The sun lies across the desert;
its sand a warm welcoming bed
cradling the ball of fire across
the horizon. The sun stretches its fingers
to intersect the sky, pulling it
over his head like a blanket
and disappearing under its mass
as the winds whisper
a goodnight story.
A simple shred of humanity,
a man-- misplaced
lingers against the backside
of civilization, strangling in rivers
of his own sweat after 40 days
and 40 nights of wandering. His clothes were
an oven, paralyzing him to its confines,
sticking against his skin. Knees buckle
beneath him, and he grasps the ground
digging through the burning sand searching
for any morsel that had not been scorched
by the sun.
His fingertips race through the sand
until he reaches a rope
buried beneath the dunes
he runs his hands along it,
their stringy filaments compacting together
circling around themselves.
He lets it lead him, like a blind man
he follows its footsteps to the
destination: a fateful suspension bridge
frayed rope hand rails withering in the heat,
wooden planks swing across the oblivion
of sharp peaks swelling in a gaping hole
to reach paradise.
As if entranced, he left
his thoughts along that rope
his feet wandered their own path.
All he saw was the luscious green earth,
and his bride beckoning from the other side
he ignored the signs: Danger. Do Not Enter.
The untraveled planks were very warm
against his bare feet.
The bridge grew longer with each step
crippling him, jabbing the blisters on
his feet with splinters pulling out
the watery pus... burning into his soles.
His bride disappeared into the distance
inching farther and farther away.
A parasite, panic, grew within him
rising up from his belly. It grabbed him
by the throat and threw him backwards.
He tried to get his footing but
the planks were naught but fire.
It seemed like the planks
were teeth in a giant mouth, it was all
laughing at him. The flames swallowed
the rope hand rails slurping them
down its callous throat like
spaghetti. Twirling past itself
the bridge's ropes start to unwind,
until snap.
He falls down against the planks
holding on with all his might.
The bridge collapses, swinging to
the other side-- paradise.
The fire grows while in flight
tickling his toes as he holds to the
weathered plank. The bridge becomes
a ladder slamming against the cliffs,
and he races the flames
to reach the top. It grabs a hold
of his ankle blistering it with just
one touch. He can feel his skin
melting away, as the fire licks
his legs using him as a stepladder
to get ahead. Adrenaline pumps
through his veins, a natural morphine.
His skin is peeling away as he climbs
higher. A ball of burning flesh:
he watches his hands blister and
pop, while the flame digs deeper
into his flesh, skinning him until
his limbs shrink to nubs, his
fingers melt together like a mitten.
Almost to the top, he climbs
calling out to his bride as the
bridge crumbles beneath him.
He reaches out trying
to grab her hand. Her fair
face appears above him, her
eyes calm. But as her arm clutches
his, her touch eats his skin
like acid. And from within his throat
a shrill cry sounds, startling
his bride and she lets him go.
He stumbles against the crumbling ledge
trying to pull himself up but
the cliff falls, sending both him
and his bride sliding through the sky.
The winds eat away scraps of his skin
as they both land broken among the peaks,
united in death.
The bits of his skin fall down
around them like confetti while the sky
darkens, and the world says
goodnight.
Author notes
Okay. It is six in the morning, I will be coming back to edit this later, because I haven't had any sleep yet... I do hope you enjoy my take on the prompt.
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Well, I'm back hours later reviewing the words that ate my dreams so that I could not sleep. I pretty much think that true love is impossible, however, love happens all the time. I think that falling in love is hardly ever on purpose and it hardly ever works out.
But maybe I'm just a pessimist. Enjoy
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I feel like such a square actually how strictly I stuck to the prompt. Maybe it comes off a little too story-ish. Maybe it is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay too long.... (considers chopping it all up, editing all the description, making another vague hint like everyone else's) *cries*
A contest entry
- Teen Idol 7: Round Two [Top 16] by Tangled Angle.
450 points, ended January 18, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Nice composition--Well Written & Versed with good imagery and flow!!
I admire your talent--Well Done!!
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thanks
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I think I agree with Heather on this one, this is a poetic story of the prompt. Though this is one of the longest pieces entered I was surprised when I got to the end because I hadn't actually noticed the length at all. You have some great metaphors and ideas in here which I loved.
The ending was something out of the ordinary and completely unique which you tied in perfectly.
I do agree with Tyler though; it was a little more wordy than it had to be.
Good luck
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Is that a bad thing that it was story-ish?
I really appreciate your comment and try to edit the wordiness out of it a bit.
♥'s
Sosha
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I thought the ideas and the content was excellent.
This was wordy, and I think you showed what was going on a bit too much using lots of "as" and it kind of became a bit too much; however, this worked -for- you, because how intense this was...and then the ending was just perfect.
I like how you built and built and built the poem up to its peak and let the reader fall down, like the confetti, to the ending.
I thought you did a really good job.
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I hadn't really thought about all those "as"'s... but once I look at it they do tend to repeat, so I fixed that some.
I'm really glad that you enjoyed it,
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Firstly - I am glad that you didn't decide to edit because everyone else's was shorter. Be you not them.
It is - a story - a beautifully poetic piece. I love the phrasing - the metaphor and all inbetween. You kept me interested through-out the whole piece which is hard to do lately with any style. So nicely done.
The flow and wording were interrupted from changes in 'him' to 'the man' and back again but I feel some simple tweaking will fix that.
The title could have been more creative but it suits the piece well.
D.I.D
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I was just afraid that everyone would see mine and just ... be like GAHHHHH.
I think I caught the part where you were talking about the him and man changes.
Thank you very much for your wonderful comments, and support.
I'm glad you enjoyed it.
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to me this is more like a story, although is a really good write; and we're all pessimists and if your not, you don't live in reality, anyway your a steep competitor.
Nicely done
~Dark whispers -
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It personally seemed like the only way to get all my ideas across... that's why I did what I did in the beginning.
Thank you for the comment
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I like your author's note...it's so very true, although I do believe I have found love. Talking of that, my girlfriend would actually HATE this image: fingers melt together like a mitten. Haha.
The sun stretches its fingers
to intersect the sky, pulling it
over his head like a blanket
and disappearing under its mass
as the winds whisper
a goodnight story.
Wow I fell in love with that part, it's just the most amazing description of day turning to night I've ever heard! And the rest...well what a wonderfully descriptive, imaginative and enchanting (albeit gory and inevitably fruitless) story you have told. Every new poem I read in this contest further reduces my hopes of actually getting anywhere.
Good luck to you and take care, I really enjoyed this x
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I am so happy that you enjoyed the beginning... it personally was my favorite part
I was afraid that I wrote way too much, even though I didn't go over the line limit, lol.
But, thank you so much for your good wishes and applause and good luck to you as well.
*Sosha
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Haha I like how the adverts down the side of this page relate to the things in your poem. Skin care and ladders for sale!
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It definitely knows how to cater to my needs, lol.
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Just looked at this again and saw your author's note, PLEASE don't chop it up!!!
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my insecurities are getting to me, lol
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Thanks for the luck - I need it!
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