Does this divine deliverance delve deep
beneath shackled truths? Hidden behind words
was honesty, expensive deceit so cheap
like an orchid amongst dandelion herds.
Arrogance betrayed behind tears you weep,
snuffed sensibility beguilingly girds.
Friendship accords toasted with tainted drink,
forced to drown in soliloquies' ink.
Captured the wisps of fuelled ego retorts,
derisory spoutings like hammer falls
smelting meaning so it twists and distorts,
locked in the prison of abusive calls
while tittle-tattle tales bolster support,
like temporary struts to stop falling walls,
but cracks are many, so inside we can view
the putrid poison, reality of you.
Author notes
Ottava Rima - A poem written in 8-line octives. Each line is of a 10 or 11 syllable count in the following rhyme:
abababcc, dededeff.
Quote - "A best friend should never put the anger and hatred in your eyes!(MMN)"
Fug-azi,
this was written at a bad time for me, I had someone who I considered a friend but they betrayed me .. This just came out of the anger I felt at that time, I wanted them to read it and know it was about them, feel the hurt they caused me.
In a list
A contest entry
- Best On AP:Season 2:Round:3 by wakingdevil.
1500 points, ended January 22, 2008, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Rhyme. Bring in your masterpieces! by Never Fall in Love.
1300 points, ended July 27, 2008, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - The Best of the Year by Bean Sidhe.
1350 points, ended January 3, 51 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Be honest
Comments
1 - 53 of 53
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Thank you for following my simple contest rules - much appreciated!
This is quite interesting. I am particularly drawn to the image of an orchid amongst dandelion herds. That's simply divine.
Thank you for your entry & good luck in the contest -
As I am currently struggling with my own thoughts, I seek to encrich my inspiration by reading some poems hoping somehow, I will find something inspiring enough and to tell you the truth, I am not disappointed a bit. I guess the mind is an art that displays the heart beauty. Keep up the great work and thank you for sharing
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I fully agree with the comment about the title making the poem...well done its great. keep writing definitely
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The language and use of poetic devices is excellent. I particularly enjoyed, "expensive deceit so cheap like an orchid amongst dandelion herds" and "snuffed sensibility beguilingly girds"
This is a very powerful rebuke written in perfect poetic form. Good luck in this contest. Peace, Liz -
I think that the title really makes this poem in a sense. It sets the scene if you know what I mean. I love the wording you use even if at some points you do go overboard. You really rocked the rhyme scheme and managed to stick to it all the while not making it seem like you made sentences just for teh sake of the rhyme.
I love the imagery! You are really quite talented in case you don't hear that enough.
Thanks for entering into my contest.
Nikki -
Alliteration is all around again on this poem and as mentioned before I definately like that
As well as the imagery and metaphors inside.
The fact that I actually didn't really notice the rhyme until I read it for a second time really adds to this as well. Natural flow in there
Thanks for this entry!
Leander -
I love this one! I'm a lover of big words and deep thoughts and this poem captured them both so very well! You had me from the very first line and held my interest all the way to the end with such a deep thoughtful story. This is a perfect example of great poetry (at least for me) and I want to thank you for sharing it with us here in allpoetry. Beautiful, beautiful work!
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Thank you, my dearest Bro for allowing me to use this poem in week 5. What a success this contest was.....and all because of you and your talent...
Lynda
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My pleasure sis, but I think the success of all of these contests is down to you.
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Excellent write I love the form that you used, it worked very well for this piece. Every word was filled with emotion and the imagery was crystal clear! Thanks for sharing and congradulations on the well deserved trophy.
Lauren
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very well written poetry . congrats on the shiney. I enjoyed the natural rhyme flow that is set here.
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I loved the alliteration, you didn't force it, and it was just enough to highlight the poem. That last line really is a kicker and a half. Beautiful choice for Today's Poem
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This is a lovely ottava rima and congratulations on the silver trophy you received. I hope this does well in the other contests. Excellent use of vocabulary and it flowed very well. Vivid images created from your words. Thank you for sharing with me and keep writing poet. seamaiden ♥
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Hello again and thanks for your query, "spouting's like hammer falls" should not take an apostrophe but "soliloquies ink" should - like this: "soliloquies' ink", that is after the "s" because the word is plural. Glad to help. I think you should try to get the punctuation right - or, as you have done in the past, dispense with it. The latter is, in my view (and biased!) to be avoided.
Donald -
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Cheers
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you know we should really stop coming across each other and actually talk hehe. i love the words of this they are beautifully written and so inspiring. just amazing as all your writes though. i love this well done
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Well we could add eachother to our faves and then we would know when new writes had been posted.
~Adds to fave~
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Admiration is beyond words for a poet who can use a difficult and constricting form in such a way. Two main areas: the whole needs serious consideration regarding punctuation: as the poet uses the possessive apostrophe in the wrong place it should be reasonable to expect it elsewhere in the correct place; there is also a missing question mark.Secondly: the whole is gloomily depressing whether a form poem or not.
