it out a couple lines; built a tad bit of suspense. Maybe thats just because I have a habit of doing that so you don't neccesairly hav to listen.
I would just click that enter space a couple times after
[but did you care?]
GREAT ending though.
I loved it<33
Thank you and Goodluck
Kat
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-i can't say it was the best desicion,
decision
-one as it's child,
its.
very well done.
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this is gorgeous. I love the song treefingers, its so creepy, dreamy and like...it just has that rainforest ness to it. This, i love this. It has a whole atmosphere to it, it sucks me in more than anything you have written maybe its like a little jungle.
The wording is fantastic. Holy. Mixed messages in the story of it, like maybe you loved so much, you pushed away and waited. And during that time you like died in thought about him, thinking and absorbing all the pieces that had grown around and inside of you. But he just sat and waited wherever you left him, maybe even moved on. I don't know. Or maybe he was so much more delicious from far away you ran back so fast the world tripped over itself. Anyway, the words you chose here are so fantastic I just can't get out of it, I keep on looking back and every word my eyes fall on are just so dreamlush its crazy.
If i had to pick a favorite bit:
"i tended gardens larger than the universe with human like personalities"
That has so much life in it for me, so much visuals. Just you, floating and spinning through light filled balls of galatic nature, talking and singing flowers of space. Its like...the movies The Fountain & Silent Running mushed together with extra color zapped into them. =000 such gorgeousness! Expanses of sparkling comet farms ♥ you are genius!!
All the pieces of this have different feelings in them, and they all come together with such heart and love and dancer-like imagery I am in love as always. You are amaaazing. <3<3<3<3
xoxo thoughtfulcolorfuldreamyful xoxo
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