Who are you, to say goodbye?
To leave me here, to let me cry
A trickle of something, i do not hear,
It is your voice, whispered in my ear,
who are you, to say goodbye?
Your hot breath upon my cheek, a single sigh,
Runs shivers down my tingling spine,
Your image in my head, wandering soldier, you shine,
My hand in yours, your touch so shy,
Who are you, to say goodbye?
Taking my hand ever so softy, as if our touch is yet divine,
As your callused fingers, unite with mine,
You lean forward, and brush your lips against my fingers,
The slight touch of your lips against my hand forever lingers,
The memories of you, so deeply they lie,
Who are you, to say goodbye?
Rushing memories of you, they come back thereof,
are you not, my dear soldier of love?
The image of you, burnt so deeply in my soul,
How could I have forgotten, this one who makes me whole?
As my hand falls from yours, I try to hold,
The memories of you, away from this empty cold,
To cope, with the fears, you have ran from,
What else is there to do, but to succumb?
who are you, to say goodbye?
You are one, I choose not to remember.
Author notes
This was for a contest. Originally it was non-rhyming... Then someone told me I suck at not rhyming, so I made it rhyme. So now I think it sounds incredibly forced.
It started out with a line, 'Who are you, to say goodbye'. Well, on the contest page, it was 'who are you to say goodbye' But, i think the comma makes you pause putting more emphasis on the each individual phrases.... I thought it would be a 'cool' line to use repetition on throughout the whole piece.
Anyways, it sucks. I know. Help me improve.
In a list
A contest entry
- The Titles and Photos of the MidNight Insperation by soulangel1500.
700 points, ended February 1, 2008, 9 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Criticism Please!
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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very well said! i don't think it needs improvement what so ever!!! very well written! i love the rhymes!
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It's very nice and well said. I use rhyme or as some call it near rhyme where an end word is closely related. More impotantly I discovered over the years that rhythm is as important as rhyme. As a result I've learned to condense my word usage. For example your line "What else is there to do, but to succumb." I would have written it "What else is there to do, but succumb. Important to the flow. I appologize for the wordy comment hope it helps. Happy trails
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I see what you are saying... I'll think about that...That is a very good suggestion. I really think I could use that. I tend to be VERY wordy myself... *guilty as charged*
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Very nice. although I must agree a line here and there just didn't feel right such as "as your callused finger lace with mine". Other than that I like the use of wording and the overall feeling is very simple yet captivating.
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I love the way this is worded and the words you use...i need to open my vocabulary more
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okay, yes I agree in places this sounds a little forced but if you come back to it as an ongoing pice over the next few months, you will have noticed improvemnts you can make yourself. The content works well, it is merely small play of the words to tease to place gently. Basically it is nearly there and as such I would prefer to see you finish yourself, to gain the deserved pride that comes with the peace of knowing you can and did do it! Well done and keep going! ;
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Thank you for your kind words. I will keep that in mind. Because when I usually finish a piece I leave it alone, and never do anything to it. Perhaps I shall look back over it, and improve it myself.
Thank you for taking your time for reading and commenting my poem. I really appriciate it.
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