Frozen exemption,
obtained.
Looking back, (freedom)
everything, shuffling feet;
Ignoring the beats of a
deceived heart: soul murmurs,
a distant cry.
Tear to flame,
the obligation screams
to silence; bundles of
marred emotion.
Running from love and his......
wheelchair
I still care, but ran from
letting you know,
tantalizing thoughts of defeat.
Author notes
Teen Idol
1/7/08
- The Loaf That Loves You group list • next in list
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round Two [Top 16] by Tangled Angle.
450 points, ended January 18, 2008, 12 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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A SAD
POEM BUT ONE THAT SEEMS TO SPARE ONE FURTHER ANGUISH, VERY THOUGHT PROVOKING WRITE i ENJOYED THE READ THANKS FOR SHARING
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This seems to stutter in the reading for me.
The start is almost lacking the words that the middle makes up for. I think this does need a little tweaking and a litle more balance.
Something about this just seems to stick when you're reading it. Maybe you should try reading it out loud? That always works for me when something doesn't flow quite right.
The title explains the situation nicely without adding in so much detail that the reader feels like they don't need to see the piece to understand what you're trying to say, so well done on that.
Good luck. -
This didn't flow well with me, and it was kind of wordy; but I like the content and the ideas. Well done.
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The beginning was very wordy - almost listy. I think small tweaking and even reading aloud would have helped determine the flow better.
The rest however, has a very nice flow grasped, the wording and phrasing is powerful - gives a nice feel to the piece.
'Running from love and his......
wheelchair'
Not sure about that phrasing - it sounds personal but feels awkward.
The end line was perfect choice for this piece, very effective in leaving the reader chilled. As well as the title - little cliche but worked extremely well.
D.I.D
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Hello, hello competitor! Reading yours and reading mine are like... opposites, lol. It makes me a little bit paranoid that people are going to see mine and be like I don't want to read this crap. But I do enjoy yours, and I just wanted to stop by and say good luck to you !
Sosha
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Ignoring the beats of a
deceived heart
That would be my favourite part. Funnily enough I toyed with the idea of a wheelchair in my piece. The competition in this contest is just immense! Good luck and take care x -
Wow
Such big words, your only 16 and you write such great poetry. keep up the great work hun
~Brit
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I am in shcok that your only 16 when I read something like this from you. Such mature words, great structure and strength to the poem
A very very brilliantly penned piece here in my opinion
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Thank you so much, its nice to know my hard work doesn't go unnoticed
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Hmm I thought this was really great
It says a lot even though little is said -
wow sis you've done a great work with this one i miss reading your works i miss you loadssssss tooo
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amazing
wow that was awesome.good job!
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simply beautiful
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Hmmm
I feel there is a lot of raw potential in this poem and there is no shortage of emotion, but I didn't really understand what you were describing. It could be that you are just writing from an odd perspective. This piece is very unique. Well done. -
an emotional outpouring. simply beautiful. awesome write
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very raw and emotional....very nicely written
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this is very emotionaly epic i love it
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wow.highly emotional...as poetry should be.
good write.
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simply....
amazing. this is a really beautiful write.
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Hey this was a beautifully dark and morbid write and I would be honoured if you would consider writing a piece for my contest Frightened Eyes and Candy Dream plenty of options, you have such divine potential I'd hate to see it go to waste
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Intriguing...
A little bit cloudy on the fact that I don't fully understand what you are trying to describe... what I am guessing is the person in this is running from a lover who he lied to? Basically didn't tell about something? I liked the way you wrote it, just I think maybe some more adjectives, and I don't know if you could make the poem any longer? Would help.... Other than that it is a great write!!! Good luck on the contest!
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