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I can see where the question mark is missing and have edited, but I struggle to see where the possessive apostrophe is incorrectly used .. I have used it only once in the line;
derisory spouting's like hammer falls
and I believe this is correct.
Where else do you suggest it should be used?
Punctuation has never been my strong point, in fact until recently I wrote all my poetry with no punctuation what-so-ever.
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BRAVO
You have outdone yourself, LO-AMO SALUTE!!!!! -
rich language. brilliant!
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Excellent
Very well penned indeed. Really loved reading. The imagery, flow and rhyme are awesome in this. Can see why the spotlight shines on this one for all of us to read. Well done.
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An interesting form you used here - liked the alliteration in these lines, the flow and the rhythm and rhyme. Great use of words in this poem - congrats on the silver you won before!
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Chosen as Todays Poem by the group Todays poem!!! yay
featured for 5 clicks and comments from the group members, enjoy!
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Excellent!
Like the way you use imagery that captivates the reader!
Thanks for sharing your talent here friend!
All the best in future writes, congrates on the silver.
Peace, Timothy aka poeticweaver~
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Excellent
Terrific use of form. A very powerful and reflective poem. Congratulations on the silver.
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A terrific piece of form and flow penned within these lines... Very well written imagery woven for such a potent feel. An intense power you have over the words, and the depths they climb to your reader. Excellent piece!
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This is a very good poem. Another form I have read today that I have not heard of before. Very good to read. It is good to be spotlighted. -Wil
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I was in this contest. I think I missed this poem. It was well written and I congratulate you on your progress.
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I like this - but honestly I can feel the strains of the form. Let me explain
The rhyme is perfect, spot on and I really admire a good rhymer but the syllables hold back the proper use of spacing and entering. I feel that there could be such beauty if this piece was just edited to feel the flow more and not the meter of the form.
But as is - captivating phrasing and stunning word choice.
Thanks for entering,
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I like it. It's dark realism is satisfying. I partiularly liked your alliteration in the first line and then breaking from that into an expertly constructed rhythm. You words are never forced or awkward despite the pinpoint form. Very well done and thanks for writing.
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some great alliteration in places
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I see this has won a silver congratulations to you
a wonderful write with depth and much to provoke the mind, Always a wonderful write when you can make your reader think,
Thanks for sharing,
Love and Light
Frozentearz -
The words flow straight from your soul to mine....the overall feel of this tugs at the heart...it flows honestly and magically into my soul....this is excellent...the gift of writing and displaying emotions, is truly a gift from you to me...ty for sharing..The ending packs a punch...and rocked me....all too true..."like temporary struts to stop falling walls,
but cracks are many, so inside we can view
the putrid poison, reality of you."
Keep on penning....
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This is a strong write, and the imagery it gives to me is that of a broken and acrimonious split, of some type of relationship. It repays a couple of reads for sure, and that is when I started to savour the precision in the words, the metre and the rhythm of it.
Excellent writing on every level in my humble opnion.
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this is such a nice and sensible poem...
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really beautiful....i am in search of my lost smile..so looking deeply what is beneath the smiles is interesting....
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Wow
Wow. Very good flow, powerful imagery. Thanks for sharing this.
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wow
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great
i liked it oh so much keep on keeping on -
Very eloquently written. The imagery and word play are excellent. I really enjoyed the first four lines and how neatly the last two lines tied everything together.
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amazing
This poem is so good it is making me reconsider my incredible ignorance to form poetry. Elequent, abstract,ebullulient in style if not in content. I loved this poem. Thank you for posting. CarolC
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AMAZING
they are right...right where you belong..up front..you are an amazing writer..and this is one amazing write..form poetry is so difficult yet you master it like it is natural...excellent write my friend..thanx so much for sharing..don't know how I missed this one..so glad it is in the spotlight..blessings..namaste
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This was such a good poem to read i did so enjoy it. you really have a grand gift in writting and that be a fact. thank you for shareing this. I hope that you will have a great day
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This is a great piece, very much deserving of a spotlight piece... I love the vocab choice on this one too great alliteration and rhyme... congrats
Karen
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Here is where yout poetry belongs...
Spotlighted on the front page for all to see...
This is brilliant and I am so proud of you, Bro ...
Your talent shines once again...
Lynda
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Thank you dear sis, I'm really lost for words .. which is a first for me.
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WOW
Very nicely done...I've never heard of this form but it was greatly achieved according to the rules and it makes you think
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whoo hoo I knew this was a winner!!! COngrats on your silver Bro!
This is exquisite
Lynda
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I actually enjoyed this... WOW I am getting so many good entries in this contest I can't believe it! I could feel the emotion in here. It was very nice. You really painted a picture with your imagery. Thank you for entering my contest!
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WOW
The form, the emotion...
I am not much for expressing myself in words at the moment but this is so amazing.....
I am in awe, Bro...
Lynda
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A wonderful poem, extremely well written with perfect rhyme and flow.I see that you've improved tremendously from before.The last line summed it all up well.All in all it was a rly interesting read.Thanks for entering and best of luck
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Thank you, glad you liked it .. I've been doing some serious work on my forms since the last time so its good to see that my work has paid off.
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