i searched for a pile of leaves
to throw myself into--
a collection of green and red and yellow
to collapse in with
every pound of flesh,
each inch of skin.
i found nothing.
winter had chased away my fall
so i sank to the ground, shivered,
and maintained the composure
i was known for-- held my knees
against my chest and whispered secrets
to snowflakes and frozen bodies of water;
exposed my skeletons to lakes surrounded by
naked trees, stunning and unashamed
of their own boney frames.
i longed to be like them--
proud while stripped completely bare.
but i was nothing.
Author notes
if you can, i'd like critical critiques for this. it needs some help.
♥
Comments
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Magnificent.
Truthfully, there's absolutely nothing I would change. Because, most importantly, this is an expression of yourself. Who am I to edit what you were trying to say about a situation that you're living? Personally, I love the wording. And I have no complaints as far as punctuation goes.
Favorite bits: "whispered secrets / to snowflakes and frozen bodies of water; / exposed my skeletons to lakes surrounded by / naked trees, stunning and unashamed" Word choice is fabulous here, especially the part about exposed skeletons. This is a metaphor I don't believe I've run-across before.
Ahh, this comment is getting long! Just know that I adore this.
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first of all, i've been reading a lot of your poetry lately, and i really love it. i'm going to stick you on my favorites list so i can keep up with your stuff.
as for the poem, i really liked this one. the seasons change so fast, life flies by so fast, and you really captured that. i am glad it is in past tense, because otherwise it might have been too whiny, you know? i don't feel at all like this needs to be torn apart too much. The only area that's rough is at the beginning, the "to collapse in with" line... i get what you're trying to say, but i had to reread that to figure it out.
beautiful work you have!
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-a collection of green and red and yellow
i think you should either scrap or rework that line.
this has so much strength. you've used the properties of each season well. as for my opinion, i loved it.
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well. i think this has a lot of potential, but it feels like you're trying to draw a lot more out of an idea than it has to give.
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