I sat amongst The Beatles
pining for a “Yesterday”,
idly picking at leftover scabs
dried to kitchen table.
Wondering if, unlike me,
my jeans had legs wrapped around
your shorts, tumbling in wet ecstasy
but contemplating when
cycle would be complete.
-whether the spin would be enough-
and I suppose like that machine,
I ran each day through the mechanics
of my worth, whether aspirations
were set to economy or left to
ponder in a hard soak, just to eradicate
those guilty stains, the ones you
tried to hide beneath all our
other dirty linen.
I knew the line was broadcasting
daily bulletins across slated fences,
how the lingerie had left home,
been replaced by sensible attire
or just left lying, in punishment
beneath cotton comforts.
Maybe the centred cold divide of our bed
could be warmed,
if our spines were separated,
if only hardness was elsewhere
but your eyes.
In a list
A contest entry
- Before You Go..... by delightfulmess.
450 points, ended January 9, 2008, 14 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PREWRITES!!!! by PerfectImperfection.
600 points, ended January 19, 2008, 34 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Prewrite Fiesta! - For my Favourites - by Never Fall in Love.
1250 points, ended March 13, 2008, 27 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Freewrite Frenzy....Winning Prewrites by Randomly Beautiful.
300 points, ended March 2, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Open Door by SurelyWritten.
303 points, ended March 28, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Be honest
Comments
1 - 15 of 15
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The opening lines are gutsy. The Beatles have a way of sucking out all the air in a creative room.
You handle it all very well as you pull me through the mementos of a passive aggressive sense of doom. Enjoyed it very much.
Love, Tom B.
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I really liked this write, for the structure, the phrasing, and the images. Dirty linen is a metaphor that I've seen before, but never quite like this, and never so literal, if that makes sense.
Lines 6-7 and 12-18 were the ones I really liked, everything else was good too.
I liked the ending- I think a better title could be found, but honestly I don't have much bad or critical to say about this poem... Everyone and every poem has room for improvement, but sometimes the right reader has to be involved.
I am asking that everyone in the contest send me a message or respond to my comment telling my why they chose the particular poem they entered, for my contest. Only contestants that do this will be eligible for winning when it comes time for judging.
Thanks for entering,
Shirley
(A more critical review may follow during judging, but no applauses will be given to any entry, even the ones that deserve them.) -
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Hmmm why did I choose this poem to enter into your contest?
Well its one of the ones I am most pleased with and one of the few that fits your contest rules while still being IMO a good write.
I managed to keep the metaphor of the clothing running throughout the write without straying away (unusual for me), as to titles they are not one of my best things, I really struggle which gets me down a bit as I know a good title attracts people to read. I'm pleased with the overall image content as I feel they don't overpower the tone of the write.
I have entered contests by you before (under a different screen name) and I know you are a strong, fair judge so I wanted to give you something that perhaps made you look a little harder for improvements and thus help me to improve as well.
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Loved the ending...
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excellent expression
You provide the reader with many images and emotions in this poem. You have a unique quality in expressing your thoughts, and it is very enjoyable to read.
Good luck in the contest!
Ethereal One
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ok, first of all, in your second line, it should be "pining"
Out of the ones I read so far - this one provokes the most emotion in me. And it's weird how it does when I can barely relate to the real thing and just if I used it as metaphors.
Never ♥
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congrats on the trophy....I told ya this was another winner....
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Very well written piece. Original and thought provoking. Great use of imagery and depth to convey the emotion within. Well penned! thank you for your entry & Best wishes in the contest!
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WHOA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
This was fantastic. I am blown away by the metaphores you have used. very intense yet emotional. This poem was very clear in its meaning Bravo. Thank you for entering my contest.
Delila
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thank you, I did work hard on this one
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very good
"I sat amongst The Beatles
pinning for a “Yesterday”,"
this is a terrific first line
it captures the essence of your theme
being a beatle fan
has given a sense of mesmeriztion
great imagery
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thanks for sharing
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I'm sorry but I didn't know the content of this poem was of the erotic nature.
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Now this has too many wonderful images to list. The lonely tone, so well established by flow and break and a rich yet soft language. Beautiful. I especially loved the washing machine references - how something so casually naughty could shine so sadly ... so empty.
Love this *shuffles into bookmarks*
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You always amaze me....Wow the metaphor, emotion...imagery is excellent and beautifully dark is this...I love it .another bookmark
Lynda
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