Inside, the rigid apathy of bones plays on a timeless tune;
My masochistic body’s diatribe with scalpels deep within.
Yet in death’s imagination lurks a dark progression too,
As these surgeons with their gentle braille search soft beneath my skin.
So I sleep and dream inheritance in my cloudless dying world;
In cinch of sutures, this teratoma; each killing me in waves.
Held firm in soft dissection, carved like pie then cut like curls.
Come prune me, thoughtful genius; ebullient as clay.
Come, decipher why these cells massacre the aura left around me;
My cosmos chills in endless vile subsidence of the storm.
This last unravelling for the world is loose as needled scree;
Once ambivalent connection now unfurled to perfect form.
A contest entry
- The Word Bank from "H" "E" Double Hockey Sticks by Abby Apathy..
15750 points, ended January 27, 2008, 15 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - I by N e a r.
2300 points, ended February 3, 2008, 220 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - A ...=...Anything by TheAshtrayGirl.
550 points, ended March 13, 2008, 50 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 18 of 18
-
I see this was indeed, a difficult word bank to write from... The piece as a whole is very unique. The implementation of the words themselves, seem a bit crowded/forced to me.
"So I sleep and dream inheritance in my cloudless dying world"
This line was part of the only clear understanding gathered from the poem for this reader. Good Write.
-
Filled with creative use of the previous contest's words and nicely written out. Loads of metaphor and description of what is happening.
Thanks for entering my contest. Good luck!
M a r l u x i a
-
Excellent usage of grammar and original description,thought provoking poetry well worth mulling over,the devil-if-you-do battles the devil-if-you-don't when a surgeon sharpens scalpel and introduces himself to the body of the matter.Everything that we fear that holds us back is a slow death and when we are face to face with death it is a slow death, a petit mort as the French say,a small death,enough of my rambling.
-
This has the WOW factor! Your words hold so many dimensions I could travel off on a million tangents on the ideas they suggest to me. I especially like this line: 'Come, decipher why these cells massacre the aura left around me...', even though I can't decide if I agree with it or not! I partly think it's impossible and yet that must depend on the person's inner strength. Yes my friend Balldinger's going to like you!
Peace Georgia
-
excellent~
A very powerful poem you have penned here..
I have had lots of surgerys and none of them are fun...
The other night on discovery I watched what was found in people after they had surgery when another surgery was performed later....Amazing...makes me cringe....
And your description on death........wow...
I have terminal bone cancer...this gave me the willies..reading...
The imagery and rhyme alone are perfect....
I think the way everyone has left you a winner
This should take the Gold
Best of luck in the contest...
Hugs
Susan~~~~
-
This really caught my eye,not just the title,but what was in it.A poem I had to read again.
-
-
Thank you very much for your kind words
-
-
Interesting write. It has lots of pain and fear intwined in your words. Great write, keep up the great writeing.
-
I really liked your poem the title not only caught my attention but the content kept it. ^_^
-
Perfect connection. Not ambivalent. This poem by speaking of saving, saves. Thank you.
Wow, the way you describe death like it also has its own purpose, was so empathetic I felt it. Then sickness and our bodies daily struggle to fight of disease and then the saving by doctors, those surgeons we trust with our lives and their blind faith as well. This poem spoke to me that we are never to great, not one of us is not in this fight. Thank you for this moment of perfect reflection.
-
-
Thank you very much.
-
-
I had a look and that contest does sound awfully challenging and I think you have come up with a nice poem brimming with ideas and images. The only fault I would have is the flow, but (and this is a big but) that is probably to do with my own ignorance on a. how to say a word and b. what it exactly means, so ignore this part of the comment altogether. I love the lines that you have come up with...I cannot pick a favourite as they are all top notch. Good luck...I may even write a poem for this contest, though I doubt it will be anything near the same league or calibre as this. Take care x
-
Excellent Writing
This is a mighty poem, if you can take it. Very real. I really like the total rhyming.
------
-
i see steve has been by, and was all praise for this poem!
i also really liked this, i found nothing i could suggest improvement on.
"Inside, the rigid apathy of bones plays on a timeless tune;
My masochistic body’s diatribe with scalpels deep within."
i LOVE these lines. this is a masterpiece you have here.
well done and best of luck come judging.
Abby -
-
Thank you for your kind words, very encouraging indeed.
-
-
This is one of my speechless, can't say anything critical, times ... I simply love this creation! From head to toe ... In my opinion, this is a deserving piece of art, from form and rhyme, right through imagery and downtown toward multiple understandings. Quite alluring ... yes.
Thank you for your entry and good luck in our contest!
~Steve -
-
Thank you so much.
-
-
Wow, I'm jealous - this sounds pretty amazing
Adding your comment:
1 - 18 of 18
