i.
there was a
button missing
from her sweater
and holes at the
ends of her
sleeves.
mother eyed the
loose threads
and torn wool
with disgust
for nervous habits
and destructive
ideals.
ii.
mary smiled--
plugged up the gaps
with the same
bloody thumbs that
shredded them
in the first place
and chewed
the excess strings
without apologies.
iii.
mother sighed--
called her a
self-destructive
mess of a girl.
mary grinned--
mumbled about
old age and becoming
a self-righteous
pain in the ass.
iv.
her mother had forgotten
the pleasures of
coming undone;
bursting at the seams;
unraveling.
v.
her daughter had forgotten
how swiftly youth was lost
through child-bearing hips
and sterilized hospital gowns.
Author notes
I hate it. Except for maybe i & ii. And it's like a fucking epic or something. Fix it, if you feel so inclined. Whatever.
oh, and originally written (or at least started out) with zil in mind. but then it failed.
♥
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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What are you talking about you hate this- it is beautiful. I love the imagery of the sweater... there is something so nostalgic about it. It reminds me somehow of my childhood when I used to chew my sleeves. I like it despite whatever you say...
Love Beth. -
This is really great. I don't see how you could hate it. I love how it comes from two different points of view. There's a lot of truth in this and it makes you think.
You're a wonderful writer doll.
xx -
beautiful. it suits you too. the style i meant. you should write more about mary. how come i didn't read this before. may be because i was[and still am] on a break from AP.
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I like it. It's truth and honesty and a little bit of brutality, but not so much that it suffocates everything else. I really like iii, it's poetic, but it lacks a lot of the metaphor we sometimes drown out work in. It allows the words to speak for themselves without all the unnecessary window dressing.
Beautiful as always hun.
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LOL. I often times write something with zil in mind and fail, so the feeling is mutual. Though I am honored that you would think of me.
Nope. No epic. I think it's a good length. I love how this poem has two points of view. I think the best poetry is that of which is told from more than one person's point of view. Something I have lots of trouble with.
Chewing the excess strings...I used to do that. Not anymore though......
Anyways, the little girl is so relatable. I could definatly see myself in her. I was always getting her and tearing up my clothes. Those were the good days.
As for the child bearing...there's a reason I don't plan on having any biologically.
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i can kind of tell how this started as something zillion-ish, but it has a different voice. which is good. we don't need two of the same poet running around, y'know? i don't think it seems epic at all, you're okay on that. i agree that you don't need the numbers, i actually thought they were really disruptive. i really like the idea of forgetting the pleasures of coming undone.
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I love it, especially v. that was my favorite part.
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I like iii. the term "self righteous pain in the ass" makes me smile.
In my opinion, the numbers aren't really necessary here. it'd flow fine normally.
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I think I might agree. Hmm. They were an afterthought, anyway. Yeah. I'll toss it around in my head for a bit and then probably cut it out.
thank you.
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-i liked that you used mary in here. (well, if it was intentional)
you shouldn't hate it. i don't understand why you hate it. this was beautiful. stop hating it. else i'll start hating you.
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upon re-reading a couple of times... i don't hate it nearly as much as i did at first. but i don't like it. which is okay, I think. I don't need to LIKE it, just not hate it.
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Actually, I think it sounds good. You have a good form, nice choice of words, great imagination. I can't seem to understand why you hate this, I for one liked it. Keep up the good work.
